Anita,
I got a chuckle when i read ‘the thread is not over”. 😀 I have always kept a journal, but it doesn’t really write back, you know? this is kinda of therapeutic, so thank you for continuing to be curious.

It is slightly strange, isn’t it, then again what’s normal? I wouldn’t mind meeting my other half or even pursuing a relationship with a woman, but i just haven’t yet. I do feel awkward around those that have partners, especially when invited for dinner and you’re the only one by yourself, getting asked the usual questions of; why are you still single? Although awkward, it ironically doesn’t make me want to go out and find a girl because of some concept of social norms. Maybe because my wants and needs don’t align? I want a lot of things in life, but few of them i actually need. I do believe you hit the nail on the head, by saying that i get more than enough care and love from my parents. I have mentioned to them a number of times that what they have with each other is what i want in a relationship. It is by no means smooth sailing, but to me what i see is what i consider normal, continual honesty mixed with with a loud of sarcasm. I have always thought that my parents were sort of the norm, not the exception. Maybe I could just be homely?

Maybe i have such a strong inner/ outer circle that the two are divided by an ocean? So, i might be unconsciously acting slightly differently in each one, so deep in my mind that the divide will never be bridged?

On the note of being serious, i have questioned myself and my family about why people don’t view me the same way that they do or even myself. Other posters have advised trying to step out of my comfort zone. Believe it or not, i have. When i traveled, i had roommates, went out partying and as they say ‘experienced’ life. But it kind of feels like i have done it a handful of times, okay, that’s all i needed. Maybe because it was in another country, that it erodes the legitimacy. It’s like when you go out for an expensive meal, you have it once, think it’s great, but your content in not ever going back. That’s how i feel. I join clubs at university, play sports, go out for lunches, but that; been there done that feeling arises.

It could be also what i have been exposed to. What i read, watch, experienced that have morphed and formed my current state.

This is quite hard. I’m struggling to explain myself and motivations. Anita, if you have any questions feel free to ask me. Because, otherwise i might end up just rambling on and on! So i will consider this part I. 😉