Dear Jeff:

One troubling pattern, perhaps, that I noticed in your post is that she is having a problem with the relationship with you/ with her life, and you automatically take responsibility for it, as if it is something for you to fix. She is upset, you take it to heart and talk more with her, take her out on a special night and… hope for the best. Not an effective strategy on your part, in this situation, I believe.

A better strategy would be to give her the personal responsibility she owns for her experience of the relationship with you, for her experience in the relationship with your son and for her experience in her life in general. She owns it so don’t take it upon yourself. If she feels there are no satisfactory communication with you, let her work to improve it! Let her talk to you earlier than when she does, bring up what bothers her… this is her job.

She is 100% responsible for her choices, for her participation in relationship with you. You are 100% responsible for your choices, your participation in the relationship. This makes the relationship itself only 50% your responsibility.

Please do post again…. I have more thoughts, but enough here for now. I would like to read more about your thoughts and your ongoing experiences with her and would like to comment again.

anita