Dear Kman:

Congratulations for your two week old nephew! And good to have you back here.

I re-read some of our earlier posts as well as today’s post. You asked me what I think of her honestly. Do I think she loved you?

At times she loved you, felt affection for you, that is. In between those times she sometimes felt nothing for you and sometimes she hated you, that is she felt angry at you and wanted to hurt you. Not only did she want to hurt you, but she proceeded with action intended to hurt you and she succeeded.

You wrote in this most recent post: “She insulted me to the point where I went from this very confident guy at the beginning of the relationship to this very insecure guy by close to the end.”

This is a very telling sentence. When you think of the times she was loving toward you and the times she was hating toward you, wanting and proceeding to hurt you with the words she chose, what is the net result, the net affect and effect on you? You turned from “this very confident guy… to this insecure guy”-

This is telling me that overall her affect on you has been negative.

I used to get confused by this: I used to think bad people are bad all the time, that is hurtful people are hurtful all the time. So if someone hurtful was sometimes nice to me, I got all confused, thinking: so which is it? Is this person nice or cruel? Good or bad (to me)?

I am no longer confused. Now I understand that nobody is cruel all the time. Every cruel person (and you can think of historically known cruel people as well) is nice sometimes.

She was nice to you at times. When you choose a friend, a girlfriend, a future wife, it would be wise to choose one who is not .. sometimes nice and at other times cruel to you.

It is never okay to be cruel to another. It is never okay for her to be cruel to you and she has been. The fact that she was nice at times doesn’t take away from her cruelty, does not “neutralize” it. Her sometimes niceness is not the pluses that balance the minuses as in a financial sheet.

It is never- never okay to be abusive and she has been abusive to you repeatedly.

so this is what I think about her. what do you think about what I think…?

anita