Hi Anita,

Again, thank you for your kind reply.

Do you know what worries me the most- that I think I am the one that is in the wrong. That I might be insecure and too sensitive to be in a relationship with him.

When I first met him, I looked up to him. We share the same interest and he is extremely talented in what he does.

I met him at a gig he was playing and after that we started messaging on Facebook and it was always messages about music. I spent hours every night messaging him, not knowing that he had a girlfriend. It always felt that I had to make myself out to be someone I was not or even a side of me that I had not yet explored. Sorry it might sound very confusing. All I knew was that I wanted someone and I felt such a strong attraction to him.

We met just us two a couple of times before we decided to get together and I always had a funny feeling in my stomach. I felt like I was a teenager again feeling “in love” for the first time. I also acknowledged that I could not really be myself, it fel like adapted myself too much for him. But I guess that can be a common thing when you fall in love sometimes.

When we met I felt like I was drained on energy, not that he done anything wrong it was just how I felt.

And I became depressed when I moved in with him, and I don’t know why. He was taking care of me and made me feel like everything was going to be ok. I told myself so many things during this times. That when I felt unsure it was just because I had an abusive boyfriend in the past or that I am not as practical as my current boyfriend and that I felt inferior.

I remember once that when I was speaking about something that happened during my travels with my sister, a fun story, he just looked at me and asked why I always have to talk about myself. I felt really hurt and started to think I always was and am, so I stopped talking abou things to him, I stopped sharing things. Which is so important for me in a relationship.

I travelled with him and his family to Italy every summer for three years. And I just think it gets too much sometimes. As I live just next to his parent and also have to travel with them. I think we are very different which is absolutely fine, it’s just that I never really enjoys their company that much, which is a horrible thing to say. I just kept on wishing I was somewhere else. Last summer his parents wanted to spend every day with us, and I gentle told him that it would be nice I we could spend a whole day together without his parents and he just asked me if I hate his parents.

I do not honstely know if I am just complaining, if I am not understanding enough. It is just that I always try to understand people even if it hurts me in the process.

I find him so much better than me and I do not know how I would feel if I did not have him in my life.

It does not seem that he values what I value in a relationship and therefore I have devalued my values in order to be with him.

I can myself starting to resent him and I wonder if I am that kind of person. When I am not with him I feel more at ease. There’s no nagging voice in the back of my head.

I can not help thinking it’s all my fault because I have had two failed relationships before this.

My family back home are really worried about me and gave me the option to come home for a couple of weeks and it sounded like a good option although I don’t like admitting I can’t handle things on my own. When I told my partner he said that my family are manipulating me because they want me to move home and then he added that he would break up with me if I went.

He thinks that our whole break ad my feelings are completely my fault and blames it on my depression and sensitivity. The more I am around him the more I think so too. And that’s why I am so confused. He said that what I wa ls doing was emotional abuse and now I see myself as such.

We usually have nights where we sit and drink some wine- which is our quality time spent together. And he always sits on his phone. I know it might be a little thing but we never really talk during those nights. At first I thought it was strange and quit hurtful, that I used to go in to the toilet and cry. I sometimes told him that I felt ignored and hurt but he would respond in that he doing something important. I know it might sound foolish to be upset over such a thing but it never seemed like he had any interest in us.
The other night he left me when I was taking about something from my childhood, not in a negative way at all, and just said can you never speak about anything positive like music. He went to the couch and fell asleep and left my crying in the kitchen.

I don’t know, maybe I’m overreacting and I am to sensitive. I wish I wasn’t. It’s like I wish I was more like him. Never question anything just get one with life. But that is just far from me.

I have lived with him for three years, in his house, with his parents, friends with all his friends and relatives.
He rarely interest himself for my culture, my language or where I am from. It feels like I am giving him that because I want to or at least wanted to but I do not think he would do the same for me. Or I know he wouldn’t do the same for me.

I have also seen messages coming up on his phone from a fifteen years younger girl that he is messaging with every day, several times. Maybe he does it for the attention, what do I know. Somewhere deep down I can’t help but think that he could easily move on to her as he did with his ex to me.

And then I would be by myself, confused and hurt, all alone again. Too sensitive and too fragile for anyone too love.

But then again on good days I say bring it on, I want to be by myself for awhile, learn and explore and learn that it is ok to be me.

Sorry for the long message, it must be confusing to read. It feels nice to have a place where it’s ok to speak about what’s goon on. I am grateful for that.