Dear Kate:

I am reading what you wrote above, that you don’t doubt that she loved him and following that you wrote that ‘if he refused to do something for her she would become vicious and say really hurtful things” (to him, I suppose).

Let’s examine this: was that loving of her to be vicious to her son? To say really hurtful things to him?

Maybe she was loving sometimes, but not when she acted with … hate, with the intent to hurt him.

If you believe your husband, that his mother made him out to be the black sheep of the family even though he did nothing wrong and favored his sister… then that is not loving to him either, is it?

The fact that his mother got sick and died, that doesn’t make her loving either. It just means she got sick and died.

This is my understanding so far, and please let me know what you think of it:

There is a great need a child (of any age) has to perceive one’s mother in the best light possible, so I am sure that exists in him about his mother.. and in you about your own, as it is a natural tendency. But he knows she was not loving toward him (the fact that she was sometimes loving does not make her a loving mother. Her mistreatment of him does not get neutralized by her sometimes loving behavior).

He knows inside him. When you participate in the convenient and false thinking that his mother loved him, period. Then you contribute to his LACK of mental well being. In therapy, if it is good therapy, he will come to terms with his anger at her being justified. He will come to terms with the fact that she was often unloving to him. It is hard to fully accept this.

In your interactions with your husband, do not support the notion that his mother was loving. When you do this, you feed his sickness. Be open and supportive to his feelings. Don’t defend his mother in his own mind. He needs the defending himself! He needs somebody on his side!

anita