Dear Sums:

Best way, as I see it in this case, is just listen to her. Be a safe place for her to express herself, to talk, to say anything on her mind without fearing disapproval. And often advice has disapproval in it, as in telling her: “you should be doing this!” It carries the message: “you shouldn’t be doing what you are doing!”

And she knows she shouldn’t be doing what she is doing but she feels too weak and powerless to not be doing what she is doing, too weak and powerless, helpless, paralyzed to be doing what she knows she should be doing.

So helping her would be to encourage her feeling that she has some power over her life; to encourage in her the belief that she is somewhat resourceful, capable. How? By listening to her without advice, as you wrote; listening to her with empathy, expressing your empathy; letting her know you hear her, that she mattered because you are listening… that you are listening because she matters. Letting her know her feelings are valid (there are reasons for her helplessness, reasons that make sense).

Without giving advice and without any input but empathy and acceptance, you can make a difference.

I would still do whatever is in my power, if it comes up, to discourage her from bringing children into this world in her state of mind and state of the marriage. That will be my only exception to the No Advice Policy.

anita