G’day Dreaming,

I paired it with black nylons and short heels to keep it classy. In the past I’ve been told I’m attractive and was genuinely happy with how I looked yesterday.

vs.

By the end of the night I felt completely invisible compared to these other girls.

So let’s deal with the pink elephant in the room. Firstly, how you feel about yourself doesn’t need to be validated by other people. We require validation much of the time because we feel that we are wrong, making a mistake, that we are SOMETHING rather than something else. So if you felt good about yourself, then being approached by a bunch of fellas who noticed it was a bachelorette party wouldn’t be a big deal. And this is the main point, it was a bachelorette party. Even though i’m not the most observant guy, i would notice that in a bar/ pub etc. Such parties are attended by…only women, only women who are having fun or want more fun. When a woman is relaxed, guys be like “okay, now it is time” 😉 The fact that guys went up in packs to other females has less to do with attraction and emotional vibes than what seems apparent. Yes picking up on a girl that is smiling and laughing etc may be one way to check a girl out. BUT not all guys at a pub/ bar wherever what to go up and compliment a woman, maybe they just want a drink. Actually, it’s not so much ‘pretty’ women that get hit on, it’s the ones guys think they may have a shot with. Maybe the guys that were there were shy and didn’t want to come across. You know, you could go up and hit on a guy and compliment him 😉 . Also just because some guy got a phone number, doesn’t mean he is going to call. Sometimes, guys just like the chase, like knowing that they have the ‘balls’ to approach a woman and get her number.

I just felt like the evening reinforced a notion of “you’re not valuable, you’re not going to meet someone who is excited about you, you’re not good enough, you’re not desirable, etc…”

Well this is a mindset, no one said that to you, only you are thinking this. You should value yourself first, you should see yourself as having a ‘use’ rather than seeing yourself as a ‘use’ for someone else. So try not to think in singular equations:
Because no guy approached me = not attractive. Such equations are useless, you are basically asserting that your self worth is based on others ‘outer’ impression of your physic. This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship with yourself. I think it has to do with the break-up, since you have lost a part of your identity you want someone to bounce off with so that you are re-defined as ‘something’, because in your mind you are ‘nothing’. It is true that our identity is shaped by our surroundings, by the people we call friends, how we are addressed by others, who we are to others. If we have no meaningful connection with others or communities…then who are we? I want you to try to understand who you are in relation to yourself. Who is Dreaming? If i take her friends, her colleagues, people who just know her, who are you? What does ‘Dreaming’ mean to me? Ultimately, you will discover you are someone, it may be personality traits (eg reflective and deep), it may be hobbies (eg you’re a ‘trekkie’ , an expert on Klingon!! 😉 , an animal lover etc. These kinds of things….you own. Find out what you own, Dreaming.

How can I change my perspective on dating or reach some sort of acceptance or peace?

Finally, i don’t think you have to accept the terms of modern day dating on it’s ‘socially understood terms’. What dating means to some people means something different to others. So you should come up with your own definition. To me, going on a date = meeting in a casual place where you pretend not to ask 20 questions interview style, but ultimately do 🙂 So it’s not crucial to change your perspective, it’s more beneficial to at least have a perspective. If you don’t get asked out, there could be hundreds of reasons why a guy wouldn’t ask you (many of which may not have anything to do with you). Why not ask him? why not ask out a guy? What you would be feeling, is exactly what a lot of guys feel 🙂 Use online dating apps. Nowadays, you can find love/ companionship anywhere.

Look it’s great to be complimented, but don’t let they be your everything, you should re-affirm to yourself how beautiful you are, how classy you looked that night etc. Don’t get into the habit of viewing yourself through the lenses of others….that can never end well. Compliment yourself everyday instead, trust me, you know yourself better than anyone else.

Best of luck, and if you have more to say or what to question something i wrote, please post again.
Sincerely,
Matty