Dear Ravi:

Third quote: “In the past, many of my arguments with Jerry used to go like this:

Jerry – Look, they were just defensive about their favourite actor since he’s a veteran and understandably deserves most attention. They spoke well of her in the past too. Your reaction was out of line.
Me – If they respected her, they wouldn’t have said things like (insert quotes of those people). But yeah, after all she’s just a useless piece of *censored*, what does it matter right?
Jerry – Don’t you use such words for her! Even they didn’t do it! And you’re not the only one who cares for her, even I do! I don’t like you behaving like this.
Me – Of course, you don’t like anything about me. I’m just a *censored* and I hope I don’t wake up alive tomorrow..”

And here is where your anger at your grandmother is affecting your relationship with Jerry, and therefore your relationship with your grandmother is very relevant to your relationship with Jerry. She told you above and has observed correctly that “your reaction was out of line” – as you said yourself previously, your anger being exaggerated.

In the quote above she said: “I don’t like you behaving like this.” And you answered something like: I don’t like how I behave myself, and I hope I die.

And this is where the relationship with your grandmother affects not only the relationship with Jerry, but your mental health. Not understanding the message of your anger, being confused and puzzled by it, you wish ill upon your own self.

This is heavy duty stuff, Ravi. Not easy to confront this. If you talked about this to your grandmother or your parents, they will invalidate you. At least your grandmother surely would, and your parents are likely to do so. And so, you are alone with this.. except here, on this forum with me.

This stuff is not convenient or comfortable to look at, but not looking at it, you will continue to get angry like you have and in so doing, you will continue to pay the price for the reality you are not willing to see.

Please review our correspondence when you are calm and post again…

anita