You’re very right, Anita. That’s why I chose not to go for more professional counseling, especially in my place where corruption is predominant. Perhaps would be just a waste of money and time, making the situation worse. I indeed am trying my best to be honest as I have nothing to hide here, nobody knows I’m here. I should mention though, I’m here more for her and not just for myself. Not boasting but I honestly find that I’m much more motivated to work for something after knowing that I’m doing it for someone I love. She had said to me, “please be with me always”. Though she won’t admit it now, I know what I meant to her too in her tough times. I know how much she’s hurt, all due to me. I truly do want to make up for my sins and earn back the right to be with her. Not just for my happiness, but hers too.

Regarding fighting back, I’m not sure but it might have something to do with something I suffered at a young age. There was a guy who used to beat me up in school for fun, and when I went home crying, my parents told me not to fight back, or the teacher will consider me guilty too. Just report him to her. I didn’t do it as I was afraid of the strict teacher, and afraid that the guy will get angry that I told on him and hit me even harder when he finds me alone. So I endured this bullying for about 2-3 years until I finally got sick of it and decided to strike back. Funnily, the only time I’ve ever hit anyone physically in my life to this day. There were a few more incidents in higher classes later where some mouthy guy insulted my family and my response was apparently insufficient; a “friend” goaded me saying – “Look, he insulted your family and this is all you respond? You’re a spineless worm, a loser, a (insert demeaning noun)”. This same guy and his friends filled my head with such rubbish for 2 years… “you’re useless as your grandmother has turned you into a dummy, you can’t even drive a bicycle properly, nobody will ever like you…”.

The neighbour incident also counts, yes. I suspect this is what instilled subconsciously in me, this desire to “fight back” unreasonably, even when its overkill. Because in those days I spent myself brooding over my friends’ words calling me a coward for long, fantasizing about what I should’ve done so people didn’t think I am a wimp. I guess my brain, after perceiving an insult from Jerry though she intended none, just told me “if you let her get away with it, you’ll hail yourself as a wimp forever.” She’s just an innocent victim of the detestable person that I’ve become. 🙁