Thank you so much Anita for your kindness and beautiful response.

I found, thanks to your answer some relief in my constant confusion and I am thankful for it.

I know it goes up and down – some days I feel ok and some days I feel like I do not know anything and I am trying to look for
answers that might not even exist.

I think because it’s the first time in a very long time I stand by myself – and a future that is uncertain (although everyone’s is)
and I have many choices of what I can do.

It seems like today I can only see the positive sides of our relationship – although like you said in brings a lot of hurt and confusion.

As I lived there for 3 years I battled with this confusion, so I have in some ways gotten used to it and therefor I am not sure what I think and want in the whole thing.

It is hard as I built up my own thing during those years. Became friends with all his friends and so on. And we shared music together which is one of my biggest passions in life.

I become confuse as I do not know if I have overreacted to a lot of things and if I become so low sometimes that I can’t see clear for what things are. I am confused as I enjoyed my life that I built up for myself that seems to be all gone and I do not have much for myself anymore.

Sorry it might sound confusing – it is almost like a feeling in me wanting to take it all back, just going on as normal, keeping everyone happy around me because I had a sense of belonging.

It feels like I wanted so many other things when I was there and now I want back to the things that I left – so there must be something wrong with me.

I wonder if I should have tried more – adapted more – and trying to understand my partner in his “ways” that he loved me.

I do feel calm when I am back home though and I feel like I have time for myself to do whatever I want.

I am just scared that his behaviour was normal and it is just me- feeling low and ungrateful. If I made myself feel dissapointed with too high demands and expectations.

I know that I wasn’t ready for this relationship right from the start and I had a strange feeling about it back then. But there he was totally in love with me, he saw things that I had a hard time seeing. I felt in love like I was 16 again and I felt less than him, little and confused. I do not know why I felt like that – all I know was that I was so confused right from the start.

When I think back of the relationship before then – I was never confused, I felt so sure about what I wanted. ALthough the relationship became very abusive in the end I was still hanging on, not wanting to let go. My boundaries was totally broken and I felt so hurt and confused – but I was certain that I wanted to be with him. But did I want him or someone to be with.

I never processed these feelings as I met other people straight after the break up and then I met my current partner. And he wanted me and expressed his love for me – And I wanted it to work.

I am sitting here 3 years later wondering what could I have done differently. Sitting here wishing I was different. That I could just be happy in this relationship because it is all I ever wanted (on paper). And wondering what I have done these last 3 years confused and hurt, and constant hiding it away.

This last while just reminds me of my last breakup – especially when my partner tells me he could get anyone he wants and that he should find someone that is as positive as him, and that I should find someone with a shitty behaviour just like mine.

I didn’t want to leave my current partner because I was afraid of all the hurt deep down that I have never processed. I was afraid of all this confusion would leave to that it is something wrong with me – unlovable – and that I would do a mistake.

Constant worries of “was it really that bad” – no I don’t think so. But why did my body respond in such a way. During 3 years I have tried to adapt and fit in – and I belive I have grown as well as a person. What if hurt wounds from the past keep me from wanting and being happy in this relationship or I am wishing for something that will never be.

I am wondering if we never spoke openly about anything. should I have tried more. Why did I feel so lonley? I wonder if it would have been different if he hadn’t stayed so close to his parents as it seemed that he relied so much on them and not on me. And why did I start missing my home during our relationship as I have never done this before. I remember in the past relationship that I could habe gone anywhere with him, we talked about moving to all different places.

I blame myself for all my thoughts about wanting to be alone, or educating myself, moving somewhere different and so on.

I wonder what a relationship should be like – what is normal to feel and how you should feel. Am I not trusting myself, Can a human stop listening to themselves and ignore everything the body is signalling.

He was always happy – maybe he is just like that. And I am not. But I do feel like a happy person and have always been – although I have my ups and downs.

I am worried that I am destructive in my love relationships and do not know the boundaries that well. All other relationships I belive are very close and very healthy. So what is it with close love relationships that I can’t handle.

When I think about my partner I see so many different sides that I do not know how to describe him. I wonder why we mooved in so fast in the beginning without really knowing each other. And why I became depressed the first 6 months. It felt like I was going against my own will but thought that this is all I ever wanted – this lifestyle.

Know when I finally starting to talk about what I need and want he only tells me that he miss the old me – the girl he met. Who was she? From the outside she looked happy, bubbly and kind. Inside she was confused, hurt and missing something.

Sometimes I think how everyone is probably confused and that I just acted on the confusion – when I tried to talk to my partner he told me that everyone wants different lifes some times – and that is probably true. It feels like I have hurt so many people acting on my confusion. Thinking that my therapist that told me he desplayed manipulative and controlling behaviour that she did not understand the context. It was like living in a bubble – a bubble I wasn’t familiar with. And now I stand outside the bubble looking in – sometimes wishing I could come in. But as my partner haven’t answered my message there is no chance of getting in that bubble again.

All relationships have problems – I just wonder why I couldn’t live with mine, while he could. Only he did not think we had problems – he thought I was the problem, my thoughts and my mind.

I am sorry for yet another long confusing message. It feels safe writing my thought in this lovely forum – and I am grateful for your support.

It is just that it hurts when it feels like everything is happening again – a break up and hurtful words are shared. I am thinking as my partner messaged this young girl about 15 years younger that himself that he has moved on (as that was the way he met me and messaged me the first time while he had a girlfriend, which I had no idea about). But I guess that is my own fault.

It feels like things I expressed I wanted – I don’t want anymore. That we never talked about the future – about having kids. I’m now thinking do I even want to have kids.

For three years I have ignored so many feelings as I enjoyed the life I was living – but in the end feelings got a hold over me. It is hard to think that I had so many things I enjoyed but that the relationship caused so much confusion.

Am i painting up a more beautiful picture – ignoring what I feel and have felt inside.

Best wishes/ Ann