Dear anxiousangel:

I re-read Story 1-8. I feel at some peace at this point about understanding what is going on. Through our correspondence there has been an evolution of my understanding. What I understand this morning, I did not understand before. I will refer to you as “Angel” in my writing. Here is my understanding:

What you got from your original home of your childhood is not that you are valuable, worthy, loving and lovable. What you got is an understanding that having money is very important and very desirable. You were sent to an elite school for that purpose: to become one with money and share it with your family.

Next, when you were asked about your background, answered and received that frown, that disapproval, it was imprinted in you very strongly that is that lack of acceptable social status hurts, a lot. You decided to “Never Lose Again”, never get that frown again and instead get praise and recognition.

It became okay to lie about your background: lying was a mean to an end, the end being to not get hurt. You proceeded later to call it “information management” as euphemism, making it an okay business-like strategy, and so Enterprise Angel was born.

The aim devolved from seeking praise and recognition to seeking power-over-people. Means justified the end. It became okay not only to lie, but to manipulate others (suicide gesture, R/AJ, College Elections where people referred to you as “political’ and an “opportunist”), to use people, to mislead people, and even to steal from your best friend.

All means justify the end.Everything became a means to an end: your social skills, sexuality, spirituality… all means to the same end: power-over others.

The end is power. When one girl liked you, you thought: I can get more girls to like me.

Your successes intoxicated you. Feeling invincible, “larger than life” was intoxicating. You wanted more and more, more praise, more attention, more power. You wanted invincibility. That younger Angel that got the frown, through no fault of his own (father’s profession, social status) will never …lose again. And it doesn’t matter what it takes, who it hurts: Angel will not lose again. Not only Angel will not lose again, Angel will win, big time.

You figured: this is how the world works: it is all perception and I will make it work for me. I will not lose.

Only you lost: your “average friends” got better jobs than you, working in the city while you are stuck at a lesser job, in a place you don’t like. Your successes were short lived.

So here you are. In your latest post, you asked about what career should you develop, maybe be a motivational speaker because no product is needed. As a motivational speaker, all you will need to do is speak and use your logic skills and people skills that you believe are superior.

I don’t have success in that search for power-over that you had sought. So I have nothing to offer you in that regard. I believe that there are a lot of people in the search for power where all means justify the end, so you have a great competition. And people who are very skilled and successful at it, I don’t think would be willing to teach you how they do it: why would they…

People who have been very successful at this aim, end, I think that two of them are running for the position of being the next U.S.A president as I type this. One is Donald Trump. All of his power, fame and wealth, before running for president was not satisfactory for him. He wanted more. Just like when one girl liked you and you thought: if I got her to like me, I can get more girls to like me, the same thinking is here: I am a billionaire and everyone knows my name (Trump), hey, maybe I can be president of the U.S!

The second person is Hillary Clinton. She spent 8 years in the white house and however many years in the government but that is not enough: she wants another 4 years in the white house. Maybe 8.

I wonder, when Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton lie in their beds at night (separately), when the lights are turned off and they feel old age pain here and there and knowing there is no power in the world to prevent them from getting sick and dying… where do they find their comfort?

But I digress, or not.

I will continue only if I get a thoughtful response from you about what I wrote here, in this post. At that point, we can continue our discussion. This is a very interesting correspondence, one that occupied hours of my time and attention so far.

anita