Dear flyby:

The problematic relationship with him (where the list of 1-8 is relevant to) started when you were 25 (and he was 26) in NYC. For the first 3 years of this NYC relationship he had another girlfriend and you were “the other woman”-

Am I correct: three years?

This would explain his motivation for #2, 4 and maybe #5 on your list above.

My thoughts at this point: if this correct, he was/ is not a decent man, to be having an intimate physical relationship with two women at the same time, hiding this fact from one or the two of you.

And it is also true, that you either knew of the other woman, or, being the intelligent woman that you are, could have known by the suspicious nature of his behavior (#2, 4 and maybe #5). Either way, you accepted your position in his life. By accepting these (#2 and 4, at the least), you justified, in his mind, his own disrespect of you.

And so, disrespecting you, not recognizing your worth and value, this would explain all the other items on your list, including not respecting the boundaries you set with him.

There is a lot more to this, to the concept of being in an intimate relationship with a person who disrespects you, who doesn’t think of you as valuable, a whole lot more. If you agree, this is definitely something to work on in the therapy you are about to have.

If you agree with the principle here, I would like to communicate with you further about this, as I was with people who disrespected me terribly myself, in the past, and having this personal experience can make it possible for you and I to help each other understand more, see more what needs to be seen.

anita