I do deserve this pain, Anita. It’s the bitter truth, but truth alright. Whatever may be the faults of my upbringing… it does not change what I did. Even some of the terrorists who cause so many innocent deaths all around the world seem to sympathetic if you examine their background, but the damage they caused cannot be undone. Jerry is one of the sweetest, kindest, most innocent and soft-hearted, genuinely loving, loyal and devoted human beings on this planet. I’m not saying it just because I love her. It’s the truth that I’ve known from a long time, even before I realized I’m in love with her. Despite knowing everything, it was I who caused fights on petty issues (such as what to post on our Facebook page) and kept away my phone in anger knowing well she was sending sorry messages relentlessly, probably crying on her end while I sat like an obstinate creature ignoring everything, replying when I felt like it. Or I sent her some 10-page long, emotionally hurtful message and threatened to never talk to her again, turned off the phone in anger knowing well that by the morning she’ll have sent a million sorry messages even if it wasn’t her fault at all. Such incidents happened not once but literally thousands of times. Is it not emotional abuse, manipulation and mind games of the worst sort? If this is not karma for my vile deeds, I dunno what is. I accept it and I know I only am responsible for this sweet girl to feel so hurt and act towards me this way. Every human being has emotional limits and I crossed hers a million times like a selfish beast and she loved me enough to forgive me silently time and again, though she has emotions too. All these thoughts are killing me and making every second of my existence a living hell.

Yes, she blocked me after she found out from our friend that I had these feelings from her. I do feel it was too much and she could’ve just talked to me…but I cannot blame her for her reaction even if it hurts me. I already hurt her very badly, too much like you can read above. If she felt this was just another attempt of mine to hurt her, she’s well justified to feel that way after my deeds. Moreover, she told me that she does not like talking to boys at all other than her brother, and I’m the only one exception because we developed such a sweet bond over these years. It’s the truth, I myself observed that almost everyone else she ever talked to are girls. She loved me as a brother and it’s natural that she expected me to feel the same way for her. She said to me – “I did not expect this from you. I don’t feel we ever shared anything personal and we always spoke just about our favourite show and actor. I said nothing for you to be justified to feel this way for me.” As you know, the second part is wrong because we did share a lot of personal things, which she now doesn’t wish to admit. But she seems to feel I misinterpreted some of her words as romantic signals and decided to push forward, when in fact it isn’t true and the feelings are mine alone. I knew she’d not accept my feelings, that’s why I didn’t express them to her. I don’t know how to make her understand this, now that she’s not even talking to me.

She’s also very offended by me sharing my feelings to our friends, saying “It’s completely unacceptable to me that you shared our private matters to the whole world. Do you think I should keep quiet when you go around telling people behind my back that you have romantic feelings for me?” In fact I had been careful not to share any “private” things she told me to them. I did not share my feelings to the “whole world”, but just 2 people whom we both consider our sisters. I gave her my reasons for doing it – because I knew she won’t accept my feelings. Am I not a human being? For how long can I bottle up my emotions inside me? Did I not have a right to share it with a selected few people we both consider family? It’s not like I started spreading gossip or rumours about her, for heaven’s sake. I don’t know why she can’t try to understand this. I know it’s all my fault. If I had not hurt her like a monster so many times, maybe she’d have been much softer and more understanding. It’s my karma and nothing else.

Out of my anger, apart from the horrible things I said to her, I also exited our Facebook page and groups, which hurt her too. I made a mess of the most loving and prized relation of my life and I could give my life to just have her back… but I see nothing but darkness ahead. I cannot bear with this cursed life anymore.