My parents are so worried for my studies and almost begging me to put aside whatever is bothering me, and focus on my career first. It hurts me to see them like that. I called an anti-depression service again, and the person said I cannot hope to have her back and he can only help me cope with my pain and forget her. I disconnected after thanking him and felt truly lonely and miserable. I just wish to have her back… I swear I’ll never ask for anything else for myself. I wrote this poem to vent out my pain and feelings. I don’t know what else to do.

My face lit up with a smile brighter than the early sunlight
After seeing your “good morning” messages on my phone
No matter where I went, my day was always joyfully bright
I smiled when my phone vibrated; I knew I was never alone.

I cannot imagine that it had been three long years until now
I truly feel as if we knew each other since as far as I can recall
What we meant to each other, we both know within and how
No matter what dark times we face, can that care ever fall?

It was a seemingly ordinary hour, just before her birthday
When I received your wonderful message that started it all
Our plans for our Facebook page and choosing the hard way
To defend our elder sister and ensure her honour stands tall.

We’re both so hesitant and introverted, unwilling to open up
Yet on working together, we found an understanding beyond
We were always there for each other, as support and backup
We faced so much, and never could anything affect our bond.

Be it in joy or sorrow, whether in light or in our darkest times
You were there for me, to guide and help, to make me calm
When my anger blinded me, you endured all my vile crimes
You loved me as a brother, and your care was a healing balm.

When the world abandoned me for the vicious beast I am
You alone bore everything, even suppressing your own pain
Out of your genuine care, you held back the pain-filled dam
You smiled at my happiness and tried to mask all the strain.

I know that I could not live up to the promise I made to you
To control my anger and rage, to become what I once was
None could regret my failure more than me, that’s true too
I know that for my present pain and sorrow, I am the cause.

For all the infernal words my tongue let slip, may it thus rot
For all the wrong thoughts my mind held, may it set ablaze
I twitch and squirm in this net of evil in which I was caught
I can do nothing but look back at memories through a haze.

I just wish you knew I never intended any harm to you ever
When I knew my feelings had changed, I chose not to tell
I knew you would only feel hurt, would accept them never
I know I made mistakes, and I’m now burning in fiery hell.

I did not intend any gossip, when in our friends I did confide
I simply needed a place to express; I had given them my trust
I truly did not wish to offend you, I couldn’t have even tried
I didn’t see that it could lead to everything crumbling to dust.

For the harsh words that my cursed lips uttered, I bear guilt
You never meant harm and were as sweet as you always are
For my all uncivilized behaviour, I am responsible to the hilt
I don’t wish to make excuses, but it’s a result of my past scar.

Ever since that incident, I have been determined to change
To live up to my promise and to truly become a better man
One worthy of being with you and with values wide in range
And I found the roots of my anger in my past life’s caravan.

With sincere efforts I wish to change myself for the better
To never be hurtful, to have compassion and understanding
None but you could’ve motivated me to change even a letter
I wish you could see why your inspiration is truly outstanding.

I’m honestly not asking you to feel the same as I do for you
I respect your feelings and I would never even think to force
I just wish you know that my respect and care are always true
That they flow from my heart, like a river running its course.

There hasn’t been a darker time in my life than these days
I’m like a flailing ship with its sails ripped and torn asunder
For these years you were my light of happiness on my ways
Without you, my life is bereft of joy and any sense of wonder.

Without you, all colours are drained and everything is grey
The very essence of life is gone and thrown down the drain
Without you, to hopelessness and despair I have fallen prey
Exhaustion at this awful, wretched life paralyzes my brain.

There’s no more bright “good morning” message in sight
There’s no longer even your sweet “hehe lol” left to see
No one to discuss about our show or against haters fight
All that’s left are those memories, as painful as can be.

I do not demand that you must reciprocate what I feel
I simply wish that we don’t let this issue affect our bond
That we at least have a cordial relation, and we let it heal
Hadn’t we sworn to be together in this life and beyond?

No matter what they say, they can never understand
Unless they’ve been in my heart, they can never know
They can’t see why you hold in my heart a place so grand
That it’s not a whim but a most genuine, heartfelt glow.

Whatever you think of me, I can never uproot my care
The place you hold in my heart, can’t be taken by another
No matter what the world says, all the pain I’ll gladly bear
But I’ll never let go, and will love you more than any other

I wish that this is not the end to the sweet bond we share
Within our heart, both of us know its importance so well
That we are together again is my honest and solemn prayer
I truly pray our bond emerges unhurt from this cursed spell.