Thanks Anita for going through my posts and replying so thoughtfully. I agree with most of the points you’ve put forward here and they do ring a bell with me. Here’s what I feel.

1. Yes, this is what I feel about my anger. Unfortunately the despair is causing my resolve to crumble. Like today, nearly half the time my parents were at my back demanding what topics I’ve studied today, what’s left, what more needs to be done, we’re worried that you’re wasting precious time, nothing is more important than studies, there’s very little time left for exams, so study, study, study. I’m already broken due to this issue and this became unbearable and I lost my temper. I tried to be assertive but they didn’t understand and went on and on (especially my mom) about how studies-are-the-purpose-of-life and what not. What could I do?

2. It’s true. Sadly, the use of past tense really makes me feel awful. I just wish that at the end of everything, our bond survives and we remain good friends at least. Maybe even a brother-sister again someday… but may this not be the end. Only you have understood what she means to me. I’m sick of everyone else lecturing me about “Come on, life stops for nobody, there are things more important than her, you must live happily for your parents.” Not a single person except you and possibly one more friend understood what she means to me.

3. This I understand and accepted from the day I realized my feelings for her. Like I said, I do feel that when you act right from your side and believe in your heart, sometimes unexpected miracles happen. Not that I was counting on one, but for me just being with her, even as a friend is far more important than a relationship as my heart wishes for.

4. This is true again. I can’t help but wonder if this was the reason that knowing about my feelings resulted in such a reaction from her.

5. This point is a far cry from now. My priority is simply making up to her and reuniting with her. Everything else including this, we can worry about later.

6. I know. But I truly do want to make up for it and make her happy… compensate for what I did. This is different from the relationship part. And I truly wish to change myself. I do not want to lose her. I prefer to die than losing her, I mean it.