Nick,

It is only a joke if both people are laughing. If you are getting hurt feelings, its not actually joking, its abusive (even if playfully intended) and will eventually undermine the intimacy you have with him.

If two people in love like to hit each other, on the butt for instance, it is fine thing for the intimacy to strike one another. If one likes to hit and one likes to be hit, that is fine. If one likes to hit and the other gets bruised and hurt feelings, it is not fine.

This seems like an issue with boundaries. If you have told him you do not like the cutting remarks, they hurt your feelings, and you don’t want him to do it anymore, and he continues… then it is not about being “tougher” or creating something inside you to deal with his mannerisms. It is about realizing that an intimacy that is based in mutual acceptance and respect would not look like what you have. If you wish to keep the intimacy alive, you have to set the boundaries and enforce them. Otherwise you’ll eventually lose your trust of him and look for a different partner.

Sometimes the lesson of the thornbush isn’t how to move through it without a wound, its to learn to disengage.

With warmth,
Matt