So much of what we perceive as “biblical” isn’t biblical at all, it’s the history we’ve learned as fact from whoever was the dominant church in our lives or households – not that I place much more significance on the bible itself. Still, the word “hell” is only mentioned around 50 times, so few as to make it an afterthought in such a massive book. The church has spent centuries mastering and profiting off of two arts: guilt and fear. It’s no wonder you were unable to eliminate either as a “born-again Christian”. Even if you were to behave as the perfect model of Christian faith, you’d still have the fear of hell biting at your ankles…if for no other reason than the occasional curiosity and doubt that’s a very human characteristic.

As for the abortions, the decisions have already been made, and I think the way you allow those choices to haunt you is hell enough for one lifetime. My point here isn’t to get into a moral debate or judgmental analysis. But from a karmic standpoint, you’ve made your bed and your lying in it. In the same way that someone who over-indulges in food or cigarettes, makes their bed and lives with the consequences of poor health. What’s done can’t be undone, but you can choose a healthier way of living. Contraception might be a good thing to stock-up on, or maybe you need to check into having your tubes tied…if you don’t want kids. I say that only because, after the first, there came a second, which you now have double the worry to contend with. You don’t want a third. And depending on the particular brand of faith in your Christian background, contraception may not have been allowed.

If you’re afraid of hell, then there’s no sense in rushing to get there through some desire to punish yourself via suicide. The Christian faith would never teach you that what those actions were for the best, but maybe they were? Many people have kids that have no business having them, and all too often they birth because of their own fears of hell and church guilt. That doesn’t make them good parents or role model citizens of holiness.

So, let it go with an attitude of changing the behaviors that keep putting you in this predicament. Beating yourself up over it, isn’t doing you any good and it won’t change the past. Might as well move forward a little wiser, and use that wisdom to live happier.

I hope this helps :0)