Nico,

I’m very sorry you’re in such an emotionally difficult place, it saddens my heart to know my distant sister is full of despair. Don’t give up, I swear there is such remarkable beauty in this world that it’ll blow your socks off some day. It seems to be a conglomerate of ick going on, and a few things came to heart as I read your words.

I was raised in an environment that was also toxic, with a mom that was constantly shaming (or using me for her esteem “look at what my son can do” but never to me, just to her friends). My dad was loving, but I never saw him. My step-dad was distant and angry. Plus, we moved around a lot, so I didn’t establish any long term friends until later in life. This left me feeling broken and ashamed for a good portion of my life.

Eventually I got fed up with feeling shitty, and decided to figure out what in the world was going on with my mind and emotions. I saw plenty of others less smart, less successful in business, but they were waaay happier. This began a process of exploration that has been so incredibly amazing, it is not even able to be expressed in words.

What I found, more than any philosophy or therapeutical ideology, is that this world is bursting at the seams with loving people. We tend to attract our intent, so people who feel unworthy of human connection don’t seek a surrogate family… they can just sit and stew in the feeling of isolation. This is like being an outsider to the big party here on earth, but there is an open invitation. Sure, your parents are bleh at times, or most of the time. Maybe even all of the time, but their hearts have been wounded from the same process as yours. When we see a world of stress and danger, it can be difficult to remain warm inside.

That’s where the community comes in. Tinybuddha is one, and there are many of them on the net and in cities. People coming together to share their hearts, to show one another what genuine heartfelt support looks like. When we connect to one another, it dispels all that doubt which makes us feel as though we are unlovable, broken or without hope. We know we are loved even when we are struggling with difficult times. All we really need to get through is knowing that one person loves us unconditionally, and I know for a fact you have at least one of those. 🙂 I’m also sure others from tinybuddha will show you!

From there its really just about sorting through the pieces. What baggage have you been left with and how can you “unpack the backpack” so you’re not as weighed down? Healing takes time and effort, but there is sooo much joy along the way that the path fuels itself. We only need the courage to jump in.

Perhaps a breadcrumb that might help is “Brene Brown’s The Power of Vulnerability” which is a 20 minute video that is googleable (is that a word?). Also consider that talking to a therapist might make the process easier.

With warmth,
Matt