Hi Ingrid!
you have to completely accept that your relationship with your ex is over. Nine years is a long time and getting over a relationship like that could be the most difficult thing to do. I would suggest that you should stop making any contact with him immediately. These small interaction give hope and hope create confusion which ultimately complicate our lives.
I did the same mistake what you are doing now. I kept my hope alive for my ex. We had a relationship of 8 years. My attempts worked and she came back to be.But now I regret why I chased her, I should have let her go. Even if you get back together relationship wont be the same as it was earlier. A string once broken can not be joined again, if you rejoin it the generated knot will hinder the early smoothness.

Check out this story, this might help you understand my point.

http://upsohigh.com/complete-acceptance/

Life is not just of 9 years.You have two choices. Either let go these 9 years right now and live your life as it never happened or cry for another 9 years and then regret for wasted 18 years for rest of your lives. Good Luck 🙂