Alana,

It does sound painful, the place that you’re in, and for that you have my sympathy. I love how you desire authentic happiness for yourself and your children, its a far too rare desire in this world!

David Burns wrote a book “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” which can help with the negative self talk. In the absence of the negative self talk, our mistakes are only information that we can use to change our behaviors for next time. In the presence of negative self talk, we can slip into spirals of painful feelings.

For instance, if we cook a grilled cheese sandwich for too long, it will burn and taste icky. One path is “OK, I will cook it less next time and see if that helps”. The other is “I can’t even cook a grilled cheese. Everyone can cook a grilled cheese but me. I want my kids to have a well cooked grilled cheese, and I am failing as a mother. I must conclude that i am a failure as a cook and a person and a mother.”

Burning the toast is really the only way we can learn. You’ve tried drugs as a source of joy and find that they don’t give it. That’s great! Its left some icky taste in your mind, but you learned the lesson and are struggling to cook a better grilled cheese. Alana, I wish you could see yourself through my eyes, because I see bravery, love, commitment, and healing. Don’t be afraid of failure… you’ve been through it before and know your love survives. Your failures are all part of something greater… burnt bread, drug addiction, ishy self-talk, your love of your children, your inherent beauty… all of these are leading you on a path where you are learning to cook.

Remember that you’re not alone! As you struggle with things, don’t be ashamed to ask for help. People suffer just like you, and we all have innovations that might help. You have the courage to jump, and have jumped, so now all that is left is to be patient with yourself as you grow your wings and fly.

With warmth,
Matt