Amanda,

Isn’t it amazing how love can be so fulfilling and so confusing at the same time? On one hand, our heart shines powerfully but on the other we have no idea what to do with it! I’m sympathetic to your troubles, and a few things arose in my heart while I read your words.

Intimacy is a matter of trust, and yours was hurt in two ways. First, when he left for Thailand, he was deceptive about his expectations and told you to be free when he really wanted your devotion. Then, because of that misrepresentation, you acted in a way that hurt the intimacy by sleeping with another. If both of you feel the potency of the intimacy is stronger than the disruption, it is workable. If either one of you does not, then the intimacy will fade.

It would not be helpful or appropriate to point you in a specific direction, that is between you and your heart. However, I do know that hurt feelings are more likely to be mollified when we address them directly rather than getting swept into the actions that inspired them. For instance “I’m sorry I slept with him.” is perhaps not as direct as “I’m so sorry you feel hurt.” Or “As I look at what we’ve become, if you had done the same in Thailand I would feel the same.”

From my view, you did nothing dishonorable. He gave you the wrong information, and so you acted from a place of false understanding. It seems to me that a solution to the dissonance in the intimacy could be addressed as:
“You were scared of telling me where you really were before going to Thailand, and I was scared that we weren’t as close as I thought. We both erred, but I believe in us. As we get closer and closer, and know each other more deeply, we have better information to work with, and can express our love in more appropriate ways. I will never cheat on you, and my heart breaks to see you in so much pain. We can’t go back and change either your words or my actions, but we can overcome this, I love you far too much to give up from this. Do you see me? Are you here with me? Can you feel my love and dedication to you? You have it. I don’t always have the words, but I do have the love.” This is just a for instance, where you accept the truth of where you’ve been together, and your side of where you are now. Invite him to join you in openness and honesty, and he may or may not have the courage or warmth to jump. That’s between him and his heart.

With warmth,
Matt