Ash,

In addition to Jerry’s well considered words about the benefits of group support, also consider that you are being extra hard with yourself. You already have patterns of addiction to overcome, no need for self-blame on top of it. If you consider how many people have joined AA, you can see just how many people have fallen into patterns like you’ve had! You’re not especially broken or somehow unworthy… you are quite ordinary in the way you fell into unskillful habits. Its happened to us all of us in one way or another.

What I ask you to consider is this: perhaps our bodies and minds need fuel, and you were just filling up with icky food. This wasn’t just drinking and smoking, but perhaps in negative self talk. Pia Melody and Melody Beattie have great books on codependency which can help us find food which is genuinely nourishing. Then, we no longer have the empty feeling inside which pushes us to get fuel from our partners and intoxication. Instead, we remain buoyant and well fueled so we don’t crave/get pissed when our craving isn’t fed.

In regards to your cowboy prince, it seems like you have to let go. If he is the one, don’t be afraid he will end up with someone else. If he isn’t, then he isn’t. Either way, you have a duty to yourself, your future partner, and your child to find that spark inside yourself and turn it into a flame. Then you will naturally and authentically give and receive love, because it will be driven by joy, rather than craving.

Healing requires patience and deep looking. If you ask yourself “what is really here” and try to let go of the old patterns, healing will occur naturally without a need to force it. You will see what actions lead to what results, and then it is worth a laugh and a “well, I’ll not do it that way again.” Then the clouds drift away, and we are left with peace and authenticity.

With warmth,
Matt