Shampayne,

I can understand and relate to the difficulties that you’re having with the unknown future and the unknown present. I’m impressed by how much you’re examining the difference between your actions and your feeling of potential, and the wish to balance “giving back enough” with “not being stretched too thin” is one of the most common difficulties. There is a way to sort this all out, and you’re already doing well at getting your mind moving in a good direction. 🙂

I know you feel lost in this moment, but that is actually such a great place to be, especially at your age. What you’ve done in broken free from the social norms around you and started looking inward. Amazing for someone so young! Unfortunately, you’re also only 18, which means your brain is still growing and developing… so wisdom is more difficult now than it will be in another 6-10 years. As the frontal lobe finishes it growth, cause and effect become more clear.

It can often be helpful if we don’t just look at “our FUTURE” because it gets really overwhelming really fast. One of my teachers suggested it is better to break it up into small pieces and write it down. For instance, if you look at “school” and simply write down, brainstorm, what your desires are, you won’t have to keep it in your head anymore. When we don’t write down or draw out our vision, we become afraid we will lose a part of it, so we try to keep it alive by hanging on. This is like having an unsaved project on the computer that if we do not have it saved we feel despair if we lose power. The problem is that the desires take up space, which we have to use energy to maintain. If we write them down, the mind can relax.

With your family, are they frustrated that you’re not working? Have your parents indicated that it would be helpful to get a job? Have you spoken with them about your fears of being stretched too thin and not being able to focus enough energy on school? What are your parents hopes for your contribution to the family? Are they satisfied with you? Do they want more?

I felt the call to put those ideas out first, because it seems like at the very manifest level of your life they seem to be the most direct. However, there is also a basic strategy or method of working with ourselves that could help you regain some vitality and energy. Being 18, you might not be able to see it, but I’ll do my best to explain, and you do your best to see. 🙂

Imagine for a moment that you have 10 dollars (your basic vitality) to invest. In the moment you wrote the post for instance, you had 2 bucks invested in comparing yourself to societies portrayal of kids your age. 3 bucks invested in worrying about your contribution to family. 1 bucks invested in tinybuddha. 3 bucks invested in worrying about your ability to create your dreams. 1 dollar was invested in your basic faculties such as breathing, seeing, hearing and so on.

What some have found is that all of the joy we need is actually found in that final “faculties” investment. When we have all our money (attention) spread thin, we are not receiving the energy that is available to us. Different teachers have said it in different ways, but when we bring our attention back into the faculties, we regain our sense of power and beauty.

Jesus said that all of the energy is to be found in the day to day activities. Buddha said that the other investments are created by attachments (our mind getting sucked into them by force of habit), and the payoff is dissatisfaction. The solution is to know thy self, or bringing enough of your attention back into the present moment that we have the energy to overcome the other questions without much difficulty.

To do this, we can meditate, which is a moment in time that we allow all of our attention to become invested in the body. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great video on YouTube called “counting breaths” which is a simple and quite effective method. It makes all the difference in the world, because we become aware of how we are investing our energy. Said differently, we become exhausted by “trying to be someone” and regain it when we recognize that we already “are someone”.

In the Zen tradition, it is often said that in order to awaken we have to drop the personality and realize we are who we are. For instance, you’re concerned you’re not doing enough for the family, that you should be getting a job, that you should be doing more, afraid you’re a burden, setting a bad example for the younger sibling(s) etc etc. It is enough to know you’re concerned. It might even be enough to simply say “I am concerned” because then you are poised to answer the question “is it right that I am concerned? How can I resolve the concern?” As you find out your parent’s hopes for you, you can then decide if the concern is something to let go of, or if your mom could really use more help. Either way, the concern settles. Does that make sense to you?

It is very common to be fearful of the future, especially during big changes like moving from high school to college. I’m excited and impressed by the way you’re relating to your life, and have confidence in your future. The unknown is always upon us, and the more directly we accept that it scares us, the easier it is to pilot our way through. Do you see how amazing you are? Probably not, but I do. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt