Anca,

This story definitely resonates with me, I’m 21 and I just got out of a relationship. The issues that ended the relationship have troubled me because they are as a result of things that have happened in my last relationship as well. My ex boyfriend, we’ll call Chris, did not have enough time to put into the relationship due to his job. The same happened with the guy I was with before Chris. At the beginning everything went well with both Chris and (we’ll call him) Kyle. I’m in school still, but they both were not. They had to work 30 hours + a week and I spent a few hours in class then had nothing else to do. I’m also from Michigan, but I’ve relocated to Georgia and as a result don’t have many close friends. I do have family, but they were 2 hours or so away, so seeing them wasn’t always an option. When I first moved to Georgia I got into a relationship with Kyle. That relationship failed partly because I did not yet understand the importance of experiencing the tough trials of being on your own, being an individual. I wished I had because Kyle was a great guy, probably not the “one” for me, but he did love me. I pushed away his love because I could not accept there was still yet room to grow in my own skin. Instead I struggled socially still in college, as I had in high school, and asked Kyle “why me? why hasn’t this changed?”. I was frustrated that I hadn’t achieved the life and instant gratified happiness I thought would occur in college. I was disillusioned by the external factors that I imagined would help me transform into a happy person. Those being leaving my home town, going to college, and having a relationship. Now I have just had another relationship end because I can’t handle the challenges of life, but I also recognize sometimes in life although we DO rely on relationships for happiness wrongly, we are also sometimes justified in our unhappiness. Chris wasn’t really right for me either in a variety of ways. Whether or not I could ever be content with him, I’m not sure. But our situation, the combination of what he wanted and what I wanted, weren’t aligned. He would have been happy seeing me a couple times a month. I want companions, I want friends. Something stable. Yet maybe I need to deny myself of that external distraction because every time I pursue it, it fails. Something you mentioned that relates to this Anca, your feelings of not loving yourself. I know I struggle with that daily, but I often feel lonely and desire people. Yet no one will become close with you unless you project your best self out to others. Until internally this occurs, it won’t happen with any others; friends and those you want a relationship with. In any case, I keep this in mind while my future is very uncertain, and remind myself to be patient. Do what’s best for you now, I’m very glad to see you too are trying to strengthen your self independently. Life is too short to be miserable because of other people. If it is meant to happen, it will.

Best.