Tera,

What a great question! On one hand, we wish to protect our delicate heart, and on the other, we wish to connect to others who sometimes get under our skin. So, what do we do?

There are a couple things to resolve before the real practice. The first is that a healthy mind doesn’t do those things, and so your mom has some ick in there. You know how it feels when your mom is saying things to you? She lives in that mind, imagine how painful it becomes!

Instead of looking at it as “my mom does such and such to me”, you might be of a view that can say “look at how my mom’s actions and words hurt both of us.” When we express boundaries to people who expect us to suffer for them, they sometimes send out hooks that dig into our mind. “Goodbye mom” is met with “if you loved me, you wouldn’t hang up” or “I don’t like it when you say those things to me” is met with “you’re just ignorant of what its really like in the world” and so on. The trick is not in trying to control what they say, but in dealing with the agitation in our mind that grabs us as we hear the words.

The practice which can help silence the agitation which comes up as you connect with your mom is called Metta or loving-kindness practice. After a meditative exercise (such as breathing, yoga, etc) picture something or someone which inspires warmth of heart. Kittens, children playing, trusted friends… whatever makes your heart sigh and open. Just imagine them playing or dancing or whatever, and imagine your heart giving them all that warmth. “I see you kittens, and wish the beauty and warmth in my heart would surround you.” When the warmth is vibrant, you can switch the picture to your mom as a child, playing with a doll or truck or dancing to some music. “I’m so sorry that as you grow up you’ll have such a pained mind, I wish you could dance forever.”

This can erode the habit of becoming agitated with your mom, but helps with agitation in general very well. If and when the agitation arrives, just say to yourself “yep, this is agitation. My mom’s verbal hooks grabbed me again, so now this feeling is here.”

With warmth,
Matt