Pat,
Sometimes when we are in chronic pain, we can become absorbed by “our side” of the situation. As you said, it is difficult for you to do certain activities, which is just how it is.
Consider that perhaps the responses you receive from your family are unskillful, but motivated by genuine love and warm feelings. If they had not cared, they would not have lashed out. Instead, it sounds like their feelings were hurt, they felt unimportant to you, and in their pain said things that hurt your feelings. Now, when your sister wants to let go and move on(“pretend nothing happened”), you wish to club her in the heart by telling her that her words were cruel, mean, and so on.
What that really says is “I do not accept your feelings and the way you acted on those feelings.” It is like passing the hot potato of anger between you and her, right now you feel stuck with it and want to get rid of it by throwing it at your sister. Consider that it is OK to just set it down and forgive her without needing to tell her that her words were unacceptable.
Were I to have that conversation (and I have had to have it plenty of times before) I would tell her that family is very important to me. I was sorry for all of the causes of me not being at the party, and all of the effects of my not being there. Then, I would say that I understand why my sister would lash out like that, because it is painful when we feel unloved or unsupported. Then I would assure her that it is the furthest thing from the truth, and that the connection to her was so important it had tied me up on knots, and how beautiful it is to be connecting with my sister again.
Can you forgive them for feeling hurt and doing things like ignoring you or judging you as they healed that hurt? Do you HAVE to make it about you? Can you let go without trying to punish her for the feelings of hurt you felt? Your heart seems strong and bright to me, and I am confident you can put the anger down and love them without reserve. Let go! Its done, gone, past!
With warmth,
Matt
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