Anita, thank you so much for taking some time to answer me 🙂

I was VERY confused when I wrote that and things are much clear now.

I actually called her and we met yesterday. We had a great conversation about our relationship, past and present, she was so kind and honest to me.

First of all, she had already told me a lot of times why she does not want to get back to our relationship. There was no need for another “closure”, but I was (and still am) having a very hard time accepting it.

I was the one who broke up, I was feeling unhappy and miserable,, and it shocked her SO MUCH at that time. She was devastate during the first weeks/months. After some time, though, she was able to move on and she is really a new woman now, while I wasnt able to do the same.

She still loves me and admires me so much (she said it to me and I know/feel this is true) but she does not believe in our relationship anymore, since we have tried for 8 years already. There is no reason for her to believe that THIS TIME things will be ok.  This is something hard for me to accept, maybe she is right and we simple cannot make it together anymore, while still loving each other, but I guess I’m very “romantic” regarding this topic and I do believe that we coud make it happen. We talked about it too, but it is much harder for her to believe in our relationship because she was the one who was “rejected” initially and she fears that I can do it again in the future (her words).

The fact is, I know I’m looking for hapiness at the wrong place. Because I’m feeling rejected and unconfident, getting her back seens to be all I need to be happy, while I know this is an ilussion. I feel desperate for her validation. I am a very succesfull guy at my profession and as an athlete, people around me believe that I am unbeatable and super confident, I have a lot of admiration from my students, my family and my friends and even from a good ammount of woman, but I still feel like a failure just because SHE is rejecting me. What, actually, is absolutely not personal – she is rejecting a relationship with me, not myself as a person, but I still cant stop begging for it.

I need help to get out of this mindset, I need to get rid of this confusion, and I know that I may need to hear some hard words about my attitude. I’ve been trying to meditate and the buddhist readings have already helped me A LOT, as reading these foruns are.

Thanks!

• This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Vicente.

Hi Anita! Thanks again for your attention…

First: “My question is: why did you break up with her, that is, why were you unhappy and miserable in the relationship?”

At that time we were living together but not connected anymore. I felt like she was not supportive and was pushing me backwards, she was so insecure and because of that very jealous. So I kept focused on my objetives at that time and did not give much attention to her anymore, what left her feeling so alone. She was not happy too, and aware that things were absolutely not right, but still thought we could make it trhough. I think lack of communication took a great role at this point, since we stopped talking to each other about any issue to avoid argueing. At the end of the day we were two strangers living under the same roof.

Today, though, she became a much different and more confident person, and I recognize that the break up was VERY important for her as she could discover herself as a person, while I have been the main character during all those years. She turned into an even more amazing person. When we are together things are great, we have so much intimacy and I think this could easily turn into a serious relationship again – while she fears turning back to the insecure and jealous person she was (her words) and end up being left again, while I am begging for one more chance.

While I was a very driven person while with her, today I absolutely lost focus of everything else in my life and cannot let it go and move on from this situation. I know she is happier now, what makes me feel good for her, but also makes me feel very low for not being able to do the same. I feel stupid begging for her attention and love. There a lot of people showing me kindness and love but I cant really receive it or give it back to anyone as she is the only person I seem to care about right now.

Charlena, everything that you wrote was so spot on! I could not have described it any better!

Thank you for such a deep response, I will surely read it again a lot of times.

1. “Its easy once you’re out of the relationship to forget what things were really like at the time. You say the two of you tried for 8 years – it shouldn’t be like that in a relationship – it shouldn’t be constantly trying to make it work. Yes – both people need to constantly work at a relationship – but not try. There’s a difference. (I too – tried the whole 6 yrs of mine). Our brains and minds are designed to forget bad things – be it how a person really treated us/things that happened to us (anytime in our life)/ right up to trauma – it’s the bodies survival mechanism.”

You are absolutely right, all this “attempts” are so tireful. I have already met other girls after my break up and felt like “oh, this is so… LIGHT, so EASY” since things worked out pretty much by themselves, just like you said – but of course I was not ready to get into another relationship yet. Also, I usually ignore all the bad things that happened, but I sure can remember it!

2. (…)  BUT – I will say this – if you guys are still in contact – that is making things really hard for you. It’s almost like you’re starting your break up from scratch each time you guys meet and become close and speak fondly of each other.”

This is exactly how I feel each time. No wonder why I can’t let it go after one year when I met her 2 days before the one year mark. Again, you are absolutely right.

3. “My only harsh words to you would be if you’re serious about wanting to heal and get over her – you need to cut her away. And that will be most terrifying for you – I GET THIS!! Your other option is to continue doing the dance you’re both doing until one of you meet someone else – and I think it will be her. You’ve said yourself she feels rejected by you – she will be validated in that when another guy comes along and I believe she’ll drop contact with you pretty quick – and you’ll be left to start the grieving process all over again. And don’t feel there’s something wrong because you can’t handle being rejected by her – of course she’s the one that does that to you – she was your girl for 8yrs! But she’s not anymore. And that might rip your heart out.”

I am absolutely sure this is whats going to happen If I dont get serious about leting it go and stop meeting her. Again, spot on.

4. “I think if you sat down and thought about and really concentrated on how you felt with her  in your years together – the raw stuff I mean – not the “it was nice to come home to her/nice to sit and watch tv with her/nice to have her to cuddle in bed” stuff – I’m talking the fights you would have – the SAME fights – her jealously and what that did to you – her insecurities – the pushing you back and not supporting you – THAT is what you have to remember about her and the relationship – and if you went back into a relationship with her – ALL of that would be right there too – I PROMISE YOU!

You sound like a really amazing guy – and she sounds amazing herself – but maybe she is just not the person you were meant to end up with? And that’s actually an exciting thing – it means theres a girl out there that would be perfect for you. One where you don’t have to try and make it work – it just works. A girl that supports and drives you. One that is so secure in herself there’s no jealously or insecurity in your relationship? What if that’s out there – and you’re missing it by holding on to your ex?”

This is the most important of all. I have came to a great conclusion yesterday before reading your post, and again you are absolutely right. Let me explain what I think that is going on: we both are great persons, with a ton of qualities , which we recognize in each other, and we share the same core values (such as family, hard work, honesty and others), something we found to be very hard to find out there and that really connects us. BUT, we have such different personalities that we cannot live together. It seems that our personalities block each other. While we are alone among our friends and family we act so different than we do when we are together among these same people – I just cant be myself because I’m afraid of her judgment, and she feels so low because my presence seems to smash hers (thats how she feels).

The great why I believe she is having a much easier time leting it go is because its not such a big deal for her to accept the fact that while we are two great persons, we simple dont match. She admires me, she wishes me the best and wants to find someone else with the same qualities and values, but with a different personality, one that matches her, to be with.

Myself, on the other hand, have a very hard time accepting it (or was having as it got MUCH easier since I have came up with this conclusion, read your post and am answering it right now). I think it has a lot to do with my personality – I am the “high achiever” kinf of guy. I’m always working so hard (too much I guess) to get the first place at something. I am very succesfull at my job, also as an athlete and at the academic level. This is something that is draining my energy and I have been meditating about it a lot lately. I believe that I see all these accomplishments as something that validates me. While I look like that unbeatable and super confident guy, deep inside I am an insecure person who needs this external validation that comes from all these “gold medals”. I am trying to let this aspect of my personality go as well as I KNOW THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. I am afraid that I see getting my ex back like something that I must accomplish at any cost, what is absolutely crazy as she is not a trophy that I can get or a competiton that I cant lose. She is and amazing person who deserves to be happy, as much as I do. After thinking about it all it got much easier for me to simple accept that our divorce is not a defeat by any means, it is a result of a lack of compatibility, and leting it go is what we need to do in order to find someone else who actually matches us instead of “trying” so hard to adjust ourselves to each other.

5. “I’ll finish up now – cos I’ve really added my 2 cents to this – but my advice: End it. For good. Wish her all the best and say goodbye. No more catch ups, no more being intimate, no more reigniting the teeny tiny flame that may or may not be still there. And then give yourself more time to heal. Even if it takes another year. You will get there – I promise promise promise!!!

You’re a smart guy – you know you’re looking in the wrong place for happiness. You’re switched on and you know what’s really going on. Give yourself a chance to heal from this. You didn’t make a mistake in breaking up with her – you did what needed to be done. Don’t forget why you did it. Annnnnnd if you’re meant to be with this girl – it’ll happen – she’ll come back into your life when its meant to happen and she won’t be rejecting you. It’ll be easy and will just work.”

Seriously, I cant thank you enough for all your kind words and amazing advice. I believe that you are ABSOLUTELY right and hearing from such a great person that I will get there and will heal is so conforting. I wish you only the best! If you have anything else to add to this subject after reading my long response, it would be great to hear from you.

THANK YOU!