Adam,

Sometimes we get confused about what provides us nourishment in each moment, and so we scramble for it unskillfully. I’m sympathetic to the difficulties you’re expressing, and a few things came to heart as I read your words.

What I read is you find great nourishment in connecting with others. This is great, fine and worthy. Human connection is one of the three needs for spiritual development (according to the Buddha… it is the Buddha, dharma, and sangha. Said differently it is our ability to awaken, the truth we resonate with, and the community that we connect to). But what is going wrong?

When we engage with others, and our confidence is low, we slip away from our inner truth and adopt theirs. Said differently, we look to others for kindness and acceptance when we don’t have those for ourselves. It is like we have a leaky bucket, where praise goes in and slips out before it has a chance to help our confidence grow. For people with empathy it is even more difficult, because there are many layers to each moment… often the words said conflict with other perceptions that arise.

There is a relatively simple solution, though it is a process. We have to figure out who we are. Know thyself. Come to know what you perceive and what you feel. Then, take responsibility only for that.

The process or practice of doing that is meditation. Consider perhaps looking for a meditation center in your local area, where teachers help people just like us find the path to inner wellness. Said differently, when we spend time sitting with our self, we come to know and love our bodies and minds, and it provides us an authentic confidence that nourishes us in a way that is critical.

If you’re hesitant to find a meditation center, consider reading about co-dependence, as it seems you have a similar difficulty. Pia Melody has a great book as does Melody Beattie. In the mean time, you could do some activities that are self nurturing. What do you like to do? What activities open your heart and help you feel comfortable and confident? For me, playing with my kids, soft music, cooking, writing, bathing and meditating do it. What does it for you? Perhaps it is time to turn your attention inward, and work to please yourself. It is not selfish! As you become more stable and happy, your gifts to others will be much more nourishing to us all.

With warmth,
Matt

Adam,

It is said that one of the pillars of development is the sangha, or community of practitioners. When a person does not stay connected to like minded people, the inspiration for practice dissipates. The other two are the dharma (truth) and Buddha (quality of being awake). Its no wonder that it has been difficult to stick with, that happens to all of us.

In regards to not letting others opinions matter so much, consider that it is helpful to remain open. So we do not try to keep the front door shut to keep others’ opinions from mattering. Instead, as we come to understand our own bodies, we learn to keep the back door open so we can let their views pass right through. This is one of the many benefits of meditation, we get practice at honoring what is there and then letting go. Said differently, instead of “your opinion doesn’t matter” it can become “that is your view, and it may have innovations that are helpful or judgments that are not.” We seperate the wheat from the chaff and keep moving, keep flowing.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi there,

I sense that you value what matters to others more that what matters to you. Remember that all sources of life must flow throw you. All energy must flow through you first. YOU are the center. In other words. YOU matter before anyone else does 🙂 It does not matter what people think of you. all that matters is how you feel about yourself. Low self esteem does not come from what people say about you or do to you but instead what you say about yourself and what you do to yourself. Finish this sentence for me : If I loved myself more I………….. 🙂 It all starts with you. We can not seek acceptance from others if we do not accept ourselves. We set the standard for others on how they should treat us by how they see us treat ourselves. Keep pressing on. 🙂