Alyx,

I am so sorry for your suffering, and can understand your troubled spirit. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy. Sometimes when we don’t have good coping skills, we fall quickly when stress gets loud. The brother in law, working with sexual assault victims, and other numerous stressors very naturally causes a decrease in our energy. Perhaps before falling into addiction again, you went through burnout, and in your seeking relief, it became a blowout. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Don’t be harsh with yourself, dear sister, there is no need. Buddha taught that we have a fundamental ignorance of how to find balance and joy. We’re born with a few instincts, and the rest we have to learn from parents and teachers, who often don’t know how to find balance themselves. For instance, perhaps if your dad had done things differently, you would have had stronger coping skills. Or, if his dad had done things differently, your dad would have been better prepared to connect to you skillfully. It really is a magical thing to accept our ignorance, and all the unskillful bullshit that comes from it, throw our hands in the air and scream “OK, well what now?”

That’s when we can be at peace with who we are, and stop beating ourselves up for our weaknesses, mistakes, or decisions that bring pain to ourselves and our loved ones. Its OK to sit, dear friend, and let it all untangle. Addiction is tough, and there is no need to settle that alone. For instance, imagine you and I are sitting in a room together. It would not be “alyx and her addiction sitting across from matt”. It would be Alyx and Matt, heart to heart, working at settling the addiction. You don’t want to be addicted, I don’t want you to be addicted, and thats plenty. That mutually shared desire is enough to let all the bullshit that accompanies your addiction to be more information, more components of what we both want to settle.

Said differently, sometimes when we’ve hurt people, they look at us as though we are the addiction. “Junky wife” does this and that. How harsh! But, they are in pain, so understandable. But that’s not you. You’re not a junky. You are strong, beautiful, and a radiant piece of nature… that is suffering with a common ailment, addiction. It doesn’t define you, just burdens you. So why in the world would our heart turn away from a dear sister because of a terrible and heavy burden she carries? That makes no sense!

In the same way, don’t turn away from yourself, don’t decide you are unlovable as is. That’s false, and just adds another layer of ick to the pile… and dear god, your shoulders carry enough already.

That being said, there is still the very real weight and allure of drugs. Consider for a moment a bright and sunny day, relaxing in an open field with birds and bunnies playing around us. In that space, the heart feels light, warmed, and we feel safe. Then, the allure is near absent, because we are in a state of peace inside. Then, back at the office with women’s stories of abuse, people bustling, phones ringing, the allure is stronger, a path of finding that light heartedness, bliss, escape… to stop all that stuff from bashing into us, causing painful emotions. What an easy thing to shoot up and bliss out! But at such a terrible cost.

Consider instead, that we can grow and maintain the lightness of heart independent of the environment we’re in. So, when we rest in the field, peace and birds and bunnies. When are at the office, peace and phones and stories. This opens up the space, helping the mind become smooth and rested.

We do this by self nurturing. Walking and feeding the birds is a great one, especially if you can manage some time on the grass in bare feet. My favorite is loving kindness meditation, which is perhaps one of the strongest generators of peaceful feelings inside us. Buddha taught that practicing metta (loving kindness) helps to reduce the impulses in the body very directly. For instance, perhaps when you think about what has happened while you were using, your mind becomes pained, full of agitation, self loathing. Metta reduces that, lightens that, so you can join me and look at the time you were using with deep compassion for Alyx. Consider “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube if interested.

Finally, I know how challenging it can be to remain patient with our struggles, especially when a lot of bad shit has happened. There’s no need to run and hide, no need to escape… just accept that you’ve been through some darkness… but for this breath, there is peace. This breath, there is Alyx, doing her best to put all the pieces together and grow a life of joy and contentment. That is the grace and beauty, in you, through you, and around you. Said differently, you’ve always been beautiful, dear sister, and always will be.

With warmth,
Matt