Dear Malakai:

It helps me to understand a member’s story better when I repeat it in my own words, so I will: you met a man five months ago, in August 2021, talked for more than a month, and got romantically involved with him in October 2021., not specifying or labeling what was going on between the two of you. A few weeks later, in October or November 2021, he started acting noticeably distant, like he didn’t even want to talk to you anymore, and he soon broke up with you, saying nothing more than that he could not reciprocate your feelings. Next, you happened to find out on social media that he has a girlfriend, and you cut him out of your social media. Currently, January 2022, you are going out with a colleague 0f yours.

The reason why my retelling of your story is so short compared to your original post is that I retold the facts only. In your original post, you shared about your subjective thoughts and feelings, but hardly any (1) Events: what actually took place? (2) Dialogue: what did he say, what did you then, how did he respond, etc.? (3) Descriptions of non-verbal interactions and communication: what did he actually do, what was his tone of voice and facial expressions when he said this or did that; what were yours?

Let’s look at the subjective happenings that you did describe, that is, your thoughts and feelings: he was “a man I’ve been waiting my whole life to meet… he was honestly exactly the type of person I always imagined myself with” – vague, you didn’t say anything about what kind of man/ the type of man that you have you been waiting your whole life to meet.

“Everything about him was fascinating to me” – “everything” is very vague; you did not identify what about him fascinated you, not a single thing.

“Seeing the way he acted around me, seeing the way he looked at me” – no details whatsoever in regard to how he acted around you and how he looked at you.

“He started being completely distant. It was completely out of the blue for me, it made absolutely no sense… I also don’t understand it” – maybe because you were not paying attention to the details, to what was actually happening, to the actual verbal and non-verbal interactions?

“I was shattered. Trying to piece myself together was as if I was trying to glue back together all the pieces to a smashed plate. I wrote poetry” – impressionistic poetry perhaps where you pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, aka your mental life, but you do not proceed to interpret what is happening in your actual life (“Impressionistic literature can basically be defined as when an author centers his story/attention on the character’s mental life such as the character’s impressions, feelings, sensations and emotions, rather than trying to interpret them”, Wikipedia)?

“Recently I have been going out with a colleague of mine, nothing serious, I don’t know if I can even exactly call them dates” -vague again: what went on between Aug and Nov 2021 with one guy was not specified or labeled, and what is going on with your colleague is also not specified.

“But I can see in the way he acts toward me that he may have more serious intentions towards me” – and again, no detail of a single way in which he acts toward you.

In regard to the first guy, you asked: “How could he seem so interested in me one day and be completely over it the next day?” – you are welcome to add details to the story (events, dialogue, non-verbal communication), and we can explore the answer to your question.

In regard to the colleague, you wrote: “As things were going so well for some reason I am back to thinking of my ex… I want to free myself of this… I’m so tired of missing him and wishing to see him again. If you’ve read this far thank you for listening to my venting. I don’t really have anybody I can talk to in my life about him and I truly need some advice/help” – you are very welcome. If you would like to add actual details to your story, please do. I am very curious about getting to know your story with an added actual reality element to it!

anita

Dear Malakai:

You are welcome. I am glad that you chose to provide details. I will try to use your details so to understand your story better. You shared that you are a very creative person who likes to draw and write, and your ex, unlike his peers, is not an “always football, pseudo-patriotism… art is not very appreciated” kind of a guy. Instead, he is a “motivated and passionate… an artist with a passion for art and a wish to pursue art“. The two of you shared the same interests: art, music, fashion and traveling. He was “funny and charming… gentle and caring… very considerate” even before you became romantically involved.

You shared that in the beginning you were the one who did a lot of the texting and the one who prompted the first date (after about a month of texting), but he followed suit by checking on you throughout the day and initiating “almost every first move” in the relationship. The moves he initiated were (1) the second and a few more “pretty simple (dates)… going out for tea/ coffee” where the two of you were “just getting to know each other… tell each other stories“, over the course of a few weeks, (2) one dinner date, a dinner date that was the first and the last: “our last date being more ‘grand’… going out to a nice restaurant for dinner and going for a walk afterwards… he was acting completely normal…. we talked, we laughed, had fun“.

Following that one dinner date, on the same night, the two of you planned to see each other three days later (he suggested that the two of you will watch ballet the following weekend). He texted you the next day as usual, less the day after and not at all the following day. Sometime later, he broke up with you, saying that he can’t reciprocate your feelings.

“How could he seem so interested in me one day and be completely over it the next day? …whenever he looked at me, I felt like he saw only me. It was as if him and I were the only people in the world, his attention was all on me when we were together. The last time we saw each other I remember feeling a difference in the way he kissed me, I felt…  like it has a certain longing, a certain want for me to it…  he always acted like he wanted to be with me and wanted to spend time with me, so it still completely confuses me” –

– My thoughts: (1) It was not yet a relationship. It was a lot of texting, a few tea/ coffee dates and one dinner date, it was a pre-relationship phase that ended before it evolved into a relationship, (2) The reason the dinner date was the first and last could be something as simple as this: let’s say he doesn’t like to spend money unnecessarily. Texting cost him nothing, the coffee/ tea dates cost him very little, but the dinner date was expensive. Maybe he expected you to pay half of the dinner bill (or all) and you didn’t, and he didn’t feel comfortable about having paid the whole bill and about paying for future, expensive dates, so he broke up with you,

(3) When he looked at you, you felt like he saw only you, that his attention was all on you when you were together- that could be his style, and not an indication that he felt that you were very special to him. Some people are attentive, “motivated and passionate… funny and charming“(like your ex), and it does make the people attended to feel special and they feel captivated by the person’s charm: this is how successful politicians get millions of people to vote for them- by attending to the voters’ interests, likes and dislikes, speaking with passion, using humor and being charming!

(4) When he kissed you the last time, you felt like the kiss had a certain longing to it: maybe you confused your longing with his, believing (as is so very common for young women, at least, it used to be) that your emotional longing is equally reciprocated. But it may be that he did long for you, but later, when he looked at that restaurant bill, the longing dissipated.

Regarding your colleague: “It all started with him driving me home… he acts gentlemanly, opening doors for me, treating me to lunch… To me these are clear signs he has some kind of feelings towards me, but he never has stated his real intentions, maybe only vaguely hinted at them before but nothing more” – you can ask him: what do you feel about me, or for me? Do you intend to have a relationship with me?

Maybe he has a girlfriend, but is gentlemanly with all women, maybe he enjoys taking women from work out to lunch, I mean, better not go by signs (“these are clear signs“), and instead, ask.

anita

Dear Malakai:

You are welcome. “I do admit I had yet to get to know him well” – and I know him, through your posts, even less. But I always found it interesting to guess and explore different possibilities when it comes to people’s motivations, so I am okay exploring with you, if you are interested.

About his kisses: “before that date his kisses were more on the soft and gentle side, whereas after that dinner date they were more insistent” – could be something to do with the food he had at the restaurant, or maybe he had wine with dinner (favorite food alter our mood for the better, alcohol lessen inhibitions… and/ or it could be the lateness of the hour, maybe he was out with you that night later than usual?

anita

Dear Malakai:

Good, we can explore together. He had spicy food during dinner, online: “Spicy foods increases men’s sex drive [Very well mind] Those who want to have more stamina and sex drive should include a couple of spicy foods in their diet. Found in hot sauce and chili peppers, capsaicin triggers the release of endorphins the ‘feel good’ hormone and can increase your libido”.

When it gets to be late at night, close to our bedtime, endorphins are released as well, so an increase in his endorphin level could explain his kisses being more insistent. Any other… insistent behavior on his part, that night?

anita

Dear Malakai:

I am glad to read that he was not more insistent than kissing. Maybe it means that he is a decent person, careful about not hurting a woman… maybe this is one reason why it was easy for him (or so it seems) to break up with you, maybe he figured that he didn’t do anything to get you too emotionally attached to him?

anita

Dear Malakai:

Could be, that he felt that you were getting “too emotionally invested in him“. His own words, translated, will probably be of great help for me, for the purpose of understanding him, so yes, please do send the exchange. Also, if you know anything about his relationships with his mother, father, anything about his childhood (be as vague as you need to be, so to not hurt his privacy, be it that this is a public forum), that could be helpful too.

anita

Dear Malakai:

Reads to me that basically, he a decent young man- that he is honest. But of course, no one is 100% honest, 100% of the time. Like you suspected, likely he lied when he said No to your question about whether there was somebody else. Maybe he figured: why hurt your feelings further, when there is no practical reason for you to know that there was somebody else.

Here is a possibility, and it’s only a possibility based on the very limited information I have about him: his father has traveled a lot, he stayed home with his mother and sister and was the man in the house, from an early age. He felt that the females in the household depended on him for emotional support, he tried to provide that to them, but got very tired of that role, feeling burdened it, like it was heavy weight on his shoulders.

Fast forward, he meets a woman (you) who seems to be needy of him, similar to how his mother and sister needed him, he feels burdened, like there is a heavy weight on his shoulders, so he unburdens himself by losing his feelings for you and wanting out of the situation (breaking up with you). A possibility, in your mind?

anita