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After Getting Back Together… Unsure If I See a Future with Him

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • February 17, 2014 at 11:49 pm #51240
    alex
    Participant

    Hi guys, thanks for any feedback ahead of time.

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 2 and a half years now. We started dating after a short amount of time getting to know each other, but we had a great relationship for the first year. Slowly but surely, things went sour. I found him liking pictures of other girls, and a few other shady things within the same time that broke the trust I had in him. I became needy and jealous, and neither of us were happy. A few days after my birthday, he decided to break things off with me. While I can see it was necessary now, it came out of left field and absolutely destroyed me. He kept all his feelings to himself, and I never saw it coming. For a few weeks, I just couldn’t function. I even begged him to change his mind (cringe-worthy).

    Here’s the kicker; the day after we broke up, he texted me… “This doesn’t feel right”. Here I am, the kind of person that looks at a break up as something final, and then I receive a text like that. So I went back and forth for a while, trying to accept the break up, while never forgetting that single text. I often tried to get in touch with him and he wouldn’t reply until hours later, or he simply wouldn’t reply at all. After all the games, I ran into him in between classes and he smiled at me, but I walked past him. It felt like a bullet, but I couldn’t pretend to be friendly when I wasn’t ready to be. Anyway, long story short (sorry), I drove over to pick up the last of my things from his house to finally get some closure, and he ended up crying his eyes out to me about how it was a huge mistake to end our relationship, how he wants a future with me, and how he’d do anything do everything in his power to be a better boyfriend.

    I’ve been here before, but after a process of slowly becoming friends again and having time for myself, I knew I’d have to give the relationship a second shot or I would regret it in the future. So we got back together about six months ago, and he’s stuck to his word. He’s less selfish, he treats me better, he makes time for me, etc. Overall we haven’t had any significant fights. To him, everything is perfect.

    However, I still have my reservations. I promised to never let myself get hurt by someone like that again; that I would always be independent, and always remain in control. So since we’ve gotten back together, I’ve had one foot out the door, ready to bolt at any sign of a problem. I don’t trust him (I do want to), I don’t text him much anymore, I don’t want to talk about him to my friends or family, I don’t want to post any pictures of us or him, and I don’t like to think of any future plans involving him. When we’re together, I’m happy. When we spend time together, I tell him I love him all the time and we have a good time together… But when we’re apart, I get to thinking and I don’t think positive thoughts about him or our relationship anymore.

    How can I change this or change my perspective? My mindset has totally changed and I no longer see him as my perfect boyfriend like I did during our first year together. I only had positive things to say about him in the past, and now when people ask how my relationship is going, I can’t honestly answer “Great!”, even if we are happy when we’re together. I don’t want to hold the past against him, but he talks about a future together (from his mouth), and I’m still hurt, confused, and guarded. I don’t know if I can move past it or if I should leave the relationship in the past. Do we have too many negative experiences together to move forward, or should I keep working at it? If you’re in a relationship, you should be able to see some kind of future together, right?

    Help! I’d love some advice. I’m all over the place, as you can see.

    February 18, 2014 at 6:57 am #51249
    Al
    Participant

    Hi Alex,

    I can relate. Let me start there. It’s like you can’t figure out what is real and what is fake. It’s like you don’t trust yourself. I can’t really advise you as I don’t have the answer to your dilemma. What I know for sure is that you must seek happiness for yourself and be ok with letting others do the same. This life is only ours to live. What your boyfriend does, in many respects, is not up to you. You only need to put your focus on your own happiness. I do believe when you do that, you won’t have to intellectualize how you should proceed. It will happen naturally. I think it requires that we live in the moment and accept that we cannot control what the future holds. If you are happy today with your boyfriend, and your needs are being met, then that is your answer. If you are unhappy in this moment, you must discover what makes you happy (content) and move in that direction. Real love is wanting happiness for others regardless of how you fit into that picture. Let the pieces fall where they may. I’ve got to learn not to be unset by the reality of the situation or to be afraid. My happiness is the most important aspect of my life. I hope this helps you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. All I can offer you is my sincere hope that you find your happiness. As I write it, I am taking my own advice. It’s hard. It’s uncertain. I think it’s the only way to be whole. The way forward for me is to spend some time alone – unencumbered by other’s opinions so that I can get centered and figure out what makes me happy. Once I do that, I can be in relationships as an equal partner. One baby step at a time….

    Al

    February 18, 2014 at 8:04 am #51255
    Nicole
    Participant

    I am in a very similar situation right now. My boyfriend and I broke up after 2 years. He dumped me because he said we weren’t right for each other and he wasn’t happy. A few weeks later, after we had both been with other people and I had tried multiple times to get him to give me another chance, he wanted to give me another chance. Lol. I said yes, and then a few months later he proposed to me. I’m only 19 and it was in front of a group of people; part of me wanted to say no but I couldn’t. So we were engaged. My boyfriend is a very possessive, jealous, and insecure person and he began to yell at me every couple of weeks for what happened when we were apart even though he did the same thing and he was the one who broke up with me. I finally got sick of being treated like dirt 75% of the time and I dumped him. Two days later he called me crying begging for me back and told me he would change and would change his lifestyle to fit mine. But things don’t feel right now that we are back together. I don’t want him to have to change for me. I want to see the world, he hates traveling. Things like this just make me wonder whether he is the right fit for me. I’m happy when I’m with him, like you are with your boyfriend. When we are apart I have doubts, just like you. I’m also ready to leave him at any sign of him returning to his old self, like you.

    As Al said, OUR happiness is what’s most important. Not to say our boyfriend’s aren’t, it’s a catch 22 really. But anyways, you need to sit and think about what you want. Get some time away from him so you can really just let your emotions sink in. This is what I’m going to do because I am in the same situation. Life is so short and there is so much to do, and if you can’t see a future with someone should you waste your time and theirs anymore? It’s not so easy to answer or take action on, I know. Our gut usually knows what is right, and if it is telling you that you would be happier being more of an individual and not being “tied down” by someone then maybe you already know the answer.
    My neighbor told me before I broke up with my boyfriend that I didn’t have to do it right then, that I have time to think and decide what I want. You have time. Think hard on it and do what is best for you. If you end up being able to see a future with him and being happy then stay! If not, you have to decide what to do. Love yourself and put yourself first!

    If you need someone to talk to or need advice I am here!

    Namaste,

    Nicole

    February 19, 2014 at 10:48 pm #51418
    alex
    Participant

    Hi Nicole! Thanks for your response. I’m glad you can relate. After the sudden breakup, I was in a pretty bad place. But after a little bit of time, I realized I couldn’t blame him and I couldn’t blame myself. We both were unhappy without a doubt. We had been together for so long and we spent so much time together that I forgot all the things I liked doing and all my needs. I literally had to ask myself, what do I need from a relationship again? I had time to realize that I would be okay with or without him (a big deal for me), and I think that realization added to my distant nature when getting back into the relationship.

    It’s been hard, trying to balance being 100% in the relationship while remembering our past, and noticing the many differences in our personalities. Before, I thought he was too good for me. I thought I was doing something wrong, and of course I made mistakes, but I’ve gained self-confidence. I just have to make a choice… We’re happy when we’re together and we’ve had a great time, but our differences might be a deal breaker. I don’t want to make a mistake and end this relationship for good, especially when I haven’t fully gotten over the past & may just be overthinking things.

    I’m thinking about going with the flow to see how I feel with some time. Just wish things weren’t complicated! Lol

    February 20, 2014 at 6:52 pm #51481
    Nicole
    Participant

    I know how you feel lol. I wish things weren’t complicated either but as humans we just have a habit of making things that way.
    Just don’t settle, keep feeling it out and if you continue to have doubts in the next few months I would say that’s your gut telling you it’s not for you, but that’s for you to decide. I think that’s what I’m going to do.

    And I definitely understand the bit about forgetting your needs and the things you like doing! A lot. I had forgotten that too until recently. I really enjoy painting and drawing and I hadn’t done it in almost a year or year and a half because I was so wrapped up in the relationship, work and school.
    Also you are on point with realizing you can live without him. Break ups are so painful but life goes on. As we get older and time goes on we realize what we need from our significant other more than we did before. It kind of sucks realizing it and already being in a relationship lol.

    Hope things are going well!

    Nicole

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