Hi Anita,

Sorry for the late reply.

Thank you, thank you for explaining those things to me, and thank you for tried to understand me, I really appreciate it 🙂

It’s helping me to understand myself, and helping me to stop blaming myself, also not being too hard to myself.

Right now, I feel more a bit accepting for things that already happened, I told myself every single day in front of the mirror, convincing myself, to stop trying to explain, or do anything to make everything better, because it’s gonna be useless. I told myself, after you came to her apartment without even telling her and if she sees you as a bad person, let her be, what’s matter is you know yourself, inside of you, that you don’t want to hurt her or anyone, you just want to fix things, you just want to talk, to make everything less awkward, if she refused to understand let her be, don’t try too hard and hurting yourself, let everything go. Even it’s hard to do, I kept telling myself those things.

But the thing is I’m afraid to see new people, I used to be so excited to meet new acquaintances but now, not anymore. I even distanced myself from my friends, from people that I used to talk, almost a month I never meet my friends that I used to meet, it’s because I’m concerned my friends gonna ask what happened to me, I’m concerned I couldn’t hide how broke is my heart right now, and I don’t want that. I used to be a clown, who always laugh and never being sad in front of others.

And about my life, everything is stable from the outside, but deep inside of me complicated, but I thank God because He keeping me healthy, I’m 24 years old this year, and I’m working as a developer, I’ve been living far away from my parents since I was 14 years old, because of school but I was with my older sister, then 2015 until in the middle 2018 I lived alone, I live with my roommate since last June 2018, and this my first time living with someone else, at first was weird, we weren’t even close back then, my roommate is a friend of my friend, I don’t know if this kind of a good thing or the opposite but since I lived with my roommate I’ve never cried and done my best to ignore everything I felt and just buried everything I felt, inside. Just because I don’t like being sad in front of others, not even in front of my friends or even my roommate, so I used to cover it with teasing them, making a joke and made them laughed. Seeing people laugh or making people laugh bring happiness to me, but as soon as they gone or I’m alone, I’m gonna be sad, again.

But because of what happened to me this early January, I’m planning to move and back to my path, living with myself, the other reason is I never comfortable to live with someone else, I agreed when my roommate asked because I have a problem to say no, I always want to please people and that’s also my problem. And another reason why I want to live alone because I want to stay away from people that I used to know and I just want to work and focus with myself and no one around, friends or anyone. I don’t know if this gonna bring the peace that I really wanted since a long time ago. Because I believe people will go, people are temporary and the only one who’s not gonna leave me is myself. So I have to make myself happy without the people that I used to know. I want to start everything new, and since seeing others laugh gonna make me happy, I’ll just make strangers laugh, without even let them in or even know my personal life, so then there’s no temporary, no leaving, no goodbyes. I sound so confusing, I know, I’m sorry.

I’m nomadic person, so Oct 2017 was the first time I’m moving with myself in a new city that I’ve never been before, the reason why I love to meet people because I thought I need friends to hang out with, I love to make friends, to meet new people, but I have no close friends, I’m not that really close with my family too, but the relationship between us is good, I just never told my personal problems, I kept them inside with myself.

And for writing a lot, I’m sorry. Thank you for reading my story 🙂

with love,

unknown86

Dear Anita,

Thank you 🙂

I’m sorry for the late reply

I know, but the idea of people are temporary scared me :/ I really need to learn how to accept things

It’s correct, but I do trust my family to love me, I just don’t trust that my family will listen to me, it’s bad I know because I don’t trust my family. But I have the reason, and one of them is the last time when I told my mom and my older sister that I don’t want to go to my auntie’s house cause my auntie’s gonna verbally abuse me and force me to wear clothes that I won’t, they refused to listen to me, my older sister even told me that if I don’t go to my auntie’s house that means I don’t love my mother :/
First of all, I could say those things because I always stayed in my uncle and auntie’s house in 3 or 5 days, I always visited them before I went to my hometown on a holiday.

So then after my sister told me that if I don’t go that means I don’t love my mom so I went to my auntie’s house for 5 months ++, I liked to call myself, I was living alone at that time because no one really cares about me there, I never talked about how my auntie and my cousin verbally abused me every single day when I was there, wanted me to change to be a feminine, they always blamed me for a little thing, and funny but they even chose a soap for me, cause mine they said smells like a man soap, but it was a smell of strawberry soap, I still have the package, but they forced me to buy a new soap, so I bought a new one, as they wished, sometimes they even offered me an expired cake and I ate them. I wouldn’t ask others to eat foods or anything if I refused to eat it, why they did that to me?

My auntie talked about my mom behind her back, how bad she is as a parent etc. I kept it with myself because I didn’t want my mom hurting because I was hurting when I heard that. My auntie knows nothing about my mom. I was so stressful.
So I took sleeping pills so then at least it would help me to feel peace because sleep was the only way to escape even I had to sleep sitting, and I almost killed myself but failed because my cousin caught me on the rooftop and asked me to go inside, but she didn’t know I was crying because I covered it with making some jokes when I was walking downstairs. But then after 2 hours sitting, I went out, I walked with uncertain directions, I convinced myself maybe if I die suffering my mom and my older sister would believe me, that I wasn’t trying to lie when I refused to go to my auntie’s house. But then I changed my mind because I won’t leave a scar in my mom’s heart, I won’t leave a trauma, and I was concerned about what my younger brothers and sister will think about me if I die this way, they’ll see me in a different way and I don’t want that.

Until Eid Mubarak, I got a reason to come home. But that time my auntie would never let me go home even when I want to celebrate my birthday with my family after 6 years I’ve lost my chance. And I don’t have the power either to against her because I respect her as an older woman. So I need to wait until a week before Eid Mubarak.
But they and my family surprised me and celebrated my birthday, I was happy but it wasn’t a real happy but I thank them.
It happened 2 weeks after I attempted to suicide.

When I came home, I was so skinny, I looked like a homeless, and my mom sad, she cried. After 3 weeks staying home, my auntie called me and asked me to come back, I refused to come, but my mom insisted me. I tried to talk in a calm way, but nothing help, so then I’m starting to tell what happened to me, but never tell her about I attempted to suicide. Because I knew it will make my mom worried about me.

My older sister suggested to don’t listen what my auntie’s gonna say, I was upset because I was the one there and she wasn’t.

Short story, I have two older sisters, one married to a man that my whole family refused to accept, and my mom also my older sister afraid that I’ll do the same. While the fact I have no interest with men but my family know nothing about it.

There was a time when I tried to convince my mom, I remembered when she asked me
“you didn’t get hurt wearing Bakiak (it’s a wooden clog) every single day and running away with it?”
I said “it’s me, the only one who wears and feels it, people might think that I’m hurting myself but they don’t know that I’m not if I’m happy it doesn’t matter to me”

I kept showering my mom that I would be okay, I told her every morning about what I really want, like living with myself again, having a job etc

But it didn’t help, my mom still worried about me. So then, I turned to be childish, I refused to eat and refused to pray. I didn’t even talk to my mom, and I regretted it. I meant I used to asked a morning smile to my mom because when I studied I never get that, and then all of sudden I had to stop to talk and being cold, it was hurtful but I have no option to convince her, because it’s almost 3 months I stuck and stayed after came back from my auntie’s house, she didn’t let me go, and I couldn’t go without my mom’s permission.

The only thing that I want that time is freedom and I don’t want to be a burden, my mom’s burden, because I have responsibility for myself, and I don’t want my mom to take the responsibility of me because it’s a shame for me. I want to be an independent woman.
—————————————————————————————————————————
Sorry for the long story but that story is the strongest reason why I don’t trust my family.
And about things that my auntie and my cousin did to me, it was and still hurt until today, I really need to learn how to forgive others and just forget what already happened to me.

And about my roommate, I’ve never told her because there was a time when I asked her, once, it’s about a question that she said normally people wouldn’t ask, so I never asked not even to share anything to her. I used to be laughed and never confused or being weak in front of her, so it would be weird if all of sudden I’m being silent. Because she thought the same too.

And about my name, my name is Nadia, sorry for being an unknown, I was insecure :/

I just learned from the elder, do not tell your problems so they wouldn’t be worried about you and not gonna get sick, especially my mom. And people around me used to see me as someone who always laughs, never sad in front of them, make jokes, sometimes corny jokes, so I began to refuse to show the other side of me and began to hate the weakness and the vulnerable side of me.

When my dad was sick my family never told me about it until my dad took his last breath, in 2011, I was shocked, I lived far away and know nothing about it. And the reason why my family refused to tell me because so then I can be concentrated with my school and not getting worried :/

I know my mom loves me, I just don’t trust that my mom will listen to me.
Once I’ve told my mom when I lost control and couldn’t handle my own burden, August last year, I told her that I was tired of work life, my mom offered me to come home and stop working, just live with her. But I just can’t, I don’t want to be a burden. And I regretted it for telling her that I was tired of work life.

I wish that I can find that person, but right now I’ll just stay away from the people that I used to know, and focus with myself, learning to understand myself, healing myself, questioning what’s wrong with me, what things that I need to change, that I need to fix, maybe that would help me. And this time I wouldn’t ignore and bury it with looking some distractions out there.

Anita, I honestly miss seeing my friends but I can’t just see them because I have to deal with myself first. It’s a month already.
But just now, it’s 1st Feb, 8:48 PM already here hehe, my friends asked to meet this weekend, I’m not ready, but I’ll just meet them, next week.

Oh, Anita, last Monday, I came to see a psychologist, I told her some of my problems but it was blurry cause I was uncomfortable, and it was so awkward for me, she told me that I have to do self-talk, often, and write it, like having a conversation, to help me to recognize myself.
She asked me to do mmm I forgot what’s the name, but I’ll just give the example when I’m sad what thing that could help me to less being sad. I told her seeing strangers doing their things on the train or bus, so then I would realize that the only people who have a problem is not only me and I’ll start to think that maybe they have a big problem too. Some people used to eat a lot of foods but that’s not an effective way. Mm, it’s like how to cope with your stress by finding things that make you comfortable without even create another problem.

Before I went to a psychologist I did self-talk every single day but I didn’t write it, I did it in front of the mirror, convincing myself that today is gonna be a great day, and to stop worrying or insecure about anything. Sometimes when the negative thoughts came, I suddenly jumped and said something good haha it’s funny I know talking to yourself in front of the mirror but sometimes it helps me.

Btw, about suicidal thoughts or attempt to suicide, I can make sure that it would never happen. I want to live longer and seeing my younger siblings grow up, I can’t wait for this June, I’m gonna meet my younger siblings, they also live far away from home cause of school, so I can’t see them unless on their holiday, and having a smartphone didn’t help because their school didn’t let the student bring a smartphone, they also live in a dorm but I called them on their holiday last December.

My younger sister grew up so fast, she is taller than me, she is so beautiful and when I video called her, she seemed healthy and happy, I made a joke and sometimes did funny face and then she laughed, it was so relaxing seeing her laughed, and my younger brother, he likes sport, so he got the hot body, I sometimes couldn’t believe that he actually in his second semester, because when I left home for school, he was only 10 years old.
Oh, I called my mom last 2 days, she remembered my birthday and she told me that finally I’m gonna be home on my birthday. I wish that day gonna come true, that I can celebrate my birthday with my family, I just want to pray around them on my birthday, when I was a child, we used to pray and eat foods together to celebrate our birthday and it’s something that I found important. I wish we all have a long live aamiiin
The strong reason why I want to stay alive is my family especially my younger siblings, I love them so much

I’m sorry for being so random and telling so many stories here.
Thank you for reading my story 🙂

with love,
Nadia

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by unknown86.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by unknown86.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by unknown86.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by unknown86.

Dear Anita, it’s been 2 years since I shared my truth here, how are you?

I took some time away, to talk with myself frequently, to understand myself better, and I’m feeling much better 🙂

and about my family, everything is much better now, I realized communicate is the best way,
I’ve been talking to my family, to my mom and my older sister, from heart to heart, softly without even blaming them, without even raising my tones, they understand me, it feels really good when my fam understand me, when my fam supports me, I’m so happy my mom considered to talk before asking me to do things, I’m so happy because how I am feeling is matter to my mom and my sister too, I’m so happy because now they listening to me too 🙂

and about living with my auntie, I didn’t live with them anymore, I’ve been living with myself, and I’m so happy I can be anything I want, I can wear anything I want 🙂

the motivation was my older sister (the different one with the first one that I’m talking about), she hurt my mom and broke her trusts, and my mom afraid that she’s gonna lose me too, so she didn’t let me to stay alone. I saw my mom crying that time, and it was so hurt knowing my mom’s getting hurt, so I didn’t want to hurt her too, that time I didn’t know the way to make her to trust me

thank you for reading my story

with so much happiness,

Nadia