hello Anita! Thank you so much for your response.

Yes, I did not have a romantic relationship until I was about 18. I fantasized about them definitely, which may equate to the many high expectations/assumptions I make about relationships now, often leading me to be nit-picky or quickly disappointed. As for my family, I was either teased very much about being too sensitive, leading me to push people away, or given very big responsibilities. As an adult, it was often the reason I left most relationships as well (did not want to have to worry/take care of an SO, they were too emotionally draining, was too busy to maintain a relationship, very used to being independent and only caring for myself), and therefore only kept things strictly casual. My parents are also divorced. It does not upset me, but seeing how my mother always talks about making the wrong decision “from the very beginning” definitely makes me extremely anxious about my own relationships, and commitment. I always fear doing the “wrong” thing, as to why I feel that I need to constantly satisfy an SO to make sure they like me. Men also intimidate me (verbal and sexual trauma) so I can struggle with confidence a bit.

no relationships have ever lasted more than 6 months. i think this may also be a gut reaction from my past, putting myself in flight-fight mode. it is hard for me to believe anything will last longer, and if it does, i get even more scared that the longer it lasts, the more i will be hurt if we break up.

Hi Anita!

i think I had a pleasant childhood, good parents and siblings, but I was always very insecure in how I compared myself to my older and younger sister. I often got jealous of the attention I did not get, that maybe started around 12 years old. Also did not have many friends in middle school, and high school I had a very large group of friends, and hung out with them every single day. I was suddenly extremely alone in college, and became very dependent on having company. Which is a bit confusing for me to understand, since I often pushed people away (mostly because I feel like a burden to people when I am depressed/upset). I gained a lot of self confidence by being on my own throughout those years. I also completely avoided any serious relationship in the past 3 years, due to never wanting to experience an awful breakup again. Although I experienced a few anyway, and reflected on them in an optimistic way, I was also happy deep down. Boyfriends I spend too much time with, and end up getting annoyed or bored very easily. With my current boyfriend, I hadn’t felt so comfortable and confident with someone in such a long time, but I suddenly felt insecure and annoyed again. In reality, I would not care if we broke up (I don’t feel like I need a man to enhance my happiness), but I want to share my life with him. Im just not sure how to do it without constantly feeling overwhelmed with the “serious and committed” label put on it, and how to stop being scared of feeling guilty about disappointing people. I also do not have too many hobbies or friends, so a part of me wants to push him away so I don’t depend on him for happiness, while another part of me wants him and to do other things.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by GC.

from what I remember, yes i felt like that a lot at times. I never thought too much of my childhood in the context of my relationships. I know I have an avoidant anxious attachment style, yet even that is a little confusing to understand yet. A part of me also feels silly, like I’m making excuses about my relationship by diving so much into my past, when the answer could just be right in front of me. If it can work out between us, I’m also just scared of how I will be able to maintain both a relationship and intense self exploration. So many people say you should be single to find yourself out, but I would like to grow with him.

yes exactly. I have started to see unhealthy patterns I perform in any relationship, but since there is so much anxiety attached to him now (due to the recurring thoughts/actions) it is so extremely hard to tell if my feelings of numbness or anxiety have to do with our compatibility (which has always been good, so can’t see why that would change overnight? although we did move quite fast in the beginning) or because I simply cannot heal well from my mental health. I also cannot tell if romantic relationships are the cause of my anxiety, and I’m just destined to be single (a fear that debilitates me — I do not fear being alone, but not being able to ever get married and have kids).

I dealt with these issues for about 3 weeks, then once I found myself spending more time with friends as well, and doing very fun things with my boyfriend, i had felt back to normal for 2 weeks. Yet when we had another fight again, concerning my anxiety (him being upset that I kept pushing/pulling him), I have not been well since then. Arguments do not make me uncomfortable, and me and him are good at solving issues. Although, the feeling that my mental health is a burden on our relationship has been forcing me to believe that I should not be in one, that maybe I’m not ready to face myself by being in one, and he does not deserve to deal with my up and down moods.

yes anita, that is exactly what happens! thank you so much for all of your insight. I will definitely discuss it more with my therapist. hopefully as I progress in therapy, my relationship will benefit from it as well. if not, and I find myself thinking it is simply not a right fit, I can move on 🙂

i also experienced a very bad depressive episode about 2 months ago — had no interest in everyone and everything. i expected my boyfriend to make me feel better, but nothing helped. I pinned a lot of it on him, I believe. Dating and relationships have caused me a lot of distress/depression in the past, so that is probably why I did that instinctively. hopefully I can work through it!