Hi Che, my heart goes out to you. I have had a similar relationship( or “ship” as I always called it, cause I feel I have been sinking ever since) for the past 5 years but we have only became a couple last year. Same obsessions ect but I made the choice to clean myself fror it 3 months ago and up until this weekend I have stuck to it. This weekend say the return of the sneaky text…you know the ones I mean! I do believe I will always love him but I had to break away from it and start loving myself. The anger has quietened down inside me now and this is the tricky time cause once I have forgiven I start missing him again. I am treating the breakaway as if giving up cigerettes, ie very difficult but gets easier every day and the health benefits outweigh the perks. Keep reading inspirational blogs everyday , exercise and love yourself. x

Che,

Whew! I really love how your words capture your point of view, the pain, the chaos, the love, all pouring out of your heart and mind through your words. You have quite a talent! I’m sorry for the difficulty your experiencing, but don’t despair… there is always a path to joy.

It seems there are a few pieces to untangle, so let’s get started! First, I’m sorry to say, you are normal, ordinary, and not as dramatic a case as your head makes you out to be. You fell in love. What you did with that love is both inspiring and foolish, but romantic spirits follow their feelings. This is actually quite impressive! Moving for love, letting go of your job and home to move closer to the one you love… these are amazing! You beat yourself up over it, but I reject that. Outright. Sure, you’ve done dumb things, but jumping off the cliff after the feeling is not one of them… that was proof of your intrepidity and/or courage.

What its grown into is a bit of a monster, however. Sometimes our love can inspire a future dream, which can be very alluring. In the present moment, we are lonely, sad. In the fantasy, we are happy and secure. This makes us wish to stay in the dream rather than facing up to the truth of what is around us. In this case, it seems like in your fantasy the love is returned, and in the present, it is not. This is so painful that you try to avoid it by staying in your dream. So instead of owning your feelings and being honest and open with him, you created a fake personality who was “cool” and “supportive” and “indifferent” and so on. This is very draining to our energy and becomes painful… we are unloved because we are not vulnerable enough to grow it.

The pain in your heart is only there to make you alert. By ignoring it, you’ve stopped self nurturing, which leaves your heart empty and craving. Said differently, our partner doesn’t ever fulfill us, or if they do, the connection becomes unhealthy quickly. The solution for this puzzle is to bring our attention back into the present moment, confront our painful emptiness, and cultivate self love.

See, the Che I see is very different than the Che you see. I see a brave girl, diligent and hopeful, full of potential and skill, yet burdened with ignorance with what to do with her energy. You see a broken and pathetic addict. Neither one of us is “wrong”… its that each of our views is influenced by our past decisions. Where you spend time absorbed in the dream, I spend time on a cushion letting go. This gives me the space to see a balanced view of a person, with both skillful and unskillful patterns present, but not sweeping me into seeing those patterns as permanent or equal to the person. Because you spend time absorbed in the dream, your view is a tense comparison between “what is” and “what is wished”.

So, quitting the drug is not quitting him, but quitting the dream. When you fall into patterns of fantasy, get your butt on a cushion and practice meditation. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great series on YouTube which includes a counting breath meditation that helps an agitated mind find some concentration. If that doesn’t work for you, consider a zen practice of counting heartbeats. The goal is to recognize that your mind is pulling you into the fantasy, and removing your attention from the present moment. This is like a person who is so hungry they shut their eyes, which prevents them from seeing the delectable feast all around them.

Finally, there seems to be a lot of self loathing in your self view. This is both painful and stupid. You’re one of millions of girls who act like you have. Every one of them deserves love, and is not broken or helpless. So, drop it. Instead, realize that you’ve neglected your heart, and so stop neglecting it. As Sammy nurturingly said, love yourself. If you can see that the old pattern didn’t work for you, and left you with an icky view of yourself, perhaps you can let go and try something different.

Perhaps you could go for a walk in nature and try to see the trees, the animals, the bugs, the flowers. Barefoot would be even better! Or, take a bath and spend time massaging and saying nice things to your body. Perhaps you could write a page full of your desires, which have nothing to do with anyone except yourself. What you would like to see as the qualities inside yourself that seem missing or quiet in this moment. Do some activities that are kind for yourself. If you don’t feel better afterward, do another! It will take time and effort, but its pretty clear that when Che wants something, there is almost no end to the creativity and inspiration to see it through. Good luck!

With warmth,
Matt