Hi Anita, thank you for responding! I actually forgot about that post. I do see very similar parallels though.

Regarding the situation of G and L, G and I spoke more about solutions that would benefit everyone. It turned out her problem wasn’t with me as much as it was with L, but she struggled to confront her on it. G thinks I am easier to talk to because I don’t blame anyone or make anyone feel bad for feeling certain ways so she felt more comfortable talking to me about it. Our group friendship did not last, but I still keep in touch with G and L actually went MIA on both of us – has not spoken to either of us since the pandemic started.

I do feel my situation with Amanda is slightly different. I don’t think she feels left out, but I sense a lot of anger when I take a day or two to text back and she shows some signs of gaslighting, such as: vague accusations that I am not living up to her expectations (even though she never told me these expectations), making me feel responsible for her feelings and thoughts, put me down publicly every time I don’t text back right away (posting things on social media then removing them after I text her back)… I don’t necessarily want the friendship to end because she is a very good person. I know she has a good heart. I just don’t like this cycle we’re in. The more I think about it, the more I feel we’re toxic for each other and I don’t know if that’s something that can be fixed or not.

Hi Anita, I don’t like to hear that my actions upset others that I care deeply about. Those are never my intentions so it hurts me to hear when I’ve done that to someone. So it makes me question if I’m doing the right thing or not so that’s when I start to feel guilty or toxic. I’m conflicted mainly in this scenario because none of my other friends have an issue with this – in fact, all my friends take social media and texting breaks more often than I do. I think the difference might be that even when we don’t text often, we can call and ask each other to come over or go out and do something together. I don’t have that option with Amanda since she is a 7-8 hour drive away. When I mentioned we are being toxic to each other, I am taking it that my boundaries are coming off toxic based on her definition of what I’m doing. Other than this issue, she is a good person and makes me feel supported and good about myself. Only when I input these boundaries does this bring out another side to her which makes me wonder if I’m going about my boundaries all wrong.

Hi Anita, I should add: we met in person twice. Once in July when her daughter had a dance competition at a casino that is an hour and 10 minutes away from me. The second time I invited her up around Halloween – I live near Boston so Salem is an attractive place to visit during this time and Amanda LOVES Halloween. So we have actually met at this point, but the rest of our friendship is mostly virtual because she lives several states away.

We connect on a spiritual level – we are both learning so much about ourselves and the universe and to find a path to peace and clarity. We share a lot of the same outlooks and emotions on many topics of conversation. She also is very attentive to what I have to say and always helps me through my anxiety. I feel I have a deep connection with her and that is what makes it challenging to just cut the chord on this friendship. But then I have moments where I can’t see this friendship lasting, especially since I have to explain myself to her every time I don’t respond timely to her messages. I feel I have to explain myself because she gets defensive and almost offended by my actions and the tension starts to rise. I feel I owe her an explanation to resolve any potential fight that’s about to happen, but it never helps. The fact we had a conversation about it more than once tells me she doesn’t truly understand and I don’t know how else to explain that to her.

Hi Anita, that also makes sense and was not something I considered previously. I truly appreciate your perspective!

I do have a different texting relationship with her compared to every other friend. Because I don’t see her in person except for those two occasions, I have more in-depth and novel-like conversations with her. Because I have the ability to see my boyfriend and other friends any time I please, we reserve any in-depth conversations for when we get together. I will be honest with you Anita, some days I just don’t have the energy or emotional capacity to engage in a meaningful conversation like that. I could give a 4 hour window with her, but wouldn’t this defeat the purpose of my boundary to begin with? I feel like this may still have me feeling burnt out and frustrated. resentful even because I’m not truly given any space to recharge. I can still try giving a shorter window of time compared to a day or two and see if that satisfies her without me removing my boundaries entirely.

Good Morning Anita,

I wanted to sleep on this and I think you’re right – the friendship is no longer what is used to be. I appreciate the advice and insight you offered me while I tried to sort through this issue and gain more clarity. Thank you!

Good Morning, Anita. I wanted to reach out to you again for some guidance and advice. Amanda and I had a couple discussions since I last posted here. The first conversation involved me explaining why I enforced my boundaries in the first place and how upset I get when she makes me feel guilty and mean for putting myself first more often. I let her know that I pick up on her energy and demeanor changing completely whenever I do this or take more than an hour to respond to her. She said she understood and to that I reminded her she could text me anytime she wanted and I would respond back the moment I could and if I have the capacity to. That response sparked another discussion the following day. Amanda proceeded to tell me that I make her feel annoying, overwhelming… I don’t make her feel loved, supported, or encouraged. I make her feel like garbage because I can’t make her a high priority like she makes me. I told her I appreciate her honesty and that I’m sorry my boundaries created these feelings within her. I reminded her that I expressed similar emotions whenever I engage in acts of self-care and that her energy changes. I told her that I feel because I make her feel a similar way to how she makes me feel makes me conclude that we have become toxic for each other and that she has had a toxic impact on me. I apologized that I created this problem because I made myself too available and accessible from the start of our friendship so I take some of the blame for why she’s been feeling this way once I started creating space. Her response to that was “Ok, I’m toxic now. Cool. Cool. I wish you the best.” I didn’t respond to that, but a few hours later she sent another text stating she forgives me even though I blamed her for all of this and made her think she was to blame for the distance between us. I honestly felt a little gaslighted by that response. I also did not respond to this. Because I never placed all the blame on her.

With all that said, the point of me reaching out to you again Anita is because her comments upset me. I feel guilty and feel like I was in the wrong. Was I actually toxic and perhaps gaslighting her too? Her comments bother me because she claims (in the last message she sent) that she respected me and my boundaries and allowed me to be my true self. I guess I struggle with distinguishing the difference between healthy boundaries and toxic ones. I know I need to take better care of myself and my soul. I just need some guidance if I went about this all wrong and sabotaged this friendship. I don’t want to make this mistake with other friends, especially the friends I haven’t crossed paths with yet. I want to be better and to do better, but Amanda really made me feel like I wasn’t being my best self. I’m curious to hear your thoughts.