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Boyfriend break due to his identity crisis

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  • October 19, 2018 at 12:49 am #231817
    Vivi
    Participant

    5 days ago (4 days before my birthday), out of the blue – my boyfriend decides he wants to go on a break. He says he’s confused about us, his job, where he’s living etc. I agree to give him space.

    We have been together a year and a half. We never argue and only have happy memories of new adventures together and so much love. I’ve never felt so sure about someone.

    A month ago he was telling me he loved me 5x before I even got to work ‘we’ve got something really amazing going on’.. Then he goes cold and distant for two weeks, then announces a break over text message.

    Since the text, we ran into each other and he explained to me that he doesn’t feel like he has a life outside of me, he thinks about me all the time and needs time to be alone and see if he misses me. He’s being very emotionless, suddenly drinking lots and partying with new friends at work and now calls me his ex, which feels final to me.

    He recognises that I never held him back from being himself and he recognises that maybe this is all just down to perception – he’s going through a quarter life crisis. He’s had relationships in the past that have broken his heart and gone sour but he knows that I would never do anything to hurt him.

    I’m scared that he won’t come back to me. Scared that through the break, we will drift apart and I’ll lose the love of my life. I was planning on giving him two weeks of space, then having the conversation. But I’m unsure how to make him see clearly again and want to work on us.

    October 19, 2018 at 7:47 am #231883
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vivi:

    “he explained to me that he doesn’t feel like he has a life outside of me, he thinks about me all the time and needs tome to be alone and see if he misses me”- reads to me that he wants a life outside of you, and indeed, he is “suddenly drinking lots and partying with new friends at work and now calls me his ex”.

    His motivation to seek freedom from you appears to be “out of the blue” but probably has been brewing for a while. When he told you a month ago: “5 (times) before I even got to work ‘we’ve got something really amazing going on'”, it is possible that he said that to convince himself to stay in the relationship. Possibly, not necessarily so.

    If you think back to a month ago or earlier, can you think of what may be evidence to him considering breaking up with you?

    anita

     

    October 19, 2018 at 8:03 am #231887
    Vivi
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    He became suddenly distant – changed overnight. He has been very busy with work – 7 day weeks and his best friend recently married his girlfriend, who sadly is battling breast cancer. He has cited this as causing him to question his life choices. We also recently watched A Ghost Story, which was v depressing and causes you to think your life is meaningless.

    I don’t like my job and looking to make a change. However, this doesn’t affect my mood – it did up to about 2 months ago and he was so supportive. But I don’t think that’s the reason.

    I’m confused and I don’t understand why he wants to be a part from me. 🙁

    October 19, 2018 at 8:07 am #231891
    Vivi
    Participant

    – he also recently published a book and even cited me in his acknowledgements, which I wasn’t expecting and thought shouted commitment..

    October 19, 2018 at 8:10 am #231893
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vivi:

    I am trying to figure it out somewhat, therefore I ask: when he went “cold and distant for two weeks”- did you ask him then what was happening with him (I assume you did) and what did he communicate to you at the time?

    You mentioned “where he’s living” having been a problem for him. Where is he living?

    anita

    October 19, 2018 at 8:13 am #231895
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * And what about that book, what is the book about? (just saw your recent post)

    anita

    October 19, 2018 at 9:07 am #231909
    Vivi
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me, its comforting to have you help.

    After he hadn’t spoken to me for a while and I was frustrated, I asked what was on his mind and he said: “Awakening to my mortality, maybe because I’ve been able to drink again and have been doing so more than I like to admit. I’m feeling tired and perplexed about life, switched off and disengaged and trying to focus on the present moment.”

    After that message I told him that I wanted him to have fun and be in the present too but that it hurt when he cut me out. In hindsight I should have zeroed in on the mortality and drinking, and left my own feelings out of it.

    He lives in a flat which he had bought with his ex in a non-inspiring but lovely part of London. He suggested that maybe he should live centrally or have housemates. However, he always said he loved living there and having his own space.

    The book is fiction about a talking cat – it’s doing well on Amazon.

    Vivi

    October 19, 2018 at 9:28 am #231921
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vivi:

    Maybe he has a mortality crisis, rather than an identity crisis. “Awakening to my mortality” suggests to me that he is scared of dying.

    A month ago he told you repeatedly “we’ve got something really amazing going on”, but as amazing as it was for him, it was not amazing enough to give him eternal life. Of course, nothing will give him eternal life, although many people believe there is (religion, heaven and such).

    It can be as simple as that.

    anita

    October 19, 2018 at 9:35 am #231927
    Hey Its Jess
    Participant

    Hey Vivi,

    You said that you guys have been together for more than a year and rarely fought. To me that seems odd. Are your platonic relationships this peaceful too? Is it possible that he has been keeping stuff from you in order to avoid a fight? Have you ever felt like venting it  to him?

    October 19, 2018 at 9:53 am #231933
    Vivi
    Participant

    Hi Jess

    We have had the usual moments of being a bit short tempered i.e. getting annoyed at each other for forgetting keys at home or giving the wrong directions, or who spends more money – but we always let it go instantly and haven’t argued about anything more serious. I guess we’re both quite relaxed people and avoid confrontation. For my part, I’m happy to let things slide as all his good outweighs any niggles.

    My relationships with friends is like that too and don’t feel that he’s keeping things from me etc..

    October 19, 2018 at 7:14 pm #232073
    Hey Its Jess
    Participant

    Hey Vivi,

    Well that’s good to hear. Maybe he just needs some time to understand himself better then. Its up to you if you wanna wait around for him.

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