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BROKEN HEARTED MAN

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  • October 21, 2015 at 12:14 am #85760
    adam
    Participant

    Hello all,have just come across this site and am finding it very helpful…My name is Adam 42 and had broken up with my love Neilia 44.We were together for 3yrs and have been broken up for last 3mths.She broke up with me.I know this is a cliche but i had never felt such an affinity,honesty and communication with someone like her.I had been previously married for 10yrs to an emotionally abusive and physical wife.Then got with someone after that for 2yrs and she was just toxic alcoholic etc…

    Then i was single for about 4yrs which was a great self discovery and then met Neilia.We clicked so well and could almost mind read each and work in.Felt so relaxed to be myself with her and helped her discover new experience with life as well.We never had one arguement or fight over that 3 yrs til our first one this year.

    The first 6mths of this year was tough on me as im self employed tradesman and was out of work for 3mths(something I’ve never experience) and i fell into a state of depression.She was supporting me emotionally and financially which made me feel even worse not being about to support my woman.She was the most adoring loving woman i had ever met and showed me what true love was and affection of the heart.

    Then 3mths ago she went out with some girlfriend of hers for dinner (which i always encouraged her to do) and i was home just doing the dishes and her ph was there on bench and a message came through which displayed on her screen..It was some guy admitting to her how hot she was blah blah.I couldnt help myself and replied pretending it was me and asked him to come over now..But he would as he lived interstate.I had always trusted her and never felt insecure with her.

    Anyways she gets home that friday night and i confront her about this guy txting her and she was blown away as she thought he was just a friend from an Autistic support group.(her son has aspergers).She says that guy had never revealed feelings like that to her which i totally believed and she was innocent.Two days later on a sunday afternoon i am still brewing on this and i started drinking as this reminded my of my last insecure relationship whereas the alcoholic one was a prostitute which i only found out after 2mths of being with her and guys ringing her work ph blaha blah.I knew Neilia wasnt like this but still erked me.That night i got drunker and drunker drowning my feelings and had the music up loud and she was trying to sleep and kept coming in and turning the volume down….Then i last out to her and said “JUST FUCK OFF YOU C… AND LEAVE ME ALONE.This broke her and she hid in the spare room.I had never ever lashed out at her like this ever..Totally unprecedented .

    Next morning nothing said about the night before and that afternoon she rings me to say that i have to get out of the house as it was her week with her son and she was picking up…I apologised but i ended up goin to friends place for a week.Couple of weeks later we reconcile and i spend 1 week with her and she has son for other week.This was hard for both of us as we would even count the hours down to see each again as our love run so deep.I discussed my reasons for lashing out etc and she also told me that pot doesn’t help me and depresses me more…I occasionly smoked pot maybe twice a month but i was a habitual smoker years ago..

    Our last weekend together was nice as we went away fishing etc as we both share the same passion.Following wednesday she ph me to say that we are finished.I of course was devasted etc…So the following week i go there to get my belonging etc and find her at the bar down the road with another man.I only stopped in there to have a beer and chill.I told him to go and let me talk to her which he finally did,as he probably saw i was almost tempted to knock him out which i restrained myself..So i talked to her for 5min and looked into her eyes while talking and could see a nothingness in her eyes..She tells me she only just met him etc..which i do believe.

    This however was absolutely gut wrenching on top of breaking up.I just couldnt understand how she could get with someone like 7days after breaking up with me and yet only a week or so shes telling me how much she loves me and misses me.I took me a week or 2 to realise that she is in fact REBOUNDING over me which is a little consoling as this shows how much she hasnt dealt with the loss of us and is avoiding the heartbreak herself.This was 6weeks ago.

    Anyways i had to go over to her house last week and return a laptop i had and we talked.Had a couple of beers and was like old times.She even commented how good i look and healthy as i had been working out etc and was on the mends from her.But then of course i noticed her eyes and the spark and the way she looked at me piercingly.I proceed to give her a palm read which i learnt and then ask her to kiss me…BIG MISTAKE..We kissed longingly and was so apparent the chemistry was there.She would always say that i was the only one that made her dizzy when kissing and i had admitted to her that it was the same for me.So i decide i had better go now and she walks me to front gate and insist on hugging me again and we kiss again for about 10min and she gets all teary and saying sorry.I held my composure at least til i got down the road driving and then lose it myself..Sobbing etc.

    I accept the break up but her being with someone soooo soon is the cause some much anxiety now again and the thoughts just keep recurring in mind..I understand that %90 of rebounds dont work especially within a week of breaking up and the first man that comes along as well.But doesnt make it any easier and i cant wait til she realises too that i cant be replaced and her emotions will boil to the surface and she will have to face them….

    I have always been an optimist in life but this has truly rocked my world and is my first true heart break at the age of 42.Thought i was all the wiser with women.I have gone back into no contact now as after we kissed the other night and talked we started txting steadily which isnt good.Especially when she is with someone.

    Should i be opend to reconcilliation or wipe her forever.I have done so much self development and learnt so much about relationship now..But hindsight is a horrible thing..

    October 21, 2015 at 8:58 am #85779
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Oh Adam. I feel for you.

    so did she kiss you while she’s with another guy?

    I’d say if in doubt do nothing and the answer will come. Stand your ground and keep your dignity… and the outburst event – I read that as if you were with an abusive woman before I wonder if you learned that from her. a form of normality. it isn’t normal. unlearn that.

    I think you need time to heal yourself. If she’s a keeper she’ll come back. Just wit and see. and love yourself.

    October 21, 2015 at 9:03 am #85781
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear adam:

    You wrote that when you were single for four years you did a lot of self discovery work. Then you met Neilia and all went well until the trigger- the man texting her that she is hot- and your self improvement of four years regressed: you verbally abused her and increased your drinking (and pot smoking?). Then after verbally abusing her, you did not try to correct the situation until way later?

    The regression happened because that trigger re-activated the old neuropathways in your brain, those giving you such intense distress and triggering you to make her suffer too, as you suffer. Then you get stuck in old pathways, old patterns. Your view is foggy, you see images from your past, dressing those images on what is in the present.

    I would say, go back to self discovery, as you called it, go over what you discovered in those four years and re-start the discovery/ healing process within yourself. As you think of Neilia, as you interact with her, try to see only what is there, not what you recycle and inaccurately project into the present.

    anita

    October 22, 2015 at 2:36 pm #85900
    adam
    Participant

    Thank you guys..I had never even outbursted like that to her over the 3yrs.I struggle in my head that she is with someone so quickly and that she in her mind is replacing me for another man.I wait patiently for her to face her emotions of us breaking up which i think is slowly surfacing in her mind.

    Have never felt anxiety like this and i know i have to move on.Still shed tears some nights over what happened.

    Thank you for your input and analysis..

    Adam

    October 22, 2015 at 2:40 pm #85901
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Adam:

    Try to understand your pain- what is it exactly that is hurting? What deeper pain is being triggered and brought to the surface? Find out, have empathy for yourself for that pain of long ago and the pain now. If you would like you can share here more, how you feel, your hurt old and new.

    anita

    October 23, 2015 at 1:51 am #85929
    adam
    Participant

    Thank you anita.appreciate that.This week was especially tough as she was txting me reminiscing etc..and told me she wont be able to reply for a week and dont think she being rude she just can’t reply,as she has gone for a week to Bali overseas(I’m in Australia)..She told me she had booked and her new rebound had decided to go as well.So has been a tough week with anxiety like ive never experienced before.I sent her a long detailed email of reflection on all topics of our relationship and she arrives back in the country this weekend and ive decided i need to go back into No contact unless she initiates first and i will just reply neutrally and take small steps.Am hoping she has had time to think while away and reflected on what has happened in the last 3mths.I love Neilia with more whole heart and she reciprocated that to me.I just think our relationship is worth reconciling and not throwing away true endearing love between two people…Sorry for venting but this helps me

    Adam

    October 23, 2015 at 9:20 am #85948
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear adam:

    No need to apologize for venting, especially to me since I asked you to share more about your (past and) current pain. No Contact went through my mind as I read the first lines of your latest post. How can it be NOT painful to know that the woman you love is with another man and to read it from her. This in itself is torture. Regardless of any details of how you contributed to the demise of the relationship up to this point- just knowing she is with another man is torture. And she expresses to you sentiments encouraging your hope of getting together again- that is a bind that doesn’t allow you to move on. You are in limbo, hoping and waiting- a difficult place to be mentally. I would say you need to un-stuck yourself from this Limbo place, that of hoping and waiting. Give it a time limit: so much time you are willing to hope and wait- be it five minutes, five days, five weeks- but there is only so much time you can endure this…

    anita

    October 24, 2015 at 9:03 pm #86011
    adam
    Participant

    Thank you anita,im trying to understand my pain.I can only pin point my pain is losing true love.Was the first time in my life of knowing true love.

    October 25, 2015 at 7:36 am #86020
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear adam:

    You wrote that this was the first time in your life of “knowing true love.” In trying to understand your pain, which you wrote above that you are trying to do, and I mean the older pain in your life, can you share about the first love, the love of a young boy to his mother? To his father? You are the boy in the question, of course,,,

    anita

    October 26, 2015 at 2:14 am #86098
    adam
    Participant

    My relationship with my parents has been the closest its even been for the last 8yrs…my ex wife disliked them etc…am really trying to recognise and accept that Neilia and i may never be together again and look after my own heart and mind.She seems to of gone cold again via txt since she has come back from her holiday and im going back into NC.Have a feeling her emotion are starting to surface of what has occured between us but i cant worry bout that i understand now.Thought i was all the wiser to a serious relationship of what i learnt from previous toxic relationships….Am trying to kick her off the pedestal and have been told to make a list of pros and cons of her and 3mths on i still can’t list any cons with neilia.I want to draw on her cons but cant recognise any.She has my heart like no one has in my entire life.

    October 26, 2015 at 8:09 am #86107
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear adam:

    She definitely triggered a lot of love in you, Neilia, that is. And from your descriptions of how she was and how the relationship was in the first three years, it sounds perfect. Probably was not in reality perfect (nothing much is perfect in real life). I didn’t notice any cons that you mentioned, don’t remember any. You describe her only in positives. So, from your account there is nothing negative about her and all the trouble in the relationship originated in your behavior following the first three years.

    I do hope you somehow heal, heal this pain you are experiencing. Instead of listing her cons, which you didn’t find any, how about if you list Things You Learned from this relationship and those preceding it so you can be more prepared for a good enough future relationship. It is not too late you know. I was 48 when I first met the first good enough relationship with a man in my whole life,.

    anita

    October 26, 2015 at 10:25 pm #86168
    adam
    Participant

    Have tried to sit down many times to list the cons or annoying things about her and just cant come up with any..Thats frustrating me too

    October 27, 2015 at 7:31 am #86193
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear adam: so where do you go from here?
    anita

    October 27, 2015 at 9:50 pm #86283
    adam
    Participant

    Am trying to detach myself from her emotionally and recognize my thoughts.Which are constant all day memories etc…Thanks for replying anita,very much appreciate this.I have found that i do have a huge heart to give bigger than i thought i knew.Have written down all my failures in the relationship and have learnt and seeked help.Just wish she could of given me a second chance.Which i know now is impossible with her rebounding boyfriend.I think she is cold on me again which is ok cause it helps me and il stay out of her picture for her to work out her own emotions……Am trying to tell myself if its meant to be its meant to be but i can’t go on waiting for that maybe as its to hurtful to me and my heart and mind.
    I just know it could work if given a chance and the best shot maybe thats one of my downfalls as I’m an optimist.

    November 20, 2015 at 8:23 pm #88017
    adam
    Participant

    Hello all,has been a while since ive been on here.Am slowly moving on but am feeling depressed which i recognise.Am finding it hard to go to work and be productive and am drinking heavier each night.An i know this is no good for me.Am needing a kick in the ass as im just moping around home being unproductive.Cant wait for this shit year to finish and start fresh next year.Have gone out for a dinner date with someone as i thought it would be good medicine for me,but was quite the reverse effect.

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