Dear Anita

Thank you. I hope you are doing okay.

Dear Ally

Thank you for your response. I have gone through compassion to my parents, I think I had too much of it for them. I have a lot of sympathy and understanding  for them, in a way they would never repay me for the care and concern I had for them. I am aware they both didn’t have enough love in their homes so they ended up being occupied with themselves rather than noticing me. My dad’s parents are bad people. They hated him and hate me too although they barely know me. He once said his mother told him that she regrets she didn’t kill him before he was born when she was pregnant. I can imagine what his life looked like when he was a kid. I sometimes thought I have forgiven my father but it’s not true. I’m angry at both of them for failing me and putting me through hell. I wouldn’t hurt my own child after what I’ve been through.

I have plans to go to a therapy this or next month, due to some other issues too but mostly those scenes from my childhood haunting me.

I moved out from my my father’s house when I was 12. He died 10 years ago, without ever apologizing or making it up to me. Never wanted to fix our relationship or keep meeting me. I lived with my mother until 21, recently she moved out again because she broke up with her boyfriend. She then started to treat me really bad. I’m planning to move out soon. In last weeks our relation has worsened because I told her it’s her fault her boyfriend bullied me over the years and my life was a nightmare, also I told her I want him to give me back money he took from me to renovate his house. She barely speaks to me, I guess because of the fact they had the argument because of me.

When I think I’ll be living alone I have a hope the nightmares and haunting thoughts will vanish. But I know it may not be that easy. There are days I remember sitting in that room and can’t move, can’t get out of the bed. I have to but I have this feeling how can I go on with my life with THIS in my head. How would anyone go on. I have faced a lot of things in my life lately, a lot of painful things. Trying to overcome it, to fix myself. This stays and fills me with so much anger that they did this to me and none of them were ever sorry or felt responsible. Anger but also pity for myself, sympathy that no one had for me then. Then or ever.

I have been to a counselor many times in my life but it was never a success. I was either ignored, not got enough attention or was prescribed meds that made it worse. But I’m giving myself another chance, looking for someone who may help me this time.

Dear Ally

Thank you, for those kind words. Yes I’ve read your posts about your relationship with your father. It amazes me how children care about fixing and bringing family together and how parents don’t need that. We are adults but we are stuck with being those children of theirs, we can’t let this go, and they don’t even try. Yes, I’m trying to be aware and not hurt other people, although I have worked with kids (teaching them) and I’ve been fighting with the feeling of anger, illogical anger with no reason, I feel it because I was taught and shown anger for many years. This anger consumes me and there were times when it was really hard for me to understand it and to calm myself down. I now know not to trust my own feelings and urges, be more mindful and have control over what’s coming to my head. But the anger is here anyway, I control it and resist but I feel illogical rage sometimes towards children and I hate it because it’s not me who creates it. I like kids I teach, some of them I really adore and this anger comes to me anyway, because someone put it in my head and programmed it. Mind works in twisted ways. Thank you for appreciating this I’m really trying, I mean I never act on anger, I would never. It destroys me only, not other people.

I have a friend, a grandma, few members of family, not much. Not much of a family to be honest. I’ve lost two friends recently.

Dear Ally

Thanks for asking questions, I really appreciate it. I did running for some time, it worked really well, I was exhausted (in a good way) and slept better. Now I try long walks, I would love to run again. I watch a lot of movies, helps me sometimes. I used to take pictures. But I can’t think of any other way to release anger and emotions. How does yoga help you?

Yes I did write letters to my dad, very angry letters. Helps me in a way that it helps to acknowledge my hurt, that I don’t deny or justify his guilt. I talked to my mother but it’s hard to talk to her and change her way of thinking. When I told her I’m moving out she made herself a victim. She started drinking sometimes and making me feel guilty. That I caused her argument with her boyfriend and I want to be far away from her, because it’s her who is number 1 person here. Like it’s not about me, this life, my life, is not about me being happy but it’s about her, and how I hurt her with my decisions. I thought about writing a letter to her about all this.

Thank you Anita, that means a lot. Thank you for reading this, that’s really a lot for me if someone reads it, especially you. Yes, writing helps me.

I often write on my laptop when I’m overwhelmed and then when I finish I read it again, it loses its power then, if it makes sense. So yes, writing as releasing emotions is good when there’s no one to talk to.

I feel more free since I don’t suppress, hide or deny what happened to me. I feel like all my childhood I was living in hell and then during the day no one ever talked about this within family. I am not sorry for blaming my mother that she started arguments. I know my father was drinking but a child knows only what she or he feels, which is fear, and she caused it and he watched me there and let this happen. He let this happen and she let this happen. Doesn’t matter who was right or wrong in a fight, what matters is you are hurting someone. They both failed me in their own way. I am not sorry I made our relation worst than it has even been because I said openly that her boyfriend  bullied me for years and he owes me money for renovations in his house 10 years ago, and now I want them back, because I will need them for my own place. I realize I started a “war” and it will never be the same again but it’s them who did this to me, it’s not me who did this to them (as she claims). The only reason for this situation is that no one is standing on my side, and she says she has to be “in between” which is not true, she’s not in between, she’s just forced to behave like she’s in between. But she’s against me. When I told her I want my money back she told me”why are doing this to me, you want me to jump off the bridge why are you so mean why are you so stubborn just let it go” and that she’s not going to “survive” it, whatever that means. I told her I’m not doing doing this to her, or to him, I’m doing this for me. Then she started drinking after a fight with him. It showed me how much I am important in all this, and how much she “cares” about me. It gave me an important lesson, one of the most important lessons in my life. I can’t specifically say what it was but it changed a lot, like it has ended something forever.  I feel it’s overwhelming and it’s too much, but it also feels like releasing from chains a little bit. They say to lose everything means to gain everything, and that gives hope. I think I’m handing it quite well given what I’ve been through last months. I know there’s a hope in the end.

Dear Sarah,

The poem is beautiful, very emotional for me. Thank you for that. I woke up today and read this, made me smile. I can’t say I’m brave, I would rather say I’m afraid of everything. But someone saying this to me, like you, gives me strength so thank you for that. Yes, the triggers, I kind of notice them but I’m not sure exactly what they are. I guess the moments when I felt fear and someone’s aggression towards me, similar situations now trigger me. Like kids being weak, people’s silence. My mother used to yell at me for being silent and passive. Still very confusing for me. What are your triggers? Can you tell me more, of course if you feel comfortable to, if not, that’s okay. I’m a bit afraid of psychotherapy after my experiences in the past, talking abut it which is hard, and getting nothing in return. But I want to try, this month perhaps.

Thank you Sarah, those are the small things that matter the most.

I am glad you have trusted someone, I know how hard it is. I can’t imagine I would tell anyone what this aggression “tells me” to do to myself over the years. Maybe there are people whom I would tell this but not sure if they would want to listen (not my parents, that’s for sure. people who I trust(ed), not many of them though).

Recently I feel much more strength, writing helps me, but also my own thinking. I’m starting to feel like I don’t want to be this (their) child anymore. I know it may sound bad, but I feel like all my life I have been living, re-living and re-playing those scenes from my childhood, sitting in this room with them, being exposed to violence, not being able to stop this (despite asking them) with no help from anyone. Sometimes I imagine myself (now of course because it’s not the past, it’s present – me sitting there with them) leaving this room. I imagine getting up and leaving. Not caring if my mother will kill my dad, or if my dad will kill my mom, as those were my everyday problems when being a 5 year old child. I’m thinking I’m letting this go. I’m thinking they came to me with this problem to help them solve it and to look after them. I remember being 5 years old and I knew I had to take care of them because I thought I had this responsibility. On the other hand I was sitting there unable to do anything, and they wouldn’t even listen to me. So I wasn’t there to protect them or to help them. They don’t need it and I can’t help them. So I imagine getting up and leaving them, and letting go of this made up responsibility of mine.  The only thing that keeps me in this room is my fear that if I leave something bad happen to them, so I have to be there and look after them. But they didn’t even ask for my help, so what am I still doing there. Being able to imagine getting up and leaving countless times gives me a bit more freedom, and insight. I hope someday I will be able to do this without hesitation and for this I need to be caring about myself more than I care about them, which I think I’m getting used to this idea.

“Remember you can start your day over at 2 in the afternoon.” – Thank you for that sentence, I sometimes beat myself up for ruining my day with doing this and that which I promised myself I wouldn’t do, and now there it is again.. Still have to tell myself everyday again and again to be gentle and forgiving to myself.