@anita

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! I always enjoy hearing from you when I make posts.

I thought I would post an update to the situation, since a few things have happened since I posted this.

We admitted that we liked each other in a rather funny way a few nights ago. It wasn’t anything sappy or that difficult, mostly us admitting that we’ve enjoyed talking to each other and there might be something there worth investigating. However, before we could both start getting too worked up over it, I added that before we decide anything we should probably discuss things in person. So, we’re meeting up on Tuesday.

I’m not sure if he thinks it’s a sure thing we’ll start dating soon or what, but I already know what I need to tell him. Even if we like each other, texting has constituted roughly 85% of our conversations. We have only talked in person twice. So while he has come across as charming, it would be a rash mistake to start anything when we’ve really barely spent time together face to face.

After that, though, I’m not sure what else to tell him. I know I don’t want to consider us a ‘thing’ right now since we don’t know each other that well, but there’s also the fact that I’ll have to bring up a few things to him at some point.

#1) While I can be a source of support for someone, I can’t be anyone’s therapist or sole source of joy. In the past I have become stuck in several emotionally damaging relationships, friendships or otherwise, and I refuse to get stuck there again. If he is having issues that he isn’t bothering to deal with or doesn’t want to, I’m sorry, but I might have to say no to dating.

#2) I don’t want either one of us to end up codependent on the other person. While he was at the beach the other day, he texted me he got bored three hours in and ‘wished he could talk to me instead.’ Not necessarily a warning sign, but enough for me to insist he should be able to spend time on his own, too. If he can’t be happy on his own, I’d doubt if he could be happy dating, either.

~

I guess in the end I’m trying to balance being understanding with taking care of myself. I understand that if he were the right guy for me anyway, he should respect both of those things. I’m just not sure how- or when- to bring them up. A part of me doesn’t think it’s necessary until later since I’ve already decided we need to get to know each other better as friends first, because maybe we’ll find we’re fine just being friends after the initial butterflies fade. I’m not sure.

I suppose a part of me wants to assure myself that any guy worth my time can either “step up, or step out,” because I’m still going to put myself first right now. I’m sympathetic to any sorrows he may have, and maybe it’s not as bad as he makes it out to be sometimes, but I’m still going to have a bit of a guard up until I know him better.

@anita

That may very well be the problem I have.

I think the issue is that I’m too used to that actually being the case. Three separate times in the past, two friendships and my last relationship, each person has in some way or another come to use me, or at least that is how I ended up perceiving it despite knowing they were hurting inside.

The first person, a friend from 6th grade, threatened to kill herself if I ever stopped talking to her. My grades began to slip and she was constantly complaining and then getting mad at me for trying to give her advice or to look on the bright side, which is when I learned that giving the ‘optimistic’ advice isn’t great for everyone going through something, but at the same time felt as though she were being unfair to me by putting her life in my hands and threatening me to stay.

The second person, a friend from 7th grade, I thought I was very close to. She was bullied due to being different, but I thought she was awesome, and we had a fun time together. Another girl became her friend, and in no time at all it was as if a switch had been flipped. She accused me of hurting her feelings (and never explained what I had done, so for years I just thought I was wrong as a human being rather than having said something by mistake) and then people were taking ‘sides’ in a fight I had no clue how it had started. I attempted to apologize, still without knowing what I had supposedly done, and she never forgave me, although now I forgive myself. My therapist explained that perhaps she was taking her anger out on me, and I had never really done anything wrong, especially since I always tried so hard to be good to everyone.

And with this past relationship, my ex started going through a rough time, but whenever I could tell he needed to talk, he always turned to someone else instead. He insisted he just didn’t want to cause me pain by sharing his own, even though I insisted that as a girlfriend I wanted to be able to at least be there to listen. Otherwise it just felt like he didn’t trust me, and I stopped trusting him, and I believe this to be part of the problem of why we fell apart. Communication became a huge problem.

~

All-in-all, in writing this, I am thinking a few things. First and foremost: I am most likely overreacting from minor things. I believe this reaction is coming from a space of fear that I’ll end up in a painful place again by opening myself up to someone else, as I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and it tended to get broken every time.

It’s almost ironic how I could state that I ‘can’t deal with someone’s issues,’ but I think the truth of what I meant was this: I can’t handle those issues without their cooperation. In the past, it was a one-sided ‘fix me’ that led to them hating me for their lives not being better… but in my last relationship, I didn’t want to just give up on him because of his issues. It was because he insisted he didn’t want to change, and he didn’t want to talk to me about anything. I am willing to stay by someone’s side through hell and back if they fight with me. I don’t perceive myself as someone who gives up easily.

Maybe I’m trying to walk too fine a balance between not being a caretaker but being a supporter?

@anita

I have put your earlier advice to use, and have found that anything I was triggered by before has faded away completely. I do believe my reactions could use some work, but I will also empathize that reacting the way I did was unnecessary self-defense from perceived threats to my well being.

I have definitely come a long way in terms of being supportive of others. I no longer do what I did in 6th grade, giving advice and trying to point out other things. Instead, these past few years I’ve been able to simply validate their feelings and hear them out. I do not give advice unless they are asking for it, though sometimes I will point out things they don’t seem to notice. I’ve grown a lot through my mistakes and will continue to do so.

~

Me and him (the new guy) finally did a video chat for the first time, and we ended up talking for two hours, which was way longer than I had planned but I really enjoyed sharing stories with him. He’s very open about a lot of things, and we even ended up talking a little bit about our past relationships. When I described to him what my ex had done before, he seemed surprised and- without me having said anything- commented that he had seemed quite controlling and obsessive of me. Those were two words I had never used to describe my ex, even though my friends had, and I was surprised to hear him say it. I realized instantly that if he can recognize something like that, for some reason it makes me feel like he understands not to do those things, which was what I was afraid of in the first place. It made me feel rather silly.

I also found out (through his own willingness to share) that he does see a therapist for some things, and that his therapist is going to be leaving soon, so he’ll need to find another and is a little scared about it. He describes that what he tends to do is overthink things and get down on himself for making mistakes, much like I do as well. He says he experiences periods of sadness sometimes and, more recently, feelings of being lost or unsure of where to go. All-in-all, at least from what I currently know, it doesn’t seem like the depression he had earlier described is as serious as it came across to be. He admitted that he doesn’t think his issues are as serious as he tends to describe them sometimes.

For me, personally, I find it refreshing for a guy to be so open about the fact they experience these things, as usually I don’t come across guys who will openly admit to therapy or feeling down. All the guys I’ve previously known would act as though they didn’t care, or play it off as nothing. He has even mentioned that he would like to get better at self-forgiveness. So even though he told me he tends to use comedy as a means of covering things sometimes, I get the feeling that he is a genuinely nice person, even if different in a way I can’t quite understand just yet.

-Isra

@anita

Just another update on the situation, but I believe things will be mostly smooth sailing from here.

We had a very good discussion yesterday and learned quite a bit more about each other in more important aspects of our lives. I even went on to ask him if he felt someone who tended to lean optimist and someone who tended to lean pessimist would be able to work together, and he replied that he thinks it would be mostly about finding healthy boundaries and balance between both sides, but he believes it possible.

I did present him with my concerns of codependency- not necessarily addressing him specifically- but mostly affirming that as an easily drained person, I can’t be someone’s sole source of happiness or therapy, and he was fully understanding of this.

We discussed a few other things, but by the end of the discussion I feel like we would stand an honest chance. The best part being that neither one of us is jumping to say we’re starting a relationship ‘now,’ but rather we’re going to see how things go over the next few weeks and we might just fade into things gradually if all is well.

This is the first time I have felt this comfortable and at ease about starting a potential relationship with someone.

-Isra