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August 14, 2016 at 12:23 am #112291
NatalijaParticipantHello everyone!
I’ve been reading blogs here for a long time and find them really helpful.
At this moment in life I feel like I’ve been hitting the same wall over and over again. It’s not just something I feel, it’s what most of my friends would confirm. I’m 32 now, and going out of a relationship that lasted for 6 years. It wasn’t all bad, but it doesn’t make me or him happy anymore. I’ve had trust issues because of one lie I’ve caught him in a long time ago (he was in town when he said he won’t be) and this fine distance he keeps on having between us. He just can’t or won’t speak about feelings, he doesn’t want to live together and doesn’t give any explanation for that…and so on. I’ve tried to talk, be everything he would expect me to be, be supportive, wait for him to change…and in the end became really resentful and sad and I feel trapped in something I don’t want any more, but I need somehow. He is trying harder now…but, too late and too little.
Sounds like codependency. I think that need is so strong, because the idea of solitude is something so unbearable to me.I live alone now, for a few years…have some friends, and a mother and a brother in a village an hour drive away. I have a job, more than a few hobbies. But being alone means dealing with past and all the mistakes I think I’ve made.
Never really trusting my feelings or having boundaries I would do almost anything to get approwal. And usually chosen the wrong people to seak that from. There was a lot of bad relationships and friendships where I didn’t feel appreciated, where I was giving and giving and in return got even more demands and less respect.My family was a big problem. My parents had a good relationship, but they worked non stop because of a bad financial situation. We never had a vacation together. We lived with my grandparents(mothers parents) who were controlling everything. My grandfather was an alcoholic, sometimes abusive. I’ve spent almost my entire childhood surrounded with fighting, jelling (I still can’t handle someone jelling at me), blaming, trying to leave and than coming back, and a lot of alcohol, problem that keeps being ignored. My brother is a lot junger, and had it even worse, since our father died at 53, when my brother had 15 years. And our father was the only reasonable person here, but didn’t know how to stand up for himself or us unfortunately.
So…I think I have a lot to work on. And been trying to, but didn’t resolve all of it.
Now I need to get out of a relationship that hurts most of the time…for real this time. And start sorting things out somehow. Any help and support is more than welcomed.August 14, 2016 at 8:27 am #112305
AnonymousGuestDear Natalija:
A key sentence in your post, for me, is: “Never really trusting my feelings or having boundaries I would do almost anything to get approval”- your healing is going to involve you trusting your feelings. Every feeling you ever had and every feeling you have has a valid message for you. It is what feelings are about, for animals in nature and for people (we are animals) in our complex society.
You wrote that you are afraid to be alone, although you are living alone. I think the message in that fear is that as a child, living with your controlling grandparents, screaming and yelling, you were afraid. You were probably afraid that if you say or do the wrong thing you will lose that home, the hint of safety you knew then, in the only home you had.
So you will do anything to get approval, so to not be rejected, not left alone. There is nothing scarier for a child (or for a young animal, or for any group/ herd animal) then living alone.
If competent psychotherapy is available for you, it will be a good place for you to process the fear of your childhood: the yelling, the not knowing when the next yelling will take place.. and in the context of the safety with the competent, empathetic therapist you can learn to read the valid messages in your feelings and so, to trust your feelings to guide you, to combine logic and emotion as you guide in making better and better life decisions.
Your thoughts…?
anita
August 14, 2016 at 1:21 pm #112326NatalijaParticipantThank you Anita.
Well, this sentence never really trusting my feelings…i had them screaming sometimes, telling me I’m standing at a really insecure ground. But even consciously ignoring them.
I think what I fear the most is not having conection with people. Real and healthy ones, that in the end I didn’t have in my family, all of my relationships and some friendships. And what I know now is that setting a boundary of any kind, or saying no feels really uncomfortable. Like I’m expected to do what someone is asking of me because I love them. Like you need to prove it that way.
At the moment I cant afford therapy sessions, but a few years ago I went to a psychotherapist for a few months. We have scratched the surface and opened some of the hard parts (that revolved around my family)…she also told me that every feeling I have is valid. Which sounded so weird to me since I’ve always thought of myself as too sensitive. Or even dramatic sometimes.
And this helped a lot…and I tried to continue working on it myself. Reading a lot, meditating, tryng to understand myself better. Because I see it was easier to me to live a life just trying to fit in in other peoples picture of who I am, than figuring out what I want or need to begin with.August 14, 2016 at 9:01 pm #112355AnonymousGuestDear Natalija:
I will be back to the computer, re-read your original post and the recent one and then reply in about ten hours. Take good care of yourself.
anita
August 15, 2016 at 1:02 pm #112413AnonymousGuestDear Natalija:
I believe that you expressed your most difficult challenge very well in your last line: “I see it was easier to me to live a life just trying to fit in in other peoples picture of who I am, than figuring out what I want or need”
You got used to operating this way: fitting in other people’s plans for you, expectations of you, whatever those may be. Being passive, in the passenger seat of a car. It is as if saying to the driver: I will be a good passenger and I hope you lead me to a good place.
You got used to this method of operating. Taking the driver’s seat- why, you make make a mistake.
The thing is the drivers in your life did not lead you to where you need to get. The thing is, you have a way better chance to get where you need to get if you take the driver’s seat and drive. It is your vehicle- your body. Drive it!
I can very much relate to giving … just anyone the driver’s seat of my car, figuratively speaking. What a waste of time and life it has been for me. It seems like it is so for you as well.
Other people- the people we trusted to get us someplace good in life- they are either clueless about driving, bad drivers or if they are good drivers, they don’t care to take US to a good place for US in our lives.
This “codependency”- the title of your thread is about letting someone else choose for you while you suffer the consequences of his choice. Better let him (your boyfriend, for one) choose for himself while you choose for yourself.
Your thoughts/ feelings…?
anita
August 15, 2016 at 11:59 pm #112464NatalijaParticipantWow, this si unbeliveable.
When I was junger (despite the chaotic family) I had more security and easier goals somehow. I was great at school, people had really big expectations I could meet back then easily. And I was quite independent. So the big and important choices in life were mine.
But the insecurities and feeling lost came at college where I’ve figured out that the program was so bad it wasn’t preparing us to get a job in this field at all. And I started feeling like I don’t know any more what’s expected of me…and have no idea what direction to take in life. I dind’t feel informed enough, or capable enough.It’s really interesting that you’ve made such a good analogy with driving. Because it was a major issue to me…I’ didn’t want to get a driving license at 18 when my parents wanted me to get it…I was affraid of driving. That was kind of weird because I loved to travel and be driven around. Years passed and I didn’t have the money or the time to go to driving school…last year I finally did and got the license. And it was probably one of the hardest struggles in my life. I’m still insecure behind a wheel because I don’t have a car and I didn’t feel the calmness or trust from my ex boyfriend driving his. So I gave up asking him. And driving for I while, but, when I get the chance I’ll continue.
I also came to the conclusion that this fear of driving came from fear of taking control in my life…because I never had an accident or something bad I could relate to driving.
August 16, 2016 at 7:35 am #112477AnonymousGuestDear Natalija:
When you were younger, at school, the expectations of you were clear and very possible for you to meet. This is what childhood should be at home and in school: expectations clearly communicated and very possible to meet. This way the child knows what is expected and builds confidence of his/ her ability to meet expectations. Later on in life, when expectations are not so clear, there is vagueness, contradictions, complexity, the teenager/ adult can use confidence earned early to actively choose and navigate through the complexity with enough success.
In your case, at home, there was chaos, not the order you needed; the clearly expressed expectations and follow-through (lets say you did X at home, as expected, and your mother noticed and expressed her appreciation). So your confidence wasn’t built adequately.
It is not too late, at 32 (nor would it be too late at 62) to actively choose and successfully navigate through the complexity of life.
How do you think you can gain the confidence needed to do so?
anita
August 16, 2016 at 11:44 pm #112601NatalijaParticipantWell, this is a great explanation of why my confidence is low…and my brother’s too.
I feel like I have some when things are right, there aren’t major problems at work, I have some other project to work on, finances are all right (which is almost impossible to obtain in this crazy little country).
But when problems appear or something from my private life influence me, I feel defeated. And this is a state I was in for a few months now…because I had to get a loan (big one) to do some serious dental work. Now I feel somehow forced to stay at the same job and same place because of the security…and this is something I was trying to avoid my whole life.
I think that the most important thing for me would be to find ways to change things I’m not comfortable with earlier than I did. I usually find the courage to make big changes at the moment when things become bad enough, almost unbearable.
I should be able to express disagreement and try to resolve the conflict or the situation I’m uncomfortable in earlier.
August 17, 2016 at 11:10 am #112674AnonymousGuestDear Natalija:
Reads to me like an excellent goal: to express disagreement and try to resolve a conflict before the conflict escalates and gets worse, as early as possible, really.
You wrote: ” Now I feel somehow forced to stay at the same job and same place because of the security…and this is something I was trying to avoid my whole life.”
I need to understand better what you mean by “this is something I was trying to avoid my whole life”- what is it you were trying to avoid your whole life? Be as specific as you can..
anita
August 17, 2016 at 11:23 pm #112729NatalijaParticipantDear Anita, thank you.
I’ve been trying to avoid conflict at all cost, so some of my friendships or relationships ended in a burst of my disappointment and a bigger argument…and ending the contacts. It can be avoided if I start to resolve problems instead of avoiding them.
About the other part; I’ve been trying to avoid loans or anything that takes away a bit of safety. Safety meaning you can leave anything anytime. Since job market here is really awful I feel like I have to stay at this job. It’s in my field, the salary is all right…but I can’t advance from that. I know I will find a way to something better in the future…but I hate this feeling of insecurity that comes from this loss of financial freedom.
August 18, 2016 at 7:34 am #112745AnonymousGuestDear Natalija:
You wrote: “Safety meaning you can leave anything anytime.” This is a very interesting definition of safety, one I had for the longest time myself. For some people safety means: you can stay in the same place and never leave.
I think that the reason your definition of safety is the Ability to Leave Anytime is because as a child you were trapped and unable to leave. That was a very distressful experience day in and day out, year after year. You wrote in your original post: ” I’ve spent almost my entire childhood surrounded with fighting, jelling (I still can’t handle someone jelling at me), blaming, trying to leave ..”
You are afraid of minor confrontations at present because in your home-of-origin there was no such thing as MINOR confrontation, was there? Fighting, yelling… these are not minor confrontations. So you are afraid of confrontations because understandably, in your brain, a confrontation is always major.
When there is a minor disagreement with another person you get scared as if it is major. It will take a lot of effort for you to calm yourself best you can and to bring up a minor disagreement while you are scared. Once you do that and have a good experience, that is the person reacted well to you, no fighting or yelling, and instead the person heard you, exchanged ideas peacefully and the problem resolved, you will have your first good experience with confrontation. Next time you have to confront will be a bit easier and so forth.
Hope you post again and again…
anita
August 19, 2016 at 12:46 am #112823NatalijaParticipantI already had a good experience with my friend.
I reacted when I felt like she is calling just to ask for favors instead of asking how I was. At the time I was in a really bad situation because a friend of mine (woman I considered almost a mother to me) died.
I told her (maybe not in a best way) how I feel…at first she said she didn’t deserve this…and then tried to understand how and why I feel that way. And it made us even closer 🙂August 19, 2016 at 8:32 am #112842AnonymousGuestDear Natalija:
Then have more and more experiences like this, assert yourself, bring up a minor confrontation to the person as soon as possible (when you are calm and after you prepare yourself) and get into this practice. It will serve you very well in life. Hoping to read about your practice right here!
anita
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