My bf and I have been together for 4.5 years now. I am currently 24, my bf, Bradly about to turn 30. When he asked me to be his gf he expressed how he was worried I would change and no longer be a good match for him. I promised him that wouldn’t happen and I was committed. Silly 20 year old girl. Don’t get me wrong, I love Brad with all my heart. I would do anything for him. He’s my best friend and I just want to see him happy. But that may just be part of my problem. In July 2019 I was fed up with the way that Brad was treating me. The last straw was when he called me a baby. (I can’t stand name calling, the only thing it accomplishes is hurting someone. Thats probably why he did it so often. ) So I broke up with him and he moved out of my house. But we didn’t 100% break up, we were “working things out”. This went on for a little more than a month, one day I noticed he had changed our relationship thing on Facebook, and a friend of mine saw him on Tinder. This mostly just confused me, I had gotten comfortable living on my own, absolutely loving the freedom, only having myself to cook and clean for – it was great! The social media stuff didn’t bother me too much, he kept telling me how much he loved me and wanted us to work, he would come for visits throughout July and August. One Sunday morning in August him and I got into the tiniest argument, it didn’t even turn into an argument because he left without saying goodbye. I got up and he was gone. Told me after he didn’t want to fight so he left.

Thats a little context of the situation, now this next part has nothing to do with Brads actions, this was not an act of “revenge” or anything similar. On Tuesday of that week our old roommate asked me to hangout with him and another friend – they were going boating. I was in. We had a great time, he didn’t know I was single when he asked me to hangout, but later in the night he found out and kissed me instantly. I went home that night, we hangout the next day, and the next. Thursday got wild with Jagger bombs and I got way too drunk and we ended up having sex. We hangout again the next day, and then about a week after that and had sex again. The day after that I was at work and my ex showed up with my dog to my work, crying, begging for me back. I told him what happened – he already heard from someone. he still wanted me back so badly. We had dinner and made up, he moved back in in October and I didn’t;t see the other guy again, Bradly did though quite a few times throughout the next year but I never ended up running into him. As I’m sure you can imagine getting back together with Brad did not go that smoothly. It sucked. I felt so bad, he was so hurt and I couldn’t blame him. It was on me, we had promised not to sleep with anyone else and I broke that. I don’t think I was very empathetic during that time. I let him move back in because I felt bad for him, he was so hurt,  is in his late 20s and now living back with his parents. But it wasn’t easy. He was not a nice person for the next 8 months. Finally it took me basically breaking up with him again (for the same reason) to open his eyes. He begged for one last chance and he has actually been fantastic to be around since. Although we had some really rocky times, today he is the perfect boyfriend. He makes sure I feel loved, has become aware about how to speak to people, I can’t complain. He tries so hard to keep me around, I truly think he’s terrified of loosing me, I can’t leave him, it would shatter him. My family is his family, he would be loosing so much. And we have dogs together, I can’t separate them again, and I wouldn’t get to see one of them anymore. You’re probably confused why I’m talking about leaving when I just said he was perfect. I miss being alone. I loved living alone so much, its hard for me to live with him and I am loosing my patience very quickly these days. Maybe its about control, theres something about coming home from work and everything is exactly where you left it. when things are askew I get overwhelmed. But the bigger thing- I also miss the other guy (Matt). not one day has gone by in over a year now where I haven’t thought about him, and not just for a second, he’ll be on my mind most of the day. Replaying days we were together in my head over and over. Brad even told me once I was talking about him in my sleep. Those 2 weeks were the best time I’ve ever had. Even though noting was genuine I felt like I had friends- people to hangout with that want to do things, nit sit and watch tv all day. But matt was also always nice to me. If that was to try and sleep with me or if it was sincere I will probably never know. But he was always there for me when we lived together, he never made a move on me once back then. And we hangout and went to bars a lot together. I think I really just miss having a friend. The same week brad moved out in 2019, my best friend who I would hangout with everyday moved to the next town to live with her new bf. They just had a kid together so I definitely don’t see her much anymore. I feel almost obsessed – over something that is gone and most likely wouldn’t be the same if I broke with brad to hangout with matt. I don’t want a relationship with matt- he’s a dog and has some issues I’m not up for. But as a friend I miss having fun with him. I’m obviously not “allowed” to see him, and he’s blocked in all my social medias. Brad said once he’s never seen me look at him the way I look at matt. Which made me so sad, I feel so bad for brad, he tells me every once and a while he’s still really hurt but hides it. This is what is making this so hard. I can’t hurt him, I don’t even want a relationship with anyone else but damn why can’t I stop thinking about matt?

I would like some direction. Has anyone been in similar situation? Any thoughts are welcome 🙂