Dear sweet Sweet:
You wrote that I may be thinking you are stupid for having felt great and later feeling not so great- not at all! I’ve been saying all along that you will be feeling lower, that feelings change, that distress will return. It is how it has to be, no other way, being human.

This is an important point: I used to have this FANTASY that once I “get it” I will feel calm and peaceful FOREVER, that it will be a state of mind, peaceful and calm for the rest of my life, that I “got it.” I held on to this fantasy for years and I got DISAPPOINTED with myself every time my temporary calm and peaceful feelings were gone and distress returned. Every time that happened I felt like a failure, that I did NOT get it after all. Then I tried to “get it” again and so on and on.

If you are in that kind of pattern, please pay attention so you can exit that pattern: there is NO SUCH THING as calm/ peaceful forever after. No such thing is possible for any human. So when we expect the impossible we get disappointed again and again and instead of feeling more and more peaceful much of the time, we add MORE distress. We achieve the opposite of what we want.

What we can achieve as humans is MORE peace MORE of the time. Not always. Not every time we WANT to feel calm and peaceful.

I know the desire – it feels so very good, of course we want to always feel like that. We do not want distress. But we have to accept reality. By accepting reality and working with reality, not against it, we can achieve results that are closer to our fantastic desires: more peace, not always peace.

The key is ACCEPTANCE of whatever we fee. The moment you feel any kind of distress, accepting it means not thinking: Oh, no, here I go again. I failed. Now what do I do? How can I get back the peace of mind? What am I doing wrong? and obsess about the situation itself. The key is acceptance: oh, this is how I feel. Breathe into it. Focus on your breathing- that may calm you down some, not all the way, just some. Accept it- don’t resist, don’t fight it. Don’t add to it.

You are right: hormones do play a part of it, of the feeling of distress or calm, hormones and chemicals in the brain released by the neurons. Over time you can retrain your neurons to release less of the chemicals that cause distress. it is a combination of insight and skills. One insight to achieve is to accept the distress. Here are two quotes from tiny buddha: “Whatever the present moment, accept it, work with it, not against it. Freedom is accepting things as they are.” and the famous: “whatever we resist persists.”

Try it and let me know how you are doing, Sweet.
anita

Dear-Sweet Sweet:
You wrote that i may be thinking how insanely possessive you are. I did not think that at all. I did think: how much you and I have in common. I too hate changes, hate them with a passion. I have great difficulty with newness. That is what I was thinking. Isn’t it interesting how we project into others what we think? You thought that about yourself: ‘I am insanely possessive!’ and you thought that I was thinking that. It was an inaccurate projection, inaccurate ‘mind reading.’ So next time you think someone else is thinking something, ask yourself, if you will, was I (Sweet) thinking this? That way you know what it is that YOU are thinking. THen you can check with another: what were you thinking? Were you thinking this or that? And if the person is honest on the matter, he/she will tell you what he/she was thinking. This way you check evidence before you assume.

I hope you visit overnight the woman you want to visit, and not the one with the babies because the one with the babies may be distracted, or more likely to have her mind elsewhere and not focus on you.

As to your question for me: is ther a way to not think and feel a certain way? Yes and no. No because a thought and feeling will hit you out of nowhere and you cannot control that. Fighting it will harm you. So whatever thought and whatever feeling comes to your awareness-let it be. Don’t fight. Don’t resist.
“Yes” to your question regarding what you do after you accept the thought and feeling. Do you think and think and think about the thought and feeling? Do you act on it? How? All these questions are a matter of your choice, control that with good insight and skills you will handle well.

For example, you feel anxious about your husband’s sleep over. You feel fear that he will —- (whatever). You are worried, anxious, you feel uncomfortable. you hate feeling this way….
First: accept which means give your mind a BREAK and take a few long breaths, focus on your breath without thinking. Do something otherwise relaxing- a short walk? A distraction so to feel calmer.

when you are ready, calmer, that is, think: i am worried that my husbadn—- and/ or I am afraid to be alone….you validate yourself. You say, okay, this is what i am feeling and it is okay to feel this way. I am afraid, poor me…(self empathy, feeling compassion for you as if you were looking at a small scared child, which you are inside).

Then you ask yourself: what do I DO about it?

Maybe at first you wanted to ask your husband questions about his sleepover, questions that you know will not bring you good results as they haven’t in the past, but you are afraid and upset and you need to do something…(take the breaths, distract, get CALMER) You decide not to ask the (stupid, as you called them before) questions. You decided to not AUTOMATICALLY or IMPULSIVELY REACT to your feelings. You are taking a break so that you can think clearly.

After the break, you think: what can I do? Keep your breathing regular and deep as you think. You can think: I am NOT going to ask him questions and every time i feel like asking, i will breathe. even though i feel like doing something, it doesn’t mean it’s good for me to do it, so I am not going to ask questions. Then you think, maybe I will talk to my husband and tell him: I am afraid to be alone but I will handle it. Maybe that way you will feel better by expressing what you honestly feel and at the same time let him know that you are responsible (not him, that will be unfair and a burden) for dealing with your problems. Let him know you don’t expect him to SOLVE your distress only to help by listening… empathetically and holding your hand, let’s say.

So maybe you decide to take the invitation for an overnight visit and even though it is scary, you will try it carefully, paying attention to what is going on, etc. etc.

In other words, you don’t automatically or impulsively react to your feelings. You feel them, accept, relax and think clearly about what to do and what not to do and then you follow with action and then evaluate: did it work for me? What did I learn about myself and about how to function more effectively now, and later.

I hope this is a good enough answer. Let me know if you want me to clarify or re-state anything here. You have a few days before the weekend, time to prepare how to operate to your best interest (and best interest of your relationship). Please think of a WIN-WIN solutions for your husband and you in everything.
anita

Sweet Sweet:
I am so sorry to read this. You mention the stress at your new job. Also you not having a supportive network of family and friends. No wonder things are difficult for you. You felt so good only a few days ago- but as the nature of life is… you will feel good again and bad again and good again… In all this I hope that over time you learn to live more skillfully as you have already started. And I hope your husband is supportive of you and that you learn, both of you, to communicate better, responsibly, respectfully. I am so sorry you are feeling badly and .. the eating and eating- I have been struggling with that for such a long time. Even today. I can’t tell you how DIFFICULT my healing process has been and is but much progress is done, never perfection, never “from now on perfectly.”

Oh, Sweet, I do hope you feel better. I do hope so…I really do.
anita

Dear Sweet:
I feel affection for you. It occured to me as I read your last post above, it being a stressful situation for you and your husband that it is better you don’t have children any time soon. I am sure you thought about it but it occured to me how terribly that would complicate things, making life even more difficult than it is now. I read some of your husband’s acquaintances have babies. I hope you do not get to see it as a solution. You indicated none of that so it is completely coming from me. Better not make things more difficult if you can control it, and not having children at this point can save SO MUCH additional trouble and stress.

That is a lot of walking after work and I see your frustration with working on an entry level. But you and your husband are working for the benefit of the two of you, as a couple. You are in this life together. This is exciting, in a way, isn’t it? You are in it together, and it will be so much better if you learn to work together better, more effectively than you do already. To find ways that your presence in his life gives him energy, not take it away. And same about his presence in your life. There are certain Interpersonal Skills that can greatly help here, one can be called EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. If you communicate with him in these three ways, it will work, as long as he does the same. Before you bring up a subject to him, ask yourself what do you want to achieve? What is your goal? What do you want to feel about him and what do you want him to feel about you? You want to do what is right for you but also what is right for him. Have a WIN – WIN interaction with him, the only kind that works for your benefit.

Even though you are stuck at the moment in an entry level job, at home, with your husband you can progress into high level interactions, advanced, evolved through experimenting and learning. this is also exciting (I find myself excited this morning, as I type this).

You thank me often. My interaction with you is a win- win interaction for me, a win-win online friendship, so thank you as well!

Later:
anita

Dear, dear Sweet:
I am glad you just posted this and maybe you can read this soon after your post. The fights need to stop- it is harming you, it is harming him, it is harming the relationship. There is no benefit to those fights. You must learn to communicate in a way that does not lead to fighting. You can be honest about your feelings, express them to him without blaming him and without leading to a fight. This is what i meant by Interpersonal Skills. There IS a way to communicate EFFECTIVELY, and fighting is not a healthy communication.

Maybe sometimes you feel that you are about to explode and you have to say something (that leads to a fight)- maybe you try real hard not to fight, not to say this or that and you succeed until you can’t take the distress anymore. Maybe in leading to a fight you are trying to help yourself out of your distress, maybe you are trying to MOVE him emotionally into realizing how much you hurt and how much you need his help- so your intentions are good in that you want to relieve your suffering and you want him to help you do so.

But fighting is going about it the ineffective way that brings you the exact opposite of what you want. Have to stop it!

How? Channel your feelings into EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION. Tell him – if the above is true, to the extent that it is true- tell him YOUR truth, how you feel about fighting, how much you want to stop your fights, that you see how cautious and unhappy he is about your fights and that you are miserable as well. Tell him you want to learn how to communicate better, in a non threatening way, without blaming, that the two of you can learn together how to do it.

For example, instead of saying: you make me mad when you … talk online with this woman (just an example) – or Why do you talk to her? Don’t you know what you are doing to me when you have her on your Facebook page? Don’t you care about me? Do you care about her more, etc. Instead of all this say: I don’t like it that you have her on your Facebook. I feel scared or angry and I don’t know if my concerns are valid or if I have the right to tell you to delete her. Can we talk about this? Can you help me figure out what to do…I want to do what is right not only for me but for you as well: I want a win-win relationship….

Of course you are not a bad soul, Sweet. This is why your name is Sweet, isn’t it? (ha ha) You are stressed and hurt and angry at different times and you are lonely and tired and unhappy about work… life is not easy for you- you have challenges. ANd you need good communication with him to overcome- you have very little without a good relationship with him.

Instead of trying to be less dependent on him (How can you be not dependent when he is all you have in the country you are in?) – be dependent but be honest about your feelings with him- tell him kindly, tell him honestly without blaming him, without giving him the job of making you happy (he can’t do it)- he can help him if you make it possible for both of you to help each other.

Turn to him, tell him you know change is not instant but you are wholeheartedly willing to find out how to help each other so both of you can make each other’s life better.

Bu the way, m en don’t like to be told what to do, so that girl on Facebook may mean nothing at all to him and still he wouldn’t like to be told to delete her or anything like that just so not to feel controlled and stripped of his manhood (as in following his woman’s orders).

These fights are bad, but you can change things together through wiser efforts. There are WAYS to communicate differently- it can be a learning experience, teaching each other how to do it.
anita