Dear Blessing,

Thank you for your concern, you are a jewel. Yes I did lot of work on myself. I went to spend a day with my friend. I stayed at her place, not with the one with babies. I went to old friend of mine. Spoke to her for hours, saw movies back to back. And yes I read all your messages and I will apply to them from time to time. Yesterday I have put up a stick note on my cupboard, with few approaches : CALM, step back from the heated moment and think over it, not to be judgmental, E.A.R, WIN-WIN Relationship.
I cannot have MAN to MAN fight with my husband. I need to be graceful and kind and need to communicate to him in my own way. I am glad he had a wonderful time with his friends. And all went well, we need to have frequent breaks like that, to give space to each other. All is well, with healthy mind set, its may be I due for my monthly cycles and these hormones, make you behave in a weird way. I do not want to hold anyone responsible for why am i reacting like this. I know I need to change my thinking pattern.
Thanks for being a part of my life. Thank you.
I have made a thumb rule, at the heated moment, I will remain quite and moreover I will always step back from the moment and will calm myself first. That’s how life moves on. And as far as my job is concerned, I cannot quit the job, the best is to accept the situation the way it is… Then it becomes lot easier to deal with.

Thanks Anita once again and I love you for being there with me.

How was your weekend?

Hey dear blessing,

Life is like a ride, or can say a two wheeler vehicle- we need to balance both the wheels in a way so not to lose the balance.
Oh it is your husband’s second marriage, and how do you deal with that? I can understand how challenging it must be for you.
I have given up, I am really tired and exhausted of putting up with that stress and fear, really I am exhausted. I do not want to fight with him, yes still there are certain things which bothers me to the core, but I am avoiding because when i present it to them, he does not like my way of approaching to him that I am always complaining, and when I say something then he does not like why am i expressing even, and if i do not he misses that as well. Like he wanted to spend too much on kitchen utensils and extras on saturday morning, I did not stop him for anything, because that dialogue he said in our last fight is still in my mind ” You are controlling my life” I have told him enough that we need to balance our finances. So i remain quiet and continued to help him in shopping, everytime he picks something up and he asks me can I, or how do you find this? He was examining my expressions and I was really fine, yes was feeling something inside that we do not need to spend that much money, but I was quite as financial year is ending this month and he will get this money back from his tax and all. wE can claim as he is a CHEF by profession, so he can get some kitchen tools for himself. I continued to be quiet and he said later on, hope its not the silence before the storm, I said no i am perfectly fine with this shopping, you love kitchen tools and i love clothes so its fine, after this i will do my shopping 😉 . after my shopping he made some sarcastic comments too, but i took it in a healthy way, because I remember what happened when i felt bad on his joke of me eating too much, so I know the anger is just for the moment and later on I have to pay huge cost- in terms of time, availability for eachother and then wasting time in making up because its always me who is saying sorry at the end, because I do not want to drag to the next day, and due to which i have started feeling so small, small in terms as if I am the only one who is full of flaws and all. Thats why I continued to remain calm and i laugh on his sarcasm notes, i took it in a healthy way. and then he went for his bachelor’s party. today I was at work and he sent a message to me telling me about sudden change in his shift timings, and for three days, we wont be saying each other because when I finish his shift starts, and he sent a text saying i have got different shifts for the next 3 days i replied saying that is fine, thats okay. He said are you fine with htis, I replied saying yes, absolutely. Then he said can we talk I am on a short break, if possible for me. I rang him and he said we can go somewhere on the weekend, if I want. I reminded him of the dinner invite we have from one of his friend. He said check if that is not confirmed, we cna go out. I didnt say anythigm neither I am believing him, because he normally believes in saying things and he does not do that. Especially such things of taking me out, to have our alone time. He prefers to go out in group and with people along. and i know our car is not in a condition that we can go out and I ended the conversation saying yeah thats fine, we will see once weekend comes.
Thanks Anita for being there with me . I love you.

Stay blessed and healthy.

Dear Blessing,

Not its not really the case, If I agree to go ahead then I drop things there only, because I cannot put up a fake face and still smiling, if I am hurt, I am simply hurt, I cannot put up faces, irrespective of the fact if we have to go somewhere and we just had a fight, until unless we do not resolve, I cannot be not be normal until unless I speak and discuss. Now the silence is due to “tiredness” Enough of fights, now its more or less the acceptance. What should I do, he himself while shopping said, when I was after him to buy something for himself and he said no I do not want that and he said why are u after me for buying something, I dont want to. Then i said fine, in a humurous way, I said dare you buy something now. And he smiled and said , you know we have reached the stage in marriage, where you ask me to do something I do no do it, and when you dont I feel like asking you. And I smiled back at him and said, yes darling I know that. And moreover we hardly have time now, when I finish my job, he starts his job. I feel exhausted and drained, due to this over thinking. ANd I have almost forgotten to live my own life, to care for my own happiness, busy thinking about whom is he chatting with, is he still watching porn, does he still delete his messages, They are baseless. As i said fear is the illusion, i know they are there, I mean i feel insecure, its solely not my problem, he is involved too in this in making me feel like, he is responsible too in making me feel that way. But LOVE is something I can see in his eyes, probably we miss out in recognizing because of the human tendency, they do not thank what they have, they crib on what they do not get. For this entire week, till thursday he is starting his shift when I am finishing mine, so we just do not have time, and consciously I am not fighting, he wanted to shop fine, then I wanted to buy something for myself, thats altogether different thing that how much we spent on ourselves. And that’s fine, honestly cannot fight over such things, even yesterday he missed on texting me, I cannot force someone to remember me or moreover cannot force him to do that. Its alright, the best is to accept what you have in your lot. If I continue to keep finding problems in everything, this will become my habit sooner or later.. I want to be happy, I do not want to think and keep thinking and then to deal with this hormonal imbalance. See once of his friend(married though) has recently moved to this country and sunday night she sent him a text asking for his number on FB. and he I was with him, and he told me abut her that she has moved here with her husband and asking for my number, should we help them. I said yeah fine go ahead, but he did not reply to her at that moment, or can say probably not in front of me.. Anyways I feel female thinks alot, he must not have any such intention but I am just telling you how I took that , how I respond to that situation because normally I used to just lose control on myself and on my behaviour. Anyways and last night when he was on his break in between his shift, he called me to ask how is it going at home, and all. So he told me, his friend called and I said which one, he said the one asking for number, I asked oh you have given her the number he said yes. I said okay. He said she is looking for a job and all that. He started telling me what conversation they had and after that I spoke nicely and said fine, will make the dinner for you and you can help yourself once you come back home. Thats hwo we ended all politely, else I do not normally have control on myself, had it been earlier I would have then and there mentioned why didnt you reply to her when we were together. But I did not because I knew he would have taken that in a different way, if he wants the manipulated ME then thats fine. He cannot take it on face, thats alright. I stay calm and said you can invite them for dinner. He said yeah I have already asked them to come over. Anyways the reason for telling you is this that ” I am controling myself, I do not want to be spontaneous, when I was not working, I had so much time to make up for hte things, I could have asked anything anytime, Now I have realized if i continue to have that attitude, things hurt too much probably because deep inside he also knows we have less time for eachother and its a kind of irritating for him too. and boy’s do not normally express. And if i continue to express the way I used to, then things are different now, because we do not have much time, and in this senstive time, things hurt both of us too quickly, or you can say instantly and then we take our own time to make up. earlier we used to resolve instantly. So I have given up and more of it I have accepted. I might bring this thing sometime later that why couldnt you reply in front of me, or may be it is not of that importance, that’s fine. When the similar thing happens to him , he would then realize. I am not saying that intentionally I am gonna do tit for tat. But I need to find out the ways to communicate. And also I need to look for the ways to have this relation in my life, not to do certain stupid things. And I am trying to give my shot.. And sometimes, there are things which are meant to happen. Destiny has decided to keep us together, then I should work towards making it more stronger, rather than destroying it.
Rest, I am exhausted also because of running after petty thoughts. I just wanna be ME. If I deserve to be loved, I will be loved and respected no matter what.
Just because of the things hardwired in childhood, does not mean the present has to face the repecussion of that. Life is all about mind-set, you need to set your mind right, and follow your heart, it will hopefully never be wrong. Align your heart with your mind 😀 😉

Thanks for being there Anita. I love you blessing.
How was your Sunday. I would love to hear your experiences on that!!!

Looking forward to your reply.

Love you blessing.

Hey dear Blessing
Sorry for such a big post and sorry for confusion. Yeah I meant the same, that I am tired of thinking minute things, Life is quite bigger than all this. And hopefully I will be successfully be able to re-wire my brain. Love, kindness and patience can let you win anything I believe. So keeping that in my mind, and with the E.A.R. concept. I am practicing to be calm and polite.
Oh yeah my husband is a chef too. I good at Indian food and he is good at Italian Food.
Oh I can understand, its really challenging to deal with. Oh my God, its a task almost. But I am happy that you are in good terms with your husband now. Relationships are our life lines. And yes I totally agree with you on this, that Communication has to be really well between the two…. Just the way of communicating things can save alot and can destroy alot.
Thanks for being there Anita.

You are a gem.
Take care and sleep well
Good night.

Dear Blessing, Good morning.
How are you today? How was the last evening?
yeah, I like this… I know its bit tough, but I m sure not tougher than thinking and feeling unimportant. I don’t like the kind of state I was into. Mind is all the time running and getting nothing out of it. So its better to relax and feel easy, things are not that big, but the way we perceive them makes it bigger. Like today when I was getting into the car, my husband was coming to drop me, the moment i was just getting into the car, he started I do not know he did intentionally to hurt me or what, but he didnt even apologize there after. I felt bad, i remain quiet for sometime, but he initiated conversation, small small questions, he actually wanted to know that again I might have made a face, or reacted to this and not gonna answer him well. initially i felt bad about his behaviour but then I realized if I continue to show this attitude, he will turn off soon and then I wont have time and energy to make him understand and later on ending up apologizing that it was my fault so I gave up. And forgot instantly what happened and started talking to him.
Like we do not have same working hours, and day before yesterday he said that we do not get to spend much time together, on wednesday we will have lunch together. I will come to your office, and now I know he just says things for the heck of saying, he forgets completely after that. So as usual, last night when I was preparing for my lunch for wednesday, I knew he would not remember that, so I made my lunch, because If i say something or express or ask for something I think he takes it in different way, or probably he does not like it. So i ignored that, thought of not bringing to his notice, but I mentioned todday at bed tea that glad i have made lunch , so told him that you said we will have lunch together. He said so what big deal I can come and we can have lunch together. I said na thats fine, because he has one exam to appear for on this coming friday. I told him do not waste your time, as every hour is precious to you, so spend it wisely by studying.
So I have started taking things in a positive way, these are minute things and I know they save alot of time and energy and in return you get a healthy relationship. Thats what I am looking for.
Controlling my mind and working on that. Trying to spend and talk to my friends, spending alone time with myself, yesterday I meditated for about half an hour. My monthly cycle has delayed this time, hope nothing that sorts. Crossing my fingers for that, will get the tests done hopefully this weekend. I do not want that now, I have already had one abortion that just right after my marriage, just a month later and second was a miscarriage 4 months back.
Anyways “Feeling better, Getting Better and Staying better” — Thats the motto.

Looking forward to hear from you

thanks for being there blessing.
Stay blessed
Take good care of yourself.

Hey Good Morning Blessing,

How are you feeling? Why do you take too much caffeine, I have reduced that too, being a typical Indian I am too much addicted too Tea. And after coming here I have started taking too much coffee, which sometimes i feel is not good. In India, I used to take hot water quite often and now i need it more. Anyways take good care of yourself, i have realized off lately that health is truly a wealth, initial it was just a phrase for me, or can say did not understand the true meaning of this, but now i feel that yes, if you are healthy , you are capable of doing anything in this world.

Coming back to me, the way he started car he normally does not do that. It could be just that I was getting late and he was waiting for me in the car, he does not like me getting late, everytime, i have noticed, whenever I get late for work or for parties he loses his temper sometimes or make faces. Anyways so I assumed probably he did that because I was delaying or could be just like that. It was not intentional.. God knows.I could have said, but I felt something bad, and i did not want to fight, thats alright but yes if he will repeat that again, I am surely gonna mention this.

Coming to the lunch date: yes he does that very often, and if say you just mention and you forget after that, he says why do you make me feel as if something has been said than I have to follow that by any means. I mean i do not know how to take that, initially i had so much trouble dealing with it, because I am one person who would say something only if i mean to. but thats fine, probably he says to make me happy for the moment. because he knows due to different working schedules we do not get time for eachother and these days I am not even expressing the anger. I am behaving well, so probably because of that he said we will hve lunch together. He though came yesterday, because he wanted to have a hair cut from the near by market and we met in my lunch break and had coffee together, that’s is why I have stop reacting and I am ready to go with the flow. With the positive approach.

Coming to my pregnancy : I have had abortion couple of months back or and yes I am not prepared for the pregnancy at the moment, do not know. If it is really that, i do not have such feeling though, because i know how it feels when you are pregnant. Anyways I am not getting that feel, and moreover, we both are not prepared, my husband does not want me to go for abortion at the same time he does not want to have a baby. wE have never discussed on this because we know we are settling down now, it will take its own time, to settle down financially to a new country and now emotionally and mentally as well we both needs to be stable. So that’s is why, he might call my mother in law here but I am really not prepared. I know I am turning 30 this year and this is the age to have, because my husband is 34 already. But i do not want to believe in those myths and I want to be in healthy state of mind to have a baby.
So probably next year, when we both would be financially, mentally and emotionally settled. but I am really worried and scared of abortion, but the last one i got thru was medical abortion and had so much, so we both are afraid of that. But believe me, i do not have such feeling, normally they never get delayed and this time its just got delayed by 3 days so lets see. Crossing my fingers for that.

Thank you blessing for being there.
Take good care of yourself darling.

Looking forward to hear from you

Dear Blessing, yeah i do not mind sharing the email address but yeah the same thought the wrong ones may not get it. I would love to share my email address with you.
Now coming to you- the coffee incidence, I am also like that, I cannot say I was like that because that would be too early to call it “I WAS” but yeah the reason for me not reacting now too much on such petty issues is my job and less amount of time with eachother and I have realized we used to fight over such small things earlier, and I had ample of time to make up to make him understand, now we hardly have time. And after the fight i do not feel good, uncomfortable and then spendin hours or days without resolving or with frictions because of less amount of time. I cannot afford that. and its not a new country for my husband he has been here from last 8 years, its new for me, because I have got married and migrated here.
And he is a confident man, I do not feel man feels insecure or they have some sort of fear. only females are too emotional or emotion driven human being thats why they tend to have that feeling of losing and all.
But I am really feeling nice and good, since a week when I have realized that the fights only bring friction and bitterness, just a matured step of handling the matter and issues can save a lot, can save your time, energy and you can have more good and lovely time together…
We can share emails but should I leave my email address here.

Take care of yourself blessing. I feel its all about the positive feeling, and feel good factor. There are things which do hurt me now, but they do not to that a big extent, i still take it in a positive way, because I cannot afford to fight with him, I do not want to waste a day or so. There are ways of communicating your message, you just need to know the right approach. Hope I continue to be like this. Thank you Anita.

Hope all is well with you, how are you feeling today?
Take good care of yourself.

I am looking forward to hear from you

Hey Blessing, good morning
Yeah, I do not know about this forum and the privacy of it, my husband does not know about this conversation. Anyways will see how to fix this.
Yeah, because I have realized that with fights I waste my time, ultimately i have to resolve and make things normal, then why not to do it then and there itself. I cannot afford to waste time, I know the uneasiness I have after the fights, I do not want to deal with that while being at work. So thats why the ideal approach is to resolve and make yourself understand, its alright, if he is not been able to understand I cannot do much about it. Had an issue today in the morning as well, but that’s fine. I did not apologize because I was not wrong, but I made sure that I should resolve before I leave. Because ppl are not bad its the circumstances or the situations they behave in that way and even if its his fault what should I do.. should i spoil my weekend waiting over this that he will come back to me with a sorry. WAs that thing really big, and yes it hurts the way he said today in the morning, could have been more politer but that’s alright. Not the end there, to have a smooth journey I need to let go of small small things, because I continue to hold these issues, I will never learn things in life, life will continue to put those challenges to me until unless I learn a lesson out of it. And I have a realization with today’s incident I can say that I do not only say it for the heck of it, I am believeing and I have started acting on it… Because I lost temper initially but I held myself and communicated in an angry way but slowly and gradually lower the tone and said lets not stretch it…
Anyways and as far as fear is concerned, I do not think this at all, infact I wont believe that my husband has the same kind of stupid fears that I have. I do not know if he has any other.
Looking forward to hear from you