I hope this is easy to follow , I’ve never talked with anyone about this EVER so forgive me if it’s too lengthy .

I’m 19 years old and I graduated high school last year. I’m not in college and I’m unemployed . I’ve went through 4 jobs and I’m starting to think they failed because of my social anxiety. A little background about me , I grew up with my mom dad and older sister . I have many more brothers and sisters as well , but they are much older . My dad and Mom were always arguing and my mom took me my sister and her to many different homes and shelters but we always came back.

My depression started in 7th grade , I was at a new school and I was alone and miserable . I was also being bullied but not too bad. When I went back to my public school in 8th is when I was bullied heavily about my petite size . High school got better by 11 and 12th grade years . I’ve dropped many fake friends . I was even bullied by a couple of friends about my dark skin. At home though is where I think the main cause of my depression came from . My mom and sister always argued back and forth with each other while growing up. And I’ve always been pushed into the background. My mom never cared about knowing how I was feeling or anything she just asked me about my grades and that would be it . We never actually had a good mother daughter relationship. I just knew she dragged me along with her whenever she would leave my dad. I would always beg to stay with my dad because I’m such a daddy’s girl. But she always forced me to go with her wherever she goes. She’s always forced me into things I didn’t want to do. And whenever I told her about my passion for music she didn’t care and she was upset about it for some time. Now I’ve graduated high school and my main goal was to not let my mom control me anymore but she found her way back under my skin . Downing me and controlling my moves . My grandmother and dad died last year and it’s made my depression worse . But not as bad as my mom . Now my panic attacks have gotten worse and they happen after arguments with my mom or disagreements we have . I stay to myself all the time in my room. And lately I’ve been having iron problems and i caught a cold . She blamed my health issues on my dog and she talks about how I stay in my room all the time or she talks about how I need to be in school. Whenever my mom tells me to do something I have a habit of doing the opposite. I’m not sure why. It seems like my mom is always upset with me , even over the little things. And what’s crazy is , she talks about how I must go to school and things but she has her grown son living here now , he has kids he doesn’t even take care of and he has no job. But yet she’s always putting me down and making me feel worthless . And it’s like that with all her sons. She treats my sister and I different because we don’t do things her way and it makes me so angry.

I really just needed to vent because things with my anxiety and depression has worsened and I feel like it’s because my mom is always forcing me into doing things I dont want to do and from her talking down on me. I know this isn’t as serious as most of the threads I see on here but I really need someone to talk to and tell me it’ll be okay. Because after every panic attack or during one after a argument with my mom, I get suicidal thoughts and they’ve been getting worse and worse each time. The last time I was closer to going through with than I’ve ever been and it scares me . I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or not but Someone please respond , thanks .