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Mike.
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March 28, 2016 at 10:23 am #100279
andreaParticipantHello I’m new to this site I guess I’m in search of coping. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 9 years. I cheated on him and he find out and he left the house he went back to the house to get some of his stuff and we talked and he is very hurt he told me I destroy him as a man and now he needs to find his self and boost his self esteem. I told him I was sorry that I wanted to fix things that the other guys didn’t mean anything to me that it was nothing serious, it was just a flirt type of thing we never did anything we talked on the phone and we met up a couple times but that was all but he said he doesn’t want anything to do with me and that he cant give me what I’m looking for. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed, I want him back and I’m doing everything not to contact him to give him his space but he text me just for some random things I want him back and I need to give him his space but what do I tell him when he text. We have a 4 year old son that I had to explain that daddy is gone because mommy hurt daddy. Our relationship has been rocky we have both cheated on each other and we made it work I told him I was willing to go to couples counseling to help us move forward but he told me he never wants to be with me again and if I love him like I say to stop being selfish and let him go but I cant this is so hard. I just need help or advice on how to deal with this because I don’t think I have strength to.
March 28, 2016 at 10:50 am #100285
MikeParticipantHello Jedaja,
Sometimes time and space are needed in order to sort things out and get a better sense of ones own feelings and understanding of the situation. I have been on the cheated end more than once in my life. I have never cheated or disrespected any of my partners. My last 2 relationships ended because of such reasons. 1 lasted for 8 years and in that time I was cheated on twice by the same person.
The first time though it hurt me tremendously I tried to work things out. I was willing to talk or do what ever it took in order to keep us together. 8 years is a long time, not only was it a long time but it was also many great times. Sadly all the trying and effort did not matter. It happened a second time and by then my hurt was unbearable. I would have more than likely tried again but managed to convince myself that it was over between us.
The second relationship that lasted 2 years was different in circumstances but it still had the same outcome. I caught her in the act. We were texting back and forth while I was confirming my suspicions. In those texts I was told how much I was loved and how much I was missed. I had asked where she was and she replied at a clients house. She immediately got defensive and asked why I was asking where she was. I replied with a picture of her car at his apartment.
I still tried with her to work things out. I was told by her that she was there with others and not alone with him. Once doubt is placed in your mind it is very difficult to get rid of it or hold it at bay. It also makes you lose faith in the one you love and that doubt has the tendency to follow you through out your next relationships.
I would suggest trying the time and space. You have said that this has happened before to both of you and by both of you. I would suggest some serious soul searching on both parts. Why are you both cheating on each other and for what reasons. I am no expert but it sounds like something is missing and you both are seeking it from others. Look inside and find out what that missing thing is and confront each other about it. Work on finding it in yourselves other than finding it from someone else.
Time and space as difficult as that may be is worth a try for both of you. If you have friends talk with them about things because it will keep you from going insane wanting to talk and text with him. You are using this forum as well. Let that help you as well.
I hope my words help you and I wish you both the best.
March 28, 2016 at 10:57 am #100286
AnonymousGuestDear jedadja:
Please always focus on your son as your first priority. He is the truly innocent party to the turmoils in the relationship between you and the boy’s father.
No matter how you feel, as devastated as you feel, your child deserves a calm, safe home for his mental well being. Please provide him such a home. It is not important if he gets any material luxuries. It is most important that he feels safe and loved, attended to with empathy and caring.
As to your boyfriend, he told you he wants to end the relationship, then respect it and see your relationship as girlfriend/ boyfriend as a thing that just ended and work on a positive co parents relationship with him in the future.
As devastated as you are, you have to be strong because you are a mother. And because to get better, strength is necessary. You feel badly and you will be feeling badly, and you can endure those bad feelings, suffer them and continue to survive and function well as a mother.
You can start making more sense of your life in all areas. Let there be space in this bf/gf relationship, let it end and hopefully, soon enough your thinking will be more clear and you will be calmer.
Share here anything you’d like during this time…
anita
March 28, 2016 at 11:00 am #100287andreaParticipantThank you so much I already know what it is that I was not getting from him and after asking a begging for it for so long I got tired, I was not getting the attention from him I felt unwanted and unappreciated and I did so much for him, not that it justifies my cheating but that is how I felt. I’m willing to give him space but I just don’t know how if when I don’t text him he text me with something unrelated and we have a 4 year old son that is very attached to him so I don’t know what to do. I Offer for us to see a counselor but he is hurt and don’t want nothing to do with me.
March 28, 2016 at 12:05 pm #100289MikeParticipantOkay now you are going to have to forgive me here because I am going to possibly say things that may hurt. I am by no means trying to do so. If there are things I write here you don’t understand ask and I will clarify.
If you know what you needed, if you asked him for it and he did not give it or respond to it is that really love?
To me love and relationships ships are 2 way streets. It takes both to make it work. It can not be just one it has to be equal on both parts and if it is not it will not work. As harsh as that may sound please just stop and think about it for a while.If you continue to try and he refuses or does not this is going to keep happening again and again. Don’t accept something just for the sake of being with someone. Be with someone who will give you what and all you need. Please don’t settle. Think of your child when you think of just accepting this.
To me the 3 easiest words to say are “I love you” anyone can say those words. The 3 hardest words to say with true meaning behind them are “I love you”
How many people do you know that toss those words around like nothing? How may do you know that mean them when they say them?
Not sure about you but I don’t know very many at all. I have seen and known many one sided relationships and very very few true loving committed relationships.
Let me explain to you why and how I see this the way that I do.
I am your proverbial nice guy. I am the one who opens doors so you can walk through, I am the one who opens a car door for you, I am the one who remembers all the little things that brings a smile to your face, I am the one who remembers all the dates and times with out reminding, I am the one who sends flowers for no other reason than to make you smile, I am the one who is proud to hold your hand walking down the street…. Okay by now I think you have got the picture =)
I have listened to so many women say how they wish they had such things or a person who would do such things all of my life. This is my way of life, this is what I believe and nothing or no one will make me change or give that up.
All of my relationships have ended due to cheating. I can count my relationships and partners on both hands and still have a couple of fingers left. I have no idea why they went the way they did. I have asked many and many times as to why or how come and none have given me an answer than “it wasn’t you it was me”
In those relationships I had chances and opportunities to cheat and I am proud to say I never have. If I say those 3 words I mean them. They are not toilet paper to me they are sacred.
I base this response on things I have been through and seen. Settling will get you no where but hurt. It will take away your confidence and destroy you from the inside out. I know I have been there and I currently live there.
Find what you seek in one and one only. If you can not find it in one move on until you do because you deserve just that. Don’t compromise or settle for anything when it cones to love. It is all or nothing at all. If you settle or compromise you are only setting yourself up to be hurt and used.
Mike
March 28, 2016 at 12:21 pm #100290andreaParticipantMike thank you and I totally agree with you that I shouldn’t settle for less but deep down I know I love him and I know he loves me I think we can make it work if he is willing to try for the sake of the kids and I have to say that after I started the fling with the other guy he sensed it and was more closer to me and gave me more attention than I expected and that is when I ended things with the other guy to give my relationship another try, we was doing good and that is when someone told him everything and he left the house without talking to me or anything, the thing is I don’t know what they told him and what was said and he wont tell me. I’m very close to his family and I feel like they all hate me right now for what was done. I just want to get my family back and do what it takes to make it work and I feel like I have lost that opportunity. Deep down I have the believe that he will come back but in my mind is telling me that I have lost him. I’m confused I want to give him time and again I don’t know how because if I don’t text him he will text me saying something about our son.
March 28, 2016 at 12:40 pm #100291MikeParticipantI understand. You have to do what you feel is best. What I wrote was only my opinion. Take from it what you wish. In the long run it is you who must decided what it is that you wish and need to do.
If you need an ear or in this case a pair of eyes mine are here for you.
Best Wishes
Mike
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