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July 7, 2015 at 11:35 am #79468
GenParticipantHello All. This is my first post on Tiny Buddha and I’m sure it will not be the last. I apologize for the long post and I’m not sure if this is the right category but thanks in advance for reading!
I’m going through a time in my life where I feel lost and confused and I’m trying to pinpoint my purpose in life. Just to give some background throughout my life to help you understand the lens I’m seeing the world through.
· I’ve dealt with Depression and I only recently over the past year and a half decided to make real changes in my life for the better (attempting therapy and medication)
· I’m a perfectionist
· I have a pattern/habit of quitting things that I’m not good at
· I try not to but I care quite a lot about what people think of me even strangers that will literally never see me again
· I’m afraid of failure
· I need other people to support my thoughts/opinions/ experiences for them to be valid. In other words I don’t have a strong sense of voice or intuition.
The problem= I’ve always done things that were expected of me and I’ve never really been passionate about school, jobs etc. I’ve really just gone with the flow or whatever I was good at I went with. Now an adult I’m having trouble figuring out what I’m passionate about and what I should pursue career wise.
· For example during high school I never really thought about college until my Junior or Senior year and when I did I didn’t have any particular school I wanted to go to I just sort of went with what my guidance counselor suggested and also applied to a nearby school that my best friend was going to. I wound up attending the nearby college with my best friend. I was excited because she was going there but I never really thought about why I personally wanted to go there until now (Years later I’m now 26). From there I went to graduate school in a specialized field of psychology and honestly wasn’t too excited or passionate about that either but managed to graduate with a really high GPA. I figured that maybe I wasn’t too interested in classes but the job would be better.
· While in graduate school I got a job with a prestigious company that paid better than all my friend’s internships doing technical support and something semi related to my graduate study. My parents were proud my friends were envious but happy too but I hated it! My manager wasn’t that skilled in managing people but was a nice guy, hours sucked (got my schedule the day before and could be anytime from 8am until 8pm), we were understaffed, and health benefits weren’t offered but I did have amazing coworkers that I was sad to leave. I wound up getting a job in HR with a retail organization for lower pay but I figured it would give me the experience I’d need to get my dream job. I didn’t like that position either due to poor management (had to call employee relations on my manager due to verbal abuse), low pay, heavy administrative work, a total of 1 peer who said he doesn’t like to be friends with people he works with, and the hours (worked every other Saturday and alternating 10-7pm). And I again felt no passion towards the work but I thought that had to do with the fact that I didn’t like the position.
· So I got another job this time in a corporate environment with a prestigious company that paid be more than double my salary, with a beautiful view, good benefits, great title, and the promise of more responsibility that didn’t involve administrative work. I figured this would be my chance to make some friends at work, be passionate about my work, and like coming to work every day but I was wrong. I currently have an expensive 2 hour commute door to door, a total of 3 managers one who is a micromanager that doesn’t hesitate to make you feel like crap if you make a mistake or constantly pesters why work isn’t done even though your workload is heavy; one who is hands off but gives absolutely no details and guidance; and one who is fairly new so depends on my heavily, One coworker who does not like me, and the uptight corporate atmosphere where it’s mostly quiet because no one talks to each other. My onboarding consisted of my manager giving me the handbook the first day and telling me to read through it and then 1 day of “training” with one of managers who trained me on items that I didn’t even wind up doing and my coworker who was jealous and would not help me or would give me incorrect information on purpose to sabotage me (which I didn’t realize until about 2 months in. I’m now 7 months in) It has been an emotional roller coaster. At times I would be so stressed out and paralyzed by fear I wanted to quit on the spot and again I don’t feel any passion towards the work I’m doing. I sit in meetings bored and have nothing to contribute because I’m not interested at all.
I’m now working with a recruiter to get another position in my field but now I’m wondering if I get a job in this same field will I experience the same issues/anxiety. And in that case I’ll be right back where I started. Or am I just having an unlucky streak with jobs and need to just stick it out? I think the reason I lack passion in my career is because I don’t feel like I’m doing something meaningful by sitting at a desk 9 to 5 but it’s what society expects you to do. But I have this feeling that I want to pursue writing a book or illustrating a book and traveling but I’m not sure if that’s fear or the desire to escape reality and stress and maybe there are some constructive things I could be doing to make life in this career field better. Writing and drawing were my first passions as a child but society and my depression convinced me that these are just hobbies not things you can make a comfortable living off of. I do still enjoy writing but because of my depression I feel like I don’t have the skills or training to be successful at writing and make a career out of it. I’m not sure if this desire or voice I hear is intuition or fear and I’m feeling stuck between pursuing the career path that society/my family expects that I went into thousands of dollars of debt for or pursuing a non-traditional career but the possibility of failing and having my family, friends, or future employers (if it doesn’t work out in that field) look at me as irresponsible and a failure. I feel stuck in this life because of how I feel people will view me and the amount of debt I have that I feel is preventing me from attempting to pursue writing as a career path.
Even though I believe that I’m capable of learning anything there’s a lack of motivation to even try pursuing writing as a career or even generally a life I want because I think I’m doomed to fail. It’s weird because I see people who are pursuing these non-traditional careers that seem successful and instead of me thinking “wow that’s awesome I can do that” I get depressed and think that I can’t do that and that person got lucky they had no debt or they had the support of significant other. There’s always some type of excuse.
I apologize for the rambling but any advice, comments, or specific steps you took in dealing with a similar situation are appreciated!
July 7, 2015 at 2:32 pm #79469
AnonymousGuestDear Gen:
I read your post and I have nothing in mind and yet I am responding. Perhaps i am responding because it is something for me to do; perhaps I think something of value will come up in me and/ or I think you would like a response, that even if I have nothing to say, it couldn’t hurt. Let’s see- something does come to mind: pay attention to the little things of what you are doing in life already, AS IS, at home and at work, see what of your tasks you like, what you dislike, what motivates you, what hinders you, make a list of those things (you pointed things in this post already). Learn about yourself MORE, not postponing that learning to a time when you WILL make a big move or take a big risk like pursuing writing adn illustrating but NOW in YOUR life AS IS.This is MY INTUITIVE reply to your post. Pracitcally, you have a debt. I highly recommend paying off this debt before risking a writing and illustrating path instead of what you are doing now. Figure out how much time you will need to do what to pay off this debt and in the meantime, as you are being practical (earning what you need to pay off debt) learn more about yourself.
What do you think about … my intuitive reply to you?
anitaJuly 8, 2015 at 2:07 am #79491
ArtParticipantHi Gen,
I’ve never posted or replied on Tiny Buddha before either, but I’m glad I felt so compelled to read your post since its pretty much what I’m going through. What’s funny is, I was gonna post something similar a few months ago, but I’ve learned a lot since then and hope I can help you a bit too.
I’m also a writer, who at 25 has just realized how much creativity is my calling and not just a hobby. I’ve been depressed since high school. I loved music, dance, and especially writing but couldn’t find the heart or motivation to keep pursuing it for fear of getting my hopes up and just failing. I’m also a perfectionist, and its terrifying to think there is even a slight chance that something I love and feel so deeply would turn out terribly wrong at my very own hands. So instead, I put my energy into working extremely hard…at things I didn’t care to fail at. What’s worse was, I ended up excelling at them.
I actually pursued journalism, which I know gave me some sort of writing chops but didn’t satisfy my need for depth of emotion and creativity. I got great internships, on campus leadership roles, and a group of well meaning but slightly arrogant friends. My friends were also creative, but somewhat snobby about it, if that makes sense. I’m a bit abstract in my tastes; for example, I’d like this really obscure painting or poem and if they couldn’t easily intellectualize it as cubism or lyrical or something they wouldn’t consider it meaningful. I felt like expressing myself freely was never gonna be possible, and although their way wasn’t wrong, I just didn’t like being creative around my friends because I was a bit weird and “unfocused” to them. I ended up with bad writer’s block after graduating, it was like battle with my own mind. So I stopped writing, and I got a job with a nonprofit. Eventually, I got depressed again. I thought it was just stress and I was having trouble adjusting to this new “adult” lifestyle. But about a year in, I became the most anxious and depressed that I had ever been. The org had a great purpose, but these micro-managers (yes, they exist in the nonprofit world too) kept pushing me to complete tasks in somewhat unethical ways just so they could qualify for grants so they could get paid and do the whole thing over again. So I thought changing organizations would help and I did that, about 3 times. I realized that the structure of the 9-5 job was really getting to me. I have discipline, but I really wanted to daydream more. I wanted to create ideas. I didn’t know if that meant I was just being lazy or just..weak. I felt no one took me seriously, I felt guilty, like it meant that I was being selfish because 9-5 was hard for me. But in the end, I finally got fed up, started freelancing instead, and had time to think for myself.
That time (about 5 months) was what I truly needed. I think you might be a strong empath like me, as I get very sensitive to others’ opinions too. The hard part for me isn’t so much not believing their opinions, but just remembering to listen to my own inner voice and taking their comments with a grain of salt. As a social person, its hard to take time out for yourself without feeling guilty. But it helped me recharge, calm down, and listen to my own needs. I told my closer friends I was having a hard time with depression and needed a bit of space, and the good ones understood. I finally had time to be passionate about my arts again, just for me. I wrote terrible things, was really bad at painting, sucked at the guitar, and LOVED it because no one was really there to tell me I was terrible and I was motivated to actually IMPROVE. I had no one around to compare myself to. You eventually do need the push of constructive criticism, but you can’t even get there if you don’t find the passion again. I spent days doing yoga, running, listening and playing more music…and also, separating myself from the friends who drained me and were too overbearing. I don’t know how this will play into your life schedule, but I suggest you take some much deserved time out for yourself and just listen to you. Realize the people who may be energy vampires sucking the life out of you, and separate them from the people who are more openminded and motivating you to reach your true potential. Also – write it out. Journal. Practice listening to yourself. You should know why you’re feeling a certain way, and make time towards help yourself find passion for life in general again with more energizing, positive activities.
I think I understand what caused your internal “intuition vs. fear” debate. You’re obviously very bright and a hard worker who is also quite empathetic, which is why you care so much about others’ opinions. So, you’re gonna have the ability to keep working and advancing towards something, whether or not you actually see it as your calling. But just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you have to for the rest of your life. Most people have a few things they wouldn’t mind pursuing in their life. They may get a bit confused, but they make time for it whether it becomes a 40hrs/wk sort of thing or a weekend thing. I suggest you try writing and drawing more, in a space where you can be more alone to express you freely. If you find yourself perfectionist or impatient with your progress, take a time out. Maybe even go in saying “I’ll make something completely terrible today.” Everything you make afterwards will just seem loads better. Self-esteem booster 😉 Keep your end goals in mind, like maybe becoming a blogger/traveler, but remember to keep your more immediate goals more at focus, or else you’ll just keep focusing on what you haven’t achieved yet. Think of “I’ll write these many posts a week and learn to edit my writing” instead of “I have to be a popular blogger by this age”. Also, think about the people you’re surrounding yourself with. Find more positive minds to read about or engage with if you can. Shoot, I’d like an update on your progress as well 🙂
Now that I’ve taken my time out to re-center myself, I’m actually open to a 9-5 job again, possibly in a more creative atmosphere like a museum or artsy organization to keep me financially stable while building the creative career I want on my time. With that said, I’m making sure to apply the stress management skills I’ve learned and adjust accordingly if I find it still being harmful to my health. I’m really excited to keep my passions alive and eventually, create full time.
If you end up making a career switch, remember that all your experience – the high, the lows, the depressing – is just more material for creating things that people can relate to. Your old jobs were not done in vain. Think you don’t have skills or training? Well, you have life experience. You have emotional intelligence. Just add a little structure, time, and effort — you’ll be on your way. Good luck with whatever you decide. Please make time to listen to your needs and I think it’ll become clearer from there.
July 8, 2015 at 6:17 pm #79524GenParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my long post and respond thoughtfully. I apologize for the delay in responding! I definitely agree with your suggestion regarding being more mindful in my everyday life to figure out what I like, dislike, or motivates me. I think I’m constantly always doing and never really being because of my work schedule and when I’m not at work I’m distracting myself with TV or constantly meeting up with friends. I think it definitely makes sense to take the time to know myself before making any huge life decisions. Do you have any other suggestions on action steps I can take to get to know myself other than being more mindful? I constantly hear that traveling alone is something that allows you to get to know yourself better. Any thoughts on this?
And regarding the debt I know that the practical thing to do is create a plan to reduce and eliminate my debt before attempting any significant life changes but when you’re in the thick of depression and anxiety all you want to do is escape from the current situation you’re in so practical (in the depressed mind) goes completely out the window as a viable option. But I think it is definitely the most responsible thing to do at this point. Thank you for your reply!
-Gen
July 8, 2015 at 6:21 pm #79525GenParticipantHi Art,
Thank you so so much for your reply! It’s good to know that there is someone out there experiencing something similar but making progress to improve themselves and their situation. I definitely feel like I’ve done the same as you in regards to working really hard and excelling at something you weren’t necessarily passionate about. It’s ironic that we can’t apply that same drive to things we know were passionate about! And I completely understand the whole not expressing yourself freely thing around certain people because I feel the same way about working in a corporate environment. I feel like I’m not being authentic and not being myself and it’s constricting and stressful to constantly have to monitor yourself so that you fit in.
“So I thought changing organizations would help and I did that, about 3 times. I realized that the structure of the 9-5 job was really getting to me. I have discipline, but I really wanted to daydream more. I wanted to create ideas. I didn’t know if that meant I was just being lazy or just..weak. I felt no one took me seriously, I felt guilty, like it meant that I was being selfish because 9-5 was hard for me. ”
This is exactly how I feel. I feel like I’ll wind up getting a new job and it may just be the 9-5 job that is the problem and if I don’t stick with the 9-5 that everyone will view me as lazy or incompetent.
From your reply I’ve gathered the following suggestions here are my comments on them:
Take time for yourself
• I agree this definitely a necessity and it has been my stress management method in the past. Last year I decided I was going to make better choices to be happier. I changed my eating habits, started running, doing yoga, doing the insanity work out program, reading about mindfulness, practicing affirmations, and trying new things that pushed me out of my comfort zone. It worked for about 10 to 11 months when I started to relapse into my current depression onset by my new work situation. I got the new job with the higher pay but a more stressful situation and less time to do those stress management/self-care activities I had when I worked closer to home. I went from 5 hours of time after work to max 2 hours 45 minutes. Instead of doing these self care/stress management things I find myself eating dinner, preparing for work tomorrow, and just mindlessly watching tv and surfing the internet.
• I do have the weekends which I do dedicate to socializing and again relaxing or doing chores around the house that I couldn’t get done during the week. I should dedicate some of this time to my personal growth and need to commit to doing so.Rid yourself of the energy/motivation suckers in your life (haha)
• I have a close friend who recently went through a personal transformation that I used to reach out to for support or resources since she was always constantly working on herself. Last year during the time I was doing really well with myself and my growth I told her about my changes and she said “I’m glad you’ve made changes I honestly thought you’d never change” and it really bothered me at that time and still does to think that someone who is supposed to be your close friend would say something like that when I’ve been trying my best the whole time despite my depression to change. More recently she was talking to my best friend and hinting at that she’s giving me resources/tools to make changes and I haven’t taken advantage of them and basically don’t seem as though I’m trying to make changes. I haven’t spoken to her at all since then and I’m not sure if I even want to.Surround yourself with positive people or read about them
• I originally thought the friend above was one of those people but not so sure at this point. Will definitely attempt to do this. I try to listen to positive pod casts or read articles online or self help books.Journal
• Journaling honestly scares me. Growing up I filled tons of notebooks with nothing but negativity berating myself for all the things I did wrong and how I’m a terrible person. I think it may help me to get to know the real me but I’m afraid of journaling turning into either a pity party or a personal crucifixion. Any tips on journaling so I don’t have an epic self roast session haha.Work towards your passions
• I definitely will it wont hurt to do something I enjoy everyday that I’m not so good at. When I think about jobs I had I didn’t start out as a master I had to work at it everyday so it’s pretty obvious that if I actually work towards my passions I’ll get better.(Just need to convince myself of this lol)Make short term and long-term goals
• Goals in general is something I’ve always struggled with. In grad school I started with the goal of doing well but half way through I noticed I was doing well so I aimed for a 4.0 for my first semester and did it. Other than that I don’t ever recall a time where I set a goal in my personal life or professional life and achieved it or even actively worked towards it. I think it’s the issue of motivation again. I will try the small goals and if I do enough of the small ones I’ll eventually meet the big goal.Lastly, I love this last bit of wisdom you shared:
“If you end up making a career switch, remember that all your experience – the high, the lows, the depressing – is just more material for creating things that people can relate to. Your old jobs were not done in vain. Think you don’t have skills or training? Well, you have life experience.”I constantly agonize and regret decisions I’ve made in the past but this makes me realize that everything wasn’t in vain and that these experiences can definitely benefit me in some way.
I will definitely keep you updated on my progress because there will be tons of it because there is much work to be done!
Thank you!!!!
-Gen
July 8, 2015 at 6:39 pm #79526AnonymousGuestDear Gen:
You mentioned traveling alone as a way to know yourself. I traveled alone, ended up at one point in Paris, many years ago- there I was right by the Eiffel Tower and there was this elevator going up the Eiffel Tower, a Tourist Attraction. i was lonely, bored and depressed. I looked up the tower and thought to myself: I guess it is the thing to do, since I am here, to go up the Eiffel Tower, would be silly if I don’t- I am already here. So I went up – and down- and the experience meant nothing to me. At another place, Belguin I ended up in a small town Dragon Festival, somehow I ended up on someone’s shoulders watching the dragon running around or whatnot. I didn’t see the people I was with there, just that hour or two, or hte man on whose shoulders I was, but at the time I felt so very happy. I felt for that short time that these people were my friends, and maybe the man on whose shoulders I was- wasmy boyfriend and that small town was my friendly town and all was good.I learned now looking back that the way out of depression is connecting with the right person or people, a positive, healthy connection and nothing else. That quality of what feels like love, even for a moment…
You asked what I suggest you can do to get to know yourself. I would say be with people- in a different way, deep conversations, connections- even one person, be real with him or her, what other way is there to know yourself if not through a connection with another? I think it is the nature of the human biology to seek connection and to know oneself through it.
The trick is it needs to be a certain connection, honest, real, personal.
anitaJuly 8, 2015 at 7:02 pm #79531GenParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for your reply. I’ve always felt the same way about connecting with people. When I was in a serious relationship almost 5 years ago with someone I dated for almost 4 years my depression that had been there since I was a kid was ALMOST non-existent. I could be 100% myself with this person and felt completely fulfilled but at the same time looking back I’ve gained alot more insight into who I am as a person after leaving the comfort of that relationship. I don’t know if I would have ever changed anything about myself because that person accepted me flaws and all.I have not had a connection like this since but I do definitely agree that establishing genuine connections and receiving support from people/person will be helpful. Also I do want to try solo traveling but I’m definitely looking forward to being out of my comfort zone and meeting people while traveling. I think being out of my comfort zone will allow me to learn more about myself (at least I hope so!)
Thanks!
-Gen
April 15, 2016 at 10:50 am #101955AnonymousGuestDear Gen:
Nine months after your last post, I wonder if you traveled solo, and how otherwise you are doing? You wrote in your original post that you are sure it will not be your last (thread)- well, feel free to post again (i like your photo).
anita
April 15, 2016 at 3:59 pm #101981GenParticipantHi Anita,
What’s funny is I actually came back to this thread a few days ago with the intent to give an update lol but you beat me to the follow up. I wanted to spend time to give a thoughtful response so that I could help out others who are in similar circumstances but somehow got busy haha. I’ll be writing a post sometime this weekend to give an update. Did want to thank you for caring about how things turned out with me. It shows you are a truly caring person! The Tinybuddha community is lucky to have such a compassionate person. And thanks so much for the compliment! Did take it down as I didn’t realize it was updated haha. Would like to remain somewhat anonymous so I can continue to give details. Thanks again!
-Gen
April 15, 2016 at 6:55 pm #101986AnonymousGuestDear Gen:
Looking forward to your weekend update!
You are welcome and thank you for your kind words, greatly appreciated!
anita
April 17, 2016 at 8:41 pm #102066GenParticipantHi Anita,
As promised here’s my update!
After writing the above post I started trying to work some of the tips you and Art mentioned into my daily life. I’ve bolded both of your helpful pieces of advice in the below paragraphs. It’s long like my other posts though =)
I decided to first learn about myself by getting out into the world. I decided to travel to Japan alone. It’d been a dream of mine for years. Against my family’s protests I decided to take the plunge into solo travel. I got out of my comfort zone and learned a lot about myself in the process. I did things I thought I’d never be capable of doing. I climbed a small mountain, spoke and understood Japanese, found my way around a foreign country, and loved a vacation I took by myself! This trip gave me the confidence boost I needed. I realized that I was capable of so much more than I thought I was. It was also nice to get out of the daily grind and have time to think. I didn’t want to go home! Once I did get home I realized, for sure, that the 9-5 model wasn’t for me. I felt completely myself in Japan, a country where no one looked like me and didn’t even speak my native language, but felt alienated at home working in a corporate culture. I knew that staying in such a toxic place was not good for my mental health and that life was too short to spend another minute doing something I hated. I decided to go with my intuition and quit my job in December. Taking time for myself was what I needed to clarify what I actually wanted in life. Immediately after quitting I was in a state of euphoria. A few days after I still felt great but I still had no idea what I was doing.
I figured I’d work towards my passions. I entered my first writing contest that same month. I didn’t win but it felt good to write again and to know that I was capable of even competing in a contest. I learned a lot from that first contest and I’m glad I had the courage to enter. If you remember from my original post I was a perfectionist and afraid of failure so this was big for me! That same week I started a blog to practice writing and to document my journey. I write blog posts every week and it helps me learn more about myself everyday. I did feel as though I needed to add some structure to this journey so I decided to set some short and long-term goals. In the beginning of the year, I posted 27 goals, one for each year of my life. Each month, I post an update on my progress in a blog post. Many of the goals are centered on my passions and posting them on my blog keeps me accountable. I’m doing a lot better than I expected. Seeing that I’m making progress gives me the confidence to continue work towards my goals. Considering previously I’d often quit things if I wasn’t immediately good at something or I was afraid of failing this was a big deal. My passion related goals are mainly about writing, photography, and traveling (Drawing is still on that list but I’ve discovered that it’s something I’m less interested in pursuing). I’m currently taking a writing class (My work is critiqued each week something I previously feared and avoided but now welcome), I write on my blog every week, and read books and articles online on how to improve my writing. I took a trip to Paris and London in January and headed to Morocco next month. I bought a DSLR camera, signed up for a contributor account on a stock photo site, printed my travel photos on canvas, reading books about photography, and I’m taking a monthly photography class. I also took up journaling to record my journey and document my feelings towards specific activities. It’s been helping me figure out what I enjoy the most and what I don’t particularly enjoy.
I did have to rid myself of an energy/motivation sucker. After a terrible experience with my best friend during my Paris/London trip I decided I no longer wanted to be part of her life. We returned back to the states and haven’t spoken to each other at all. It’d been a long time coming but I was trying to improve our friendship. I realized our hobbies and goals in life were incompatible. She was most focused on drinking, partying, and dating. I on the other hand was focused on improving myself so I felt I had outgrown the activities she enjoyed most. She berated me for not enjoying those activities anymore and made me feel bad about myself. I decided it was best for me and her to go our separate ways. She was one of the few people I had a connection with but it had become toxic for me to continue being friends with her.
I am still trying to find my “tribe” or anyone that I can truly feel connected with but have not found this as of yet. I feel, as though I might have this invisible wall up that doesn’t allow myself to form deep meaningful connections with other people. I find that I’m able to speak to strangers with ease and make friends easily but making a deeper connection with anyone other than my family has been a challenge. I have, however, been reading about positive people and others who have successfully found work they’re passionate about after floundering a bit. It’s inspirational and it gives me hope that I will definitely get there one day.
It’s been about 4 months since I quit my job. I’m currently getting my certificate to teach english abroad and trying to learn as much as I can about photography, writing, and about myself. I’m still anxious about my future and I do have days that I’m depressed. I struggle between self-confidence and self-doubt daily. I still wonder how I’ll support myself or get out of debt. And I’m still uncomfortable with uncertainty. But I do feel much better overall knowing I’m taking action towards building a life I love. It won’t be an easy road but I know it’ll be worth it in the long run.
Here are a few pieces of advice I offer others that are going through a similar circumstance:
1. Take constant action towards your goals. Eventually you will get where you want to be.
2. Learning is important. Learning a new skill or learning about yourself is extremely valuable.
3. Self-acceptance, self-confidence, and self-care is essential. This is your life. No one else has to live with the consequences of your decisions but you. If you realize that something that works for 99% of people doesn’t work for you; you need to accept that it does not have to work for you to be happy. Your definition of success may look totally different from your best friend and that’s fine! Believe that your version of success is 100% okay. And just ensure that you’re being patient with yourself. Change does not happen overnight. If you need a break take it.Thank you again for listening! And if anyone else has any thoughts or advice please let me know.
April 18, 2016 at 11:55 am #102152AnonymousGuestDear Gen:
You followed through with your promised update and what a delight it has been to read it!
You did get out of your comfort zone and traveled, fulfilling a dream you had for years, and against the protests of your family. In so you showed independence and resolution and it worked out for you very well. You discovered that you are not interested in working in the corporate world. You have clearly defined interests which you are improving and active with your own blogs. Your writing is indeed clear and organized and I like it! Clarity is most important to me, simplicity and clarity.
You separated from your friend and find it difficult to form close connections with people outside your family.
Which is making me wonder: what are the relationships between you and your mother, father, siblings? What is there that you find difficult to form with other people?
Thank you for delivering your promised update!
anita
April 19, 2016 at 6:30 pm #102290GenParticipantHi Anita,
Thank you so much for your kind words! I have a really good relationship with all of my family members. I would say my sister is my best friend (only have one sibling). My parents are supportive and there whenever I need anything. They can be critical at times but I couldn’t ask for better parents. My parents do tend to ignore my depressive tendencies. I feel like the signs have always been there but they ignore it. I’ve shared with them about going to see a therapist but their advice was always make sure you don’t go on any medication. If I was in a mood it was implied that I wasn’t trying hard enough to be happy. I think it’s just that they don’t understand and don’t truly attempt to understand what I’m going through like many people who’ve never experienced a mental illness. My sister understands my struggle, not fully, but she tries and she always listens. We are the type of family that goes out of the way for each other though and I’m grateful to have them in my life. I know with 100 percent certainty they all love me unconditionally.
I find it difficult to articulate exactly what my issue is in forming meaningful relationships outside my family. A few years ago in graduate school I was really close with a friend who actually lived with my family and I for a few months. During that time I considered her as my sister. We spent a lot of time together and she just got me. She wound up moving in with her boyfriend to another state and settled into old patterns. She tended to throw herself completely into a relationship neglecting to communicate with other people on a regular basis or even attempt to spend time with other people. I’d text her and not receive a response for days or weeks or sometimes not at all. If and when she’d finally respond there’d be no apology. Sporadically she would reach out (once every few months randomly) to see how I was doing. She usually did this by phone and her boyfriend who I was good friends with would be in the room during our conversations which made me sorta uncomfortable since it was the first time I’d be talking to her for months. I also visited her last year and it was kinda awkward she seemed to want to do whatever her bf wanted to do and if he didn’t want to do it we wouldn’t wind up doing anything. Recently met up with them again when they visited New York City and there was no really give and take in conversation. They didn’t ask how my trip was or what I’m up to since I quit my job. I kinda just shared the information and they didn’t ask many questions about my experiences. I also shared about my upcoming trips and there were no questions. We kinda just spoke about what they were up to. I feel like I’m rambling haha but long story short I’ve stopped trying to maintain this friendship because I don’t feel like she cares and I don’t feel the closeness we once had where I could tell her anything.And also instances when I felt she withheld upsetting things that happened in her life when I’d ask her how she was doing she would reply good and how everything was great. But I would find out months later, when the event had already happened and she was in a better place, that she was going through something. It made me feel as though she was being inauthentic or dishonest. I would share my true feelings with her when she would ask how things were going. If things were awesome I’d tell her. If they were depressing or something sad happened to me I’d share. I spoke to my sister about this and she says that sometimes when you’re sad you don’t even want to think about those events and definitely don’t want to share them with others. I took it as you don’t trust me enough to share. Maybe I’m just taking this personally?
I feel as though I can form connections but it doesn’t go further then talking about the things we have in common and we grab dinner or hang somewhere but i don’t find it’s getting to the point where I can really share my struggles with someone or feel like someone genuinely gets me. I believe this has to do with distance though. I live about 1.5 hours from any of my friends. It’s actually not that far but it requires for me and the other person to make special plans to meet. But regardless no one really keeps in touch with me anymore. I feel like I do reach out to people but not as much anymore because I don’t want to really share that I still haven’t found a secure means of making money or even a set plan for what’s to come. All of my friends are established in their careers so it might be that I’m afraid of their judgement. I guess I don’t trust them enough to not judge me.
I do also have less tolerance for perceived transgressions in friendships. I find I can cut people off easily and not feel particularly bad about it. Case and point my (ex)best friend. I wonder if other people would have continued a friendship with someone they felt they had nothing in common with just for the sake of being friends with them for 10 plus years. That wasn’t the only issue but I felt I couldn’t be myself without repercussions.
I think another issue is my comfort with being alone but not lonely.I spend a healthy amount of time alone and it doesn’t make me sad. In the past, 4 years ago, I would be sad if I had to spend a Friday or Saturday alone. Now it doesn’t bother me at all (I think this might just be because I’m getting older). But just because I’m comfortable doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy others company when I do spend time with them. I just feel as though having connections is not necessary for me to be happy. While I don’t feel particularly sad about this I do feel concerned as I feel it’s normal for people to have at least a few close friendships or relationships.
Not sure exactly how this all connects but I do believe there’s a connection to the breakup I went through 5 years ago. There’s fear there and it has affected my desire to seek a romantic relationship. I have tried over the years but no one I pursued was interested in a romantic relationship.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this! Thanks!
Gen
April 19, 2016 at 7:35 pm #102298AnonymousGuestDear Gen:
I went back just now to your original post and read most of it as well as some of your other posts. In the last, you wrote the following (my comments are in parentheses):
“My parents are supportive and there whenever I need anything (except they did not support your need for your feelings to be attended to and accepted). They can be critical (disapproving) at times but I couldn’t ask for better parents. My parents do tend to ignore my depressive tendencies (again, they do not attend to the feelings in you that they don’t like). I feel like the signs have always been there but they ignore it. I’ve shared with them about going to see a therapist but their advice was always make sure you don’t go on any medication. If I was in a mood it was implied that I wasn’t trying hard enough to be happy (that’s their way to deal with their own depression, ignore sadness, fake-it-till-you-make-it). I think it’s just that they don’t understand and don’t truly attempt to understand…”
As good as parents as you think they are, they weren’t good parents in this regard:
They should have accepted you sad, glad, scared, hurt or mad (the five basic emotions). For example if you were sad that you lost a toy, they should have said: “You feel sad. It is sad when you lose a toy you really like!” And then hug you.
Instead, your parents, from your description, are more inclined to say in this example: “Well, you have other toys, why not play with the train set. Come on, cheer up!”
There were probably thousand such subtle messages your parents (one or both) gave you over the years, so you feel uncomfortable about the “negative feelings”- the feelings your parents disapproved of in you and in themselves. So you repressed them, pushed them down, so to get the approval of the most important people in your life, your parents.
As a result, you are not connected to the emotions you need to make choices with confidence, to find your direction.
By suppressing “negative emotions”- sadness, mostly, all emotions get suppressed, and the emotions you need to guide you in making choices, in getting motivated and in evaluating people and situations are not there.
What do you think so far?
anita
April 19, 2016 at 7:55 pm #102303GenParticipantHi Anita,
You know I didn’t realize that they weren’t accepting of those emotions. But it makes sense that that is what is going on here. I find that I try to ensure I don’t upset my parents because their approval is so important to me. Even today I had a conversation with my Dad about figuring out how to monetize one of my passions. I explained that money is not my sole motivator and it’s not that important to me. And that living comfortably with less material stuff would make me most happy. He argued this was wrong to think this way because then I’ll never make any money. Money he says is freedom. And work doesn’t need to make you happy. You can make money and then be happy doing something on the side. I told him I’m entitled to say whatever I want if that’s what I feel. If I don’t need to have millions of dollars to be happy that’s how I feel. He said well who wouldn’t want a million dollars you cant say you don’t want millions of dollars. I cant remember how I ended the conversation but I felt pretty bad about myself. But then I decided that some of his points like thinking about the amount of money needed to live your life were valid. I know he means well. He wants the best for me. But I guess this is another case of dismissal of my feelings.
I do feel lately I’m a bit detached from feelings. I don’t feel any intense emotions recently. It’s sort of a numb feeling. So I think you are again correct with your assessment.
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