Wanki, I was hesitant to meet him, that is true, but for GOOD reason as my previous posts explained. He shows player tendencies. I wanted to put the brakes on anything casual occurring when we met up, and to see if he WOULD show patience and interest in getting to know me deeper before any physical contact.

Also, by my definition of his broader character and behaviours he is acting sketchy. He adds girls who look like they are still in their teens! A grown man in his 40s! It might not be illegal if they are of consensual age, but definitely doesn’t lend itself to upstanding morals or character!

Hi Anita,

It is exactly like that. Even though he is now a grown man, his maturity is stunted, clearly evidenced by his penchant to engage in a sea of shallow online relationships. He has deep-seated psych issues that likely prevent him relating to another in a healthy way, and those issues of his are not something I am able to fix, nor should I want to fix.

I held him in fond regard from our childhood, even though I hold some bad memories from that time, too. Instead I choose to focus on the good memories, which included him.  He, on the other hand, focusses on the trauma he experienced. I’m not blaming him for that, because that it his decision on how to view his past. He did reveal that whenever he went through dark times, he would think of me, as his time spent with me when we were children was a lovely time for him. That news definitely did touch me, however, I think he is also associating me with the bad memories of the town we used to live in, and subconsciously that is pushing him away. The chasm that is forming again between us is wider than just this one issue. He has  a seemingly unhealthy addiction to women that prevents a meaningful connection from ever happening with me.

I don’t agree with the notion put forth by some here that he has a right to keep adding and interacting with these other women (some who are of questionable character), AFTER he admitted to me he was attracted to and ‘valued’ me. By continuing to interact with and divert his attentions on females elsewhere, he is sabotaging any chance of a genuine relationship happening with a real-life soul, namely me. Someone who cared enough about him to listen during his soul-baring conversations, whereas I doubt many of these other women would give a damn about his real-world problems! It does show me though that he does not have the necessary drive to pursue me, and is easily distracted by the plethora of online temptations that exist. If he doesn’t have the self-control and maturity to moderate his online behaviour when an opportunity is handed to him to advance a real friendship, then again, the connection between us will not be able to withstand that.

Social media for all its merits, causes significant problems for decent women like myself, because it enables men like him to treat women in a disrespectful or disposable manner. But I, too, am part of that problem if I enable the guy through accepting his substandard treatment whilst he chooses to flirt with a horde of other women.

And going back to what Wanki mentioned about how is the guy supposed to know he is meant to be monogamous? I guarantee that even if this guy had already met up with me and we ended up dating, he would have an exceptionally difficult time giving up his much-loved hobby of digitally stamp collecting other females, because this activity of his is bordering on addiction.

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Dee.

Thank you so kindly Anita! You are a wonderful, encouraging person. 🙂 I love the English language, but with time pressures from being a working mother, my writing can get a little hasty and fragmented. I am sure any person with a young child will understand this remark, although I have tried my best to write clearly. 🙂

I think you have really gotten to the heart of the issue, in that he is after the whole fantasy world and prefers to numb out any feelings of discomfort or pain, seeing as he has serious issues stemming from his childhood. Being real with me is not what he is after, and that has become painfully clear going by his actions, or more precisely, inaction!

Something prompted me to write him a short message yesterday, even though I understand you don’t always get the closure you want from doing that. I went with that instinctual feeling, as I felt the need to ask him why he had avoided answering important questions I had asked of him, which he had raised in the first place. And how if he had answered those follow-up questions of mine, it would have helped clarify my understanding of his situation, life, character, and his values better.  Sadly, yet again his response was all about him and he left me to draw inferences, because he never directly addressed my latest question! The inference I gathered by the information he gave, was that he was busy at the moment concentrating on finishing a new vocation course, and even though he had decided it was not for him (yet again I see another sign of unstableness, as he always seems to switch or quit jobs!).

I get that though. At that moment in time when I messaged him yesterday, he was busy attending a course and had little time to reply to me. That is fair enough. However, as I see it, there are 24 hours in a day. And he is not busy enough to find time to sleep or eat, and certainly not busy enough to interact with other women online, but busy enough to build trust in our re-forming relationship and communicating with me on unanswered questions that would have cleared up why he was fired from a previous job, and whether he truly meant what he said about really liking me, to the point of him revealing his sexual attraction to me.

He never offered me an apology, or expressed any dismay about me telling him I had removed myself from his friends list on social media. I figured he was giving me the blow-off, but it gave me some measure of closure in knowing that I tried my best to communicate with him, in part to give him one last chance to explain himself. He was not willing to be mature enough to respond as one would in a two-way friendship that they really cared to try and save.

I don’t plan on reaching out to him again. It’s time I think about moving on, since with guys like him there is always an excuse why they are not present in your life, and someone else is always to blame while they are the hard done by victim in it all. Yes, he did have a bad start to life in some respects, but if he is reforming himself today like he claims he is,  then he still has quite a bit of work ahead of him. Life is too short to over-analyse someone’s every action or inaction towards you. They either step up and meet you halfway to do whatever it takes to make it work or the relationship cannot survive.

Thank you once more Anita for all the valuable advice you have given. 🙂

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by Dee.