Dear Eli:

I suppose your bf doesn’t change on you like your mother did, telling you she loves you and next that she  wished  you were never  born. Unlike her he is quite stable in what he tells you, doesn’t go from one extreme to the other?

Interesting, my mother followed  me too, although I am not sure it is the same kind of following. How did  your does your mother follow you?

anita

Dear Eli:

Your mother is a bad influence in your life, a negative force. I wish you ended contact with her. I did it eventually, wish I ended  contact with her decades before I finally did.

Interesting, isn’t it, that your mother told  you that “you just wasting your time and let guys play and use you”, when it has  been she who has wasted your time, played and used you. It is like… she wants to be  the Only  One to use you…?

anita

Dear Eli:

I know the I-will-die message personally.  My mother used to threaten suicide because, she said, I hurt her so much. I felt very guilty too. I felt like a bad person. It took me decades to figure out, eventually, that… she was/ is the bad person. What a surprise it was for me, when I realized that. I believed I was the bad one, but not so.

anita

Dear Eli:

It is the choices we find ourselves facing: bad  and  not as bad… which one hurts less.

I settled for a lot of “not as bad” situations that were bad. I didn’t know that there was a third possibility, I only knew  of two: bad and worse.

I hope there is a third  possibility for you too. Maybe you don’t see it now, just like I didn’t  see  it for many, many years.

I will soon be away from the computer and  back tomorrow morning, my time. It has become a pleasure to communicate with you recently as we have so much in common (unfortunately for the two of us!). I hope to read more from you, maybe about that third  possibility. Back in about sixteen hours.

anita

You are welcome, Eli and thank you for wishing me good luck. Same  to you. Post again, will you? Back in about sixteen hours.

anita

Dear Eli:

I am glad  you intend to post again. I would like you and I to communicate on and on and on, definitely for as long as you find it helpful. It so happens that at some  point on, I felt that I like you, and I do like you.

I think that you are in a tough situation that isn’t going to get easier any time soon, but over time and effort and learning, your life can become oh, so much better. It is not a matter of resolving this particular relationship with this man that will bring about that better life. It takes so much more.

But one step at a time,  with a lot of patience, it can be done.

Notice what you  wrote yesterday: “Do you think I am happy for share a man with other lady and always live inside fears that maybe (he) leaves me and back to his family and every thing he told  me were  lies“- before you are able to know for sure if he lies to you, you have to figure out the lies your mother told you.

Because a child automatically believes what her mother says, does not question it. And then, as an adult, as a woman, if you still believe her lies, you are unable to know  for sure, who lies to you and what lies are told. It is when you see your mother as a person, not as a god of sorts, that you are  able to see yourself and others clearly.

When “she message and  said oh I will die you never see me again”- I suspect there is a lie there. How did she say that she will die, from what/ how?

anita

Dear Eli:

Like I shared with you before, I finally ended all contact with my mother. I was a child when I first wanted to have nothing to do with her. Then when I was thirty, I wrote her a letter regarding taking a break from contact with her. It was only twenty years after that letter that I finally end contact with her.  I never imagined it was possible for me, the guilty feelings were too intense.

If only I did this thirty years ago, my life would have been so much better. I could have saved myself a lot of misery and started healing way earlier than I did.

What do you think about ending contact with your mother, is it something you wanted before, something you wished for?

anita

Dear Eli:

What I want for you is the same a s what I want for myself: to live the rest of my life in as much peace as possible: peace of  mind, peace in relationships.

In achieving that peace, as much as possible of it (our world is not a peaceful place), I believe in looking at reality and see it as it is. Not as we wish it would be, but as it really is.

We all have basic needs: food, shelter, love. What I mean by love is a connection with at least one other person where there is honesty, empathy/ affection, and respect between the two. One relationship where  you are comfortable being yourself. Let’s look at your relationship with your mother: no honesty on her part, no empathy, no respect. Instead she is punishing, trying  to make you feel badly.

For your peace, better end that relationship. It doesn’t  matter who the person is, be it a parent or anyone else, if that person disrespects you and punishes  you, don’t have that  person in  your life at all.

Let’s look at the married man: he told you most recently, “be patient please”.

Patient for what? What is his plan that you should be patient with???

anita