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Expectations, Optimism and What's the Point?

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  • February 23, 2015 at 7:34 am #73209
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hey all,

    First off, let me apologize in advance if this post makes no sense. I have been struggling with this for awhile and am (uncharacteristically) having a difficult time putting my feelings into words, but here goes…

    I have always been a victim I think. I have always believed in “should”s, “would”s and “if”s.

    She should do this…
    I would do this…
    If he loved me, he…

    I also believe(d) that life should be fair. It’s not…I am 43 and I see that know, but it is not any easier to accept.

    So this past year I have learned a lot. I have discovered that the only goddamn thing in the world that I have any control over is ME. Wow! What a tough pill to swallow for a control freak….

    I get it…I do…somewhere upstairs I get it and though I railed against the unfairness of this simple fact, I have come to accept it more-or-less…grudgingly.

    I am starting to see situations with more clarity as they are and beginning to recognize how my expectations have influenced my own unhappiness in the situations. I do believe that I have become more mindful this way as I now hear a different voice from the one of righteous indignation that I am used to. I am beginning to hear the voice of my own gut, intuition, inner truth…whatever you want to call it and it’s doing a pretty good job advising me.

    I get it…I can’t control life or the people around me.

    Here’s my problem and perhaps someone can speak to it and help me. If I can’t control anything but myself and I must accept situations and people as they are, what is there left for me to be hopeful about? What do I do with the feeling of emptiness that is left behind from this knowledge? I understand now that I can’t/shouldn’t hope that my husband (just one example) is ever going to change the way he behaves…(and I should elaborate that I love him deeply but at the same time feel myself drifting away as I see that some things are never going to change)…and maybe that eliminates useless arguments but it does little for my hurt feelings or the emptiness I feel inside (even when I understand why he behaves the way he does)

    Sometimes I think to myself “No girl…you stand firm in what you believe! You deserved better than this!” And then I realize, that I have no control over whoever it is I think I deserve better from and I am incredibly depressed by the thought. My next thought is “What’s the point? I might as well shut my mouth, bury my feelings, go on autopilot and continue muddling my way through life”.

    I know I am supposed to be grateful…I get that too, and I am, or at least I try to be. But right now the heavier feeling of “what’s the point since I can’t change anything anyway” is stronger…

    Help please figuring out the final piece of this puzzle that I have been working on for the last year? There’s got to be some positive. It’s probable that I haven’t found true acceptance. Advice on how to achieve that?

    Thanks for your time.

    February 23, 2015 at 1:02 pm #73217
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    P.S. Is the ability to edit one’s post a limited time offer? I was able to earlier and now cannot. I guess the posting will have to stand typos, swearing and all…sorry.

    Klara

    February 23, 2015 at 4:54 pm #73221
    Rock Banana
    Participant

    well done on the progress you have already made, and remember above all, don’t beat yourself up, take it easy on yourself.

    a few things I WILL say: there are lots of shoulds / coulds in your post despite saying you had eliminated these from your mind. “I should be accepting of this and that”, for example. Who said you SHOULD do that? It’s not about what you SHOULD do, it’s about what you CHOOSE to do. If you choose to accept the present moment because that is going with the way of life (instead of against the way of life) and will create happiness into your life, then cool. But you don’t have to. You can choose to resist what ‘is’, that’s an option that’s available to you too, but it comes with its own consequences of course.

    You said you can control yourself. Everything? Can you control the next thoughts that will pop into your mind? Nope thoughts just pop into your head. Can you control it so you never ever get ill? Some people claim to be able to influence their health to enormous degrees but I don’t think you can control every element of ‘you’. For example a spot might appear, did you control that? Can you control it away? Nope. What you do have is enormous influence over yourself because you can, for example, choose which thoughts to believe, choose your responses to illnesses, choose whether you accept the ‘isness’ of this moment or not, and so on. So you do have a huge amount of influence and power, and you even have a lot of influence in life itself, but control? Nope, not over anybody else or even yourself in a lot of cases.

    I would also argue that deserve doesn’t come into this, it’s about what you desire. “Deserve” is just a thought. But what do you actually want in life? If you change from feeling like you ‘deserve’ this or that to ‘desiring’ this or that then this may well be a positive shift for you.

    as for change…When you change, everything changes. Your mind is generating your entire reality and experience, so when you change what’s being generated, the whole situation changes. What do you mean when you say you ONLY are able to change yourself? ONLY?? That’s everything! Change how you are in the face of life and your whole experience of life changes. It’s as if the world has changed. That’s the whole point. You don’t JUST change yourself, your life seems to change as you change in the face of it.

    Develop more empowering perspectives and there will be no troubles here.

    I HIGHLY RECOMMEND These videos by Noah Elkrief that I’ve recently been watching. Just watch whichever of these are relevant for you and you will soon get the idea (or watch as many as possible, they are great IMO): https://www.youtube.com/user/NoahElkrief/videos?view=0&flow=grid&sort=p

    see how much those help!

    all best – take care – take it easy

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Rock Banana.
    February 28, 2015 at 11:24 am #73364
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Rock Banana…thank you! Thank you so much. I am not normally so speechless with my responses, but I need you to know that I have read and reread your response several times and I sincerely thank you for the time you took to give me such a long, well thought out reply. I get it. I totally get what you are saying and appreciate having the error in my way of thinking pointed out to me. I feel like I am on the verge of something so much better for me, and I am very impatient and frustrated and hard on myself for not being able to get there as quickly as I would like. I will try to go easier on myself and just take each opportunity for growth and learning as it comes.

    Also, thank you so, so much for posting the link to the videos by Noah Elkrief. I had already stumbled upon one on Facebook one day and found it helpful for the frustration that I was feeling in the moment, but I did not bookmark it in any way, and so I am so grateful that you drew my attention back to him once again…

    Klara

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