Hello Helcat

Thank you. Yes I have seen a counsellor on and off over the years, and although I’ve worked through a number of things, I’m not sure I’ve really fully dealt with this trauma, it feels like it’s locked away somewhere, as I can’t understand why I would continue to make the same mistakes.

I guess my partner following my divorce was experiencing the same as me. I was physically attracted to him, the conversation flowed, we laughed a lot and had a similar sense of humor. He was separated from his wife, as i was from my husband. He had 3 children (5, 8 and 11 at the time) who lived with his wife. We were both going through divorce, we were seeking similar things at the time i guess. About 6 months after moving in together, i felt unsettled, i was suddenly looking after his 3 children part time, plus my two sons (2 and 3 at the time). 3 or 4 years in i was feeling unhappy, he was quite volatile could anger easily, liked to be in control and have things his way, would undermine my parenting and his oldest child (son) could do no wrong, and he’d take his frustration out on his middle child (daughter) alot of the time classing her as the troublesome one along with my youngest son. I eventually moved out, we stayed together for another year and then i called it quits. I guess the best way to explain it would be i got fed up of living his life, things his way and of feeling bullied and always in the wrong.

The first emotionally abusive one, i fell for his gift of the gab (same as my husband). I was sort of attracted to him, i think more for what he said than physically. I ended it when he got physical with my youngest son, throwing him and his toys off a sofa that he wanted to sit on. I told him to leave my house and he gave me a mouthful of abuse before he departed.

The next one I knew from school, he was quite shy, and still was. He disclosed about a month later that he was Bipolar. His behaviour was erratic, up one minute down the next, but if a rollercoaster. I cut him some slack, it wasn’t his fault his moods were so up and down, and my friend was Bipolar so i knew to expect it. After 6 months of his erratic mood swings and alot of patience and understanding, i decided to end it as it was taking it toll, but he took me on an emotional rollercoaster, being mean, then calm and pleasant then angry etc, it was frightening and i took back my decision to end it. We remained together (not living together thankfully) for another year and a half, i found out that he also had psychotic depression and anxiety as well as being Bipolar. I also found out he was not taking his medications as he should have been which obviously affected his moods and behaviour. I spent that next year and a half trying to work out how to end it and get away from him whilst enduring emotional abuse and physical bullying (pinching, so called ‘jokey’ ‘soft’ punches, and being named called and criticised). I eventually found the courage to end it and he gave me hell for the next 3 months, turning up at my house, phone calls etc before he stopped having found someone else to ‘date’.

I was alone for a year before I met my next partner, the friend i knew from work. (I felt afraid to date and go out and meet anyone. I’ve not been on a dating site or made any effort to date since the previous relationship).

I wasn’t physically attracted to him but i knew he was a nice enough guy. I was afraid of getting involved though, hugs frightened me, kissing felt uncomfortable i guess because of what i had experienced with my last partner. He treated me well tho, we went out for walks, lunch, dinner, cinema the usual thing, we chatted and texted loads and we got on. Over time though, he became frustrated at the amount of time i was able to spend with him due to looking after my boys, he visited me less and i was left driving over to his the majority of the time. He then started meeting up more with his mates, going to support his beloved footy team. This was about 8 months in and i spoke to him about it, and he vowed to make changes as he didn’t want to lose me. It was okay for 3 or 4 months then returned to how it had been. I eventually plucked up the courage to call it quits and ended the relationship. Were remained friends and chatted over the phone now and again, but that phased out after about a year.

And then theres A.. I had briefly met him years ago (about 11 years ago) at a friend’s party, just the pleasantaries, hello and brief chat whilst chatting to my friends. He’d seen me out and about recently (through the start of last year) and I received a message from him on Facebook asking how I was and if I fancied going out for a walk sometime..

Growing up, my mum was quite focused on my brother. He was born with a heart defect, a speech defect and a webbed hand (like a ducks foot). He needed an op for his hand, speech therapy and regular check ups. Whilst this was happening and my dad was working around it all, I’d stay with my grandparents (my dad’s mum and stepdad). I learnt from a young age to be independent, look after myself and be helpful to my mum and brother. I always looked out for my brother through school and when we were out and about. I always looked out for my mum and helped her when she needed help. My brother has never really been pushed into or given the opportunity to fend for himself because my mum and dad have always been there, and he’s latched onto that, I guess because he had nothing else??

A few other things have popped up in my mind.. guilt.. for wanting to leave my previous partners, how can I leave when they need me.. Guilt about hurting them despite feeling hurt myself.

A need for feeling needed?? My parents and my brother needed me. My needs weren’t/ aren’t being met by the other person/people because they are focused on themselves.

Thank you Anita.. I must admit I felt quite emotional writing it all down and seeing it laid out bare in front of me.

It would feel great to put myself first whilst behaving with respect and kindness towards others and parenting my sons as best I can. I’m just not quite sure where to start to be able to do that and how to keep doing it without falling back into old habits.

Hi Anita

Thank you for your kind words. I would very much appreciate continuing to communicate and to figure out together how I can move away from (and not return to) old habits.

I I chose to look after myself this evening whilst my sons are out with their friends. I ran myself a bath, lit a few candles and relaxed for a short while and I now plan to read my book before I retire for the night.

Thank you again

(And thank you too Helcat x)

Hi Anita

Thank you for sharing your story with me, it is thought provoking.

Returning to the aspect of guilt for a moment.. regarding the more recent event of my father becoming unwell..

In the preceeding 6 months or so leading up to his mental health breaking down, I had noticed him becoming a little less motivated, a little withdrawn even. At the time I was also in a position where I had become increasingly frustrated of running around after and looking after everyone, work included. I’d stopped from support work to working in a special needs school supporting children with considerable needs, the class I was in the children were all non verbal, had mobility needs, had behavioural issues etc. It was very full on and I thought it would be a good role for me. The people I worked with were great, apart from the class teacher, who I found very frustrating as he always felt unwell, was injured, or was just leaving us to everything and sitting back doing ‘admin’ in the main office. I was finding the role quite difficult as it was so intense and I became just as upset and frustrated with work as I felt at home.. Going back to where I mention above of feeling frustrated, upset, angry even of lofe at home. For as long as I can remember my parents have always visited for the day 2 to 3 days each week. When my boys were younger it was a great help and support as it enabled me to be able to work a few days a week, and gave my boys a kind of father figure (in my dad) as their dad only saw them one weekend every few weeks (his choice). In the last few years, and now my boys are that much older, my parents have continued to visit 2 or 3 days a week (and have continued to join us when we go on days trips or on holiday). They’d stay for several hours at a time and I’d provide lunch and evening meal, and try to think of something, anything we could do whilst they were here as my boys were in their rooms or out with friends/at college etc. I was frustrated about the time they spent round at mine, I tried to change it, but it fell on deaf ears. My dad would say, ‘Well you’ve got the boys, so it’s easier if we come see you’, ‘I’ve arranged it so your mum and I didn’t do anything on the days we come to see you’ etc.. I tried expressing my frustrating in as calm and kind a manner as I could to my mum in the hope that she would be able to help my dad to understand. But she just agreed with me saying she ‘knows they come round too much, but that’s just the way you’re dad is, I get cross with him too’. She never said anything to him.

I became a but snappy and sought to escape the house for walks alone when they visited. Each time my dad said ‘oh I’m really sorry we can’t come over on Tues next week’ I respond saying, that’s okay, you don’t have to come over, one day a week is plenty and we could always pop and see you instead of you always coming here’ to which he’d never reply with anything more than an ‘hmm’.

I return to the mention of guilt.. when my dad fell unwell and the deterioration of his mental health picked up pace, I partially blamed myself for not wanting him and my mum to come round as much as they were, I felt guilty that I’d pushed him away and it was my fault. That guilt still floats in and out of my mind, I know it was a combination of things that led to his breakdown, but a small part of me feels I was part of it.

I did everything I could to support him whilst he was at his worst, and in the early days of him being home. I’ve let go a bit now that I know he has psychological support on board each week now, and that he is making small steps to recovery. But that sense of loss for me is great, and the guilt sits right beside it.

With me being in a vulnerable place, I latched onto A. I knew from day one, probably as I did with all my partners I was with before, that he wasn’t right for me, he spoke as the others did, all about himself, his work, his alcoholic dad leaving him when he was young, his partners cheating on him or leaving him.. the ‘poor old me’ scenario, the ‘I need to be needed’ scenario.. the victim.. and I step into care/support/mother mode.. If I care/support/meet their needs, then they’ll do the same for me.. but they can’t. I attract the wrong guys because I’m attracted to those that ‘need’ me.